Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The good news is I've been in Minnesota since Sunday and so far so good.Piper is the best baby. She never cries. Always greets me with a big toothless smile.
My son upon meeting me at the airport didn't recognize me. "Mom you don't look like you, you are so tiny. I've been called a lot of things in my life but tiny was never one of them. As to date I have lost 55 pounds. My son is meeting with his gastric-by-pass team Dec. 1, 2008. Seeing me doing so well has encouraged him. I told him the surgery will save his life. I am so glad I can be here to help him.
Awww Piper is calling me and that is why I am here...
I wonder how Bruce is living it up without me?
Monday, October 13, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I got by with the micro...five tiny, tiny incisions and they did the whole gastric by-pass. The incisions healed with no infection because the diabetes was gone. I am feeling so good that Monday I can go back to work.
Yesterday I gave away four big bags of my clothes. They no longer fit. I've gone down three sizes. Yeah!Thanks to all who check on me...it touches my heart and soul and when I am out on my walks I think about all you good people and I try my hardest to send you love through the cosmos. I have been blessed.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Because I know how I am going to spend this day if I drink this.
As for how me and Bruce are doing, I told him I would drive myself to the hospital tomorrow.
Now off I go to stand over the kitchen sink to see if I can choke this down...UGH!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
He bought this computer on August 10th. Not even a month ago.
How do I feel? My eyes are so dry from crying.
I don't care about the Internet or using the computer.
This was about trust, honor, integrity and my faith in my best friend. How could he do this a fourth time? How could he do this so soon after just healing from the last time?
I am so embarrassed. I am in shock. I am not even going to post this on my space were Bruce children can read this. Shannon would be so upset that her dad is such a pervert.
This is beyond dumb ass, beyond stupid.
I am such a fool. My daughter Amy said it is time to leave.
I have this huge surgery coming up next Tuesday. Gastric By-pass. My daughter Boo will be here.
I need all my strength to get through this. My self esteem is in the toilet. I lack something that my husband needs. It's my fault. What am I not doing for him to meet his needs that he has to keep looking at porn on line?
I have lost my respect for my best friend. I have lost faith and trust. What do I have left? Fuck. What do I have left?
Monday, August 25, 2008
Saturday night we went out for my 'last supper'. We went with Sue & Bill. I don't know about everyone else but I had the best time! We went to the Olive Garden. Bruce & I went there on our first real date.
We, Bruce & I talked about how much fun that first date was and he said to me "It's where I fell in love with you, a woman brave enough to order spaghetti and meatballs on a first date is the woman for me."
Sue didn't smile much. I don't know what her problem was. She did have her wedding rings on. I commented on it. It's nice to see you wearing your wedding rings again. She hadn't worn them all summer long. I think that had something to do with Bruce telling her he had no feelings for her maybe.
Bill was delightful. He was funny and witty. Bruce and I laughed at all his jokes but Sue didn't. I don't know why. She should pay more attention to him he is a great guy, not as funny or as cute as Bruce but that's her problem not mine.
I had the never ending pasta bowl with angel hair pasta and Alfredo sauce with Italian sausage. It was sooo good! Then I had this chocolate pie for desert. It was yummy.
Then I suggested we go back to their house for a mid-night swim. Bruce and I had so much fun swimming. Sue and Bill watched. They got in the pool and just sat there. Didn't move. Bruce and I sang a song from Grease as we swam. The song was Summer Love had me a blast, summer love happened so fast, he showed up splashing around...yes we were that sickening, I thought I was going to throw up.
Bruce and I had a great time and I think we got our message across...
Now for me it's day one of the liquid diet. Four slim fast today. Today is also the first day off of diabetic medicine. Whooooopie! No more diabetic medicine. Now I must go walking...later dudes!
I just talked to JackieSue and she was on her way to the doctors. Seems her blood pressure is running a little high. That woman has been the best friend to me, for many years now. She is always there when I need her, granted she is always on her way out the door somewhere but we get in what we have to. Maybe it's the job that's giving her high blood pressure.
I will definitely say some prayers to the great universe and burn some sage with healthy thoughts to you my friend.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Yes, there is history there. She was married to one of Bruce's best friends, then got divorced and a whole bunch of drama followed and yadda, yadda and I just didn't care to be in the middle of her drama with this other woman and it's been great blogging without her, but she's found me and now I'm off.
I just had a weird thought...seems Bruce's friends are all a little wacky. Or maybe it's me...naw, it's them. :)
She can't follow me on myspace. So if ya'll want to keep hanging out with me head on over. I have to add you as friend because I have it set to private. So Leo, Buddha Girl come on over...
Jackie is already there and so is Duff so it's all good.
Love you guys.
Now I have to gather my thoughts about my romantic dinner and mid night swim last night to write about it...It was a hoot.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Awww thanks, but I have type 2 diabetes and I can't control it with exercise and diet. I have tried. I have already lost 20 pounds and my diabetes is still running wild. So yes I do need this surgery.
She goes out and talks to Dr. Kuhn. They both come in. Dr. Kuhn says you are quite the celebrity here. He gives me his whole speech about the surgery. Doc, we've been here before remeber? Three days before I was going to do this I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Yes, and you've done fantastic and you are still smiling. But you understand you will be surgically altered for the rest of your life? I stand up and I lift my shirt up and I say Doc, I have no nipples...I would say I'm already surgically altered for life, wouldn't you?
He laughs and says that is what everyone is talking about, your attitude. Upbeat and comical.
I told him Doc, I have my share of dark moments, but I have outlets for those moments and those outlets are my many friends and family. They pull me through. Like Shannon's boob cake...that was the best gift on that day, and Toni washing my hair, and Sarah calling and texting me to see how I am and Bruce always supporting me, and all the good stuff from the people at work and Brian and Candy coming over and bringing Sissy to see me. It's hard to dwell in sadness when I have so many great people who care about me. Not to mention my secret blog and all thos wonderful friends I have there. (this is my secret blog)
So he said, I think you will do just fine with this surgery and then he asked me to lie on the table. He was on one side and she was on the other. He lifts my shirt and looks at the other doctor...do you see what I mean, you can see her ribs where they end, most of my paitients you can't even feel their ribs. This will be an easy surgery for me I can see where everything is...
It felt good to hear him say that.
And now I have to get ready for work...
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I work second shift so when I get home around midnight Bruce is sleeping and we don't talk because he is sleeping, then when he gets up at 6am he is very quiet because I am sleeping. We don't really get to talk to each other until the week-end.
Yesterday right before work I get a call it's Sue Rude. I say ya, what do you want? (thinking, my husband) She said I was just calling to apologize, it must have hurt you so much to know what Bruce and I talked about? I am thinking OK, what the fuck is she talking about now? Then she says "Didn't Bruce tell you we talked last night?" She says it with a tone that says oh Bruce is keeping secrets from you about me because he truly loves me kinda snotty voice. I answer her "No, he was sleeping naked in my bed and wanted to make hot slutty love to me, when I got in naked, he loves my 16 year old boobs! and nothing else when I got home." and we didn't talk about you so what?
I got nothing on the other end. Silence. So I am grinning ear to ear at the silence. I shut the cow up.
Sue regains her composer. Oh well we talked about...I rudely cut in...Listen Sue I have to get going, but I would like to tell you that I have a surgery date September 9th. Bruce and I would like to go out to dinner with you and Bill Saturday night for my last supper. She says oh we would love to. Then I say, I have to run we can talk about this Saturday when Bruce is with us OK? And I hang up.
I called Bruce after and I asked him did you talk to Sue again? Oh ya he said and he told me about her conversation with him. He told me he told her she didn't stand a snowballs chance in hell with him. He told her he loves me with all his heart. He told her I make him happier then he's ever been. And then he told me she was on the other line calling him. Of course he didn't answer the beep, he was talking to the woman he loves.
The woman just doesn't get it.
Saturday Bruce said he is going to give her an eye full. PDA (public dispaly of affection, towards me. Rubbing salt into her love wounds.) He is also going to tell Bill about all the phone calls and all the crap she has said. Bill doesn't seem to know about Sue's phone calls. Cell phones are wonderful in that you can save everything on them, dates and times and even conversations. Of course he won't do this until after we have had a wonderful romantic dinner.
I can't wait. Evil grin.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Words & Music by John Heino
Northbound I-35, savoring the Thompson Hill view
Senses coming alive, drinking in the blue on blue
I’m gonna take a long walk by the shore
Let the waves work their magic once more
I can’t tell you what a difference it makes
To be back in the City By the Lake
Grandma’s deck in the sun, ore boat under the bridge
Seagulls keeping close watch, eyein’ my cheesy prime rib
I’m gonna catch a show at Sacred Heart
Get inspired and maybe make some art
I can’t tell you what a difference it makes
To be back in the City by the Lake
I’ve been gone such a long time, I think I lost my place
Now I know that I belong here in the City by the Lake
Saturday afternoon, Blues ‘n’ Things on the air
Jim Hall growlin’ a tune, homegrown musical fare
Belly up with the Brewhouse crowd
For a burger and an Oatmeal Stout
I can’t tell you what a difference it makes
To be back in the City by the Lake
I graduated with John, the writer of this song. We recently reconnected and reminisced about Duluth, the city by the lake.
Life is coming together for me in so may places right now and I am happy to be alive. I have a surgery date...September 9, 2008. After that there will be no stopping me from achieving the life I want.
I am going home to the city by the lake and I am going to see my grand-daughter grow up and help in her raising. I'm going to hang out with my kids and bike ride with my sister. I have so much to look forward to. I thank you Creator for this sunshine after so many storms, I thank you.
I will miss my extended family out here. I will miss Taryn the most. She makes me laugh like not even Bruce can. But I know she has the best mom and dad and she has wonderful grandparents on both sides to watch out for her and as she grows she can come stay with me a few weeks every year during the summer. We can make this all work out because we love each other.
After my surgery I have 6 weeks to heal, no diabetes so that should go smoothly. Maybe go home for Christmas, we will see. But my future is looking good.
I am feeling very optimistic right now and I haven't felt that way in so long, what a great feeling.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Bruce and I are planning on going away for the week-end. We are going to New Hampshire to celebrate his Auntie's 80th birthday. Leaving Friday. (the 15th, last Friday)
Thursday afternoon (the 14th) I get a call from Sue. She is distraught to the point of I cannot understand her. You all know the history I have with this woman. She hates me. But anyway let me get back to the phone call...She knows I work for the Psychiatric Department baby sitting , so if you call me at work and tell me you're in crisis don't expect me to sit on my thumbs and do nothing. So I tell her to calm down, blow her nose and to quit crying for a few minutes to tell me whats going on? I should have hung up on her, but nooooo my compassionate nature takes over.
She tells me she wants to kill herself. Wants to end it all. Can't take the pain of living anymore. I ask her "Do you have a plan?" She answers "Yes, I am taking all of my pills tomorrow while I am alone in the house for the day." Which would be Friday. The day Bruce and are supposed to go away together.
I tell her to hang on and not to do anything. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. I tell her she needs to contact her doctor and to tell him how she is feeling. She promises she will. I hang up and I call Bruce to tell him what happened. (remember this part about me calling Bruce)
So I finish up my shift and go home and go to bed. Bruce says good-night I love you and that is my Thursday.
I get up Friday morning because I took the day shift. 7 to 3 so we could leave right after work to go to New Hampshire. I'm at work and it's now 8:30am and I am thinking about Sue and what she said she would do today. I think to myself go talk to the psych nurses on 2 south locked unit they all like you. So I go up to South 2 and I talk to my favorite psych nurse and I tell her the whole Bill and Sue and Bruce story. She looks at me and smiles. "Nancy you are being manipulated by a master. She wants you to call Bruce whom she loves and she hopes will come rescue her." Me...duh! It never crossed my mind that she was up to no good. Psych nurse, "she is still sick if she is doing stuff like that."
So I call Sue and no one answers. Her answering machine comes on. So I think OH No she's done it, taken all her pills. Sue had told me who her doctor was and so I had the unit secretary get me his number and I called him up. "Did Sue call you?" He answers no. So I tell him about her phone call to me and what she had said about killing herself. He calls the police to go to her house to check on her.
She got the police instead of Bruce. Hahahahahahaha. Evil shit eating grin on my face.
So I call Bruce and tell him what I did. He then tells me "Oh ya, she called me last night." And you forgot to tell me? Dumb ass! "Ya, she called me and asked me if I had feelings for her? And what did you answer her? "Hell no!" he said. The she proceeded to ask him all these questions of why he did this or that when it came to her and blah, blah ,blah.
When we were both home from work getting ready to leave for New Hampshire my phone rings and I can see it is Sue. I don't answer. Then Bruce's phone rings and it's her and I tell him if he answers it he is going to go to New Hampshire alone so he doesn't pick up. She calls his phone a second time, this time leaves a message that she's trying to call me. OK, then call me and leave me the message. Don't call my husband twice fucktard. I am so on to you and your game is up.
tells me I should forget the whole thing because they (the Roods) will always be a part of the family and will still be at all the holidays. Fuck it. Fuck them. Fuck having to be nice to them because they are old family friends.
I'm not making nice anymore. I refuse.
I'm a guard dog for a small hospital working in the ED, mostly baby sitting drunks.
2. What color are your socks right now?
I'm bare foot right now.
3. What are you listening to right now?
The voice in my head, the good one that tells me not to hurt him...
4. What was the last thing that you ate?
Garlic chicken wings.
5. Can you drive a stick shift?
Nope, to many moving parts and the hills are the worst.
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Bruce and I thanked him for being an asshole.
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
I stole this but the person I stole it from I like.
8. How old are you today?
9. What is your favourite sport to watch?
Hockey, I love when they throw down their gloves and fight!
10. What is your favourite drink?
Tall dark and handsome...
12. What is the last movie you watched?
War of The Worlds with Tom Oddball Cruise.
13.Favorite day of the year?
This year it was the day my grand-daughter was born!
14. How do you vent anger?
Like most bears I write about it. Then I stew, then I rip someone a part by packing up and leaving while he is at work...did I think that out loud? It's just a thought...
15. What was your favourite toy as a child?
The great out doors...
16. What is your favorite season?
17. Cherries or Blueberries?
Blueballs I uh I mean blueberries.
18. Do you want your friends to add this meme to their blogs?
If they want.
19. Who is the most likely to respond?
Have no idea
20. Who is least likely to respond?
Lazy people, it takes work to do these things!
21. Living arrangements?
I live in a two bedroom apartment with a bald guy who is getting on my last nerve.
22.When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday on the way home from New Hampshire thinking about leaving the East Coast...
23. What is on the floor of your closet?
My pajamas and my motorcycle helmet.
24. Who is the friend you have had the longest ?
The one I don't talk to anymore, does that count?
25 What did you do last night?
Nothing I was exhausted from week-end in New Hampshire.
26. What inspires you?
Been a long time since anything has inspired me spiritually.
27. What are you most afraid of?
Bruce's pain when he realizes I am not fooling around and he finds himself alone.
28. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
Spicy Cheese burgers.
29. Favourite dog breed?
30. Favourite day of the week?
Monday cuz Bruce is working and I have the place to myself.
31. How many states have you lived in?
Minnesota, Rhode Island, CT, and MA.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I'm just starting to get over the computer thing when this morning I am sound a sleep and Bruce sits by my head butt naked and farts. He starts laughing and being so rudely awakened I'm saying "Jesus Christ" I roll over and mumble "I remember a time when you treated me with more respect." He asked "What did you say?" I replied "Nothing."
He leaves the room. I am so glad he works first shift and I work second because if I had to spend anymore time with him right now I might rip his face off. He is so getting on my last nerve like pig shit on my new boots.
This bad behavior started when our sex life resumed. When I started to really feel better. My shoulders no longer hurt from bra straps. I have no fat rolls under my arms, sleek and smooth. I stand up straighter. I'm just feeling really good now, better then I have in a long, long time.
Now I have to tell the rest of the story. JackieSue and BuddhaGirl know this part already but no one else does so here it goes...
In a few short weeks I am having a micro gastric by-pass. Dr. Kuhn is my doctor for this. I have had to go to classes to learn how to eat 6 meals a day. Every two hours. I have gone to countless meetings and had a zillion appointments with a nutritionist. The thing is I am the smallest person this doctor has done one of these on. He's doing it to cure my type 2 diabetes. I am having a real problem with my blood sugar. Since the breast cancer it has been running in the 200 hundreds. Doc thinks this will cure it and I will be off diabetes meds before I leave the hospital. Last Friday I was cleared to have surgery. I should get a date any day now. The only thing he worried about is the weight loss...because I am not morbidly obese I could lose too much weight. I don't care I just want this diabetes to go away. I will be so happy, no more meds and checking my sugars ever!
The other thing is my insurance has okayed it and they have okayed the tummy tuck afterwards. I didn't even ask for the tummy tuck, my doctor is the one who told me. So Doc Melissa who did my new boobs is doing the tummy tuck, she will at the same time do my new nipples with the skin she takes for the tuck.
I think Bruce is acting up because I will be a new woman. Firm boobs, flat tummy. I think this worries him. It worries me. But I'm not acting like an ass yet so he shouldn't either. Because I tell ya if he keeps this shit up it will deteriorate pretty fast. Every time he does something my respect for him wanes. And when you lose the respect you got nothing.
Another thing is as soon as my hospital affiliates with someone our assets will be un frozen and I will be able to collect my money in the retirement fund and I am leaving here. The program they set up for us (per Diem people) because we get no benefits was this...in 2005 they set aside $3000.00 to start, for every 1000 hours you worked they matched that with another $3000.00. So now it's 2008 and I have some money there.
Bruce has told me for the last seven years he would move to Minnesota with me. He has always said it but never shown anything like saving for it, to me. Then with the selling of his motorcycle and he just blew the money when he said he would give it to me to go home...well that spoke volumes to me. So I think he knows after my surgeries are done I am so out of here...and this scares him. The man hates change.
Me being strong again is a change...
The picture is of my home town, Duluth, Minnesota. Sitting on the tip of Lake Superior. Home of the Great Iron Ore Docks. Take me home country roads, take me home...
Monday, August 11, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
This last week he has lied to me twice.
He told me a while back, at least twice, that when he sold his bike he was giving me the money from the sale to go home. He sold his bike yesterday. When I asked him about giving it to me to go home I got a lot of yadda yadda yadda .
Then today I wasn't feeling the greatest and we were at BJ's. I stayed in the car. My phone rings...bad to the bone by George...that is Bruce's ring. Anyway I answer it. Ya what's up? Hi, there's a great deal on a computer here for $350.00, with an immediate $50.00 dollar rebate. OK and will this be only my computer or will we both use it? It will be your computer. OK.
He buys the computer.
We get home and I set it all up and he informs me he's using it to. An argument ensues.
It ends with me telling him to shove his computer up his ass and I will get mine, which he broke, fixed.
Please understand if this weren't his 3rd fuck up with downloading a nasty virus...
and because of that I lost over 500 music files, all my picture files, all my writing files, all my LeMay family history files, my art files and a whole bunch of other stuff.
I'm a little pissed and a whole lot disappointed in Bruce.
I could always count on him for the truth...
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Yesterday I wrote Jackie an e-mail explaining everything. Didn't have time for a blog.
I am at odds with many things in my life right now. Husband being my number one oddity right now...ha! I made a joke.
Jackie sent me a baby package for Piper and I got that mailed off Monday with my finished quilt. It cost me $30.82 to mail the package priority mail. That quilt weighed a ton. JackiSue sent such a beautiful package with lot of cute outfits and head bands and this really cute pair of pink sneakers. Thank you my friend, thank you.
I have to run to work right now and when I get my computer fixed I will visit all of you and catch up.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Piper was stubborn and finally on Saturday, July 12, 2008 she came into the world by C-section. The doctors broke Trina's water on Friday the 11th at around 11:00 AM. She was in labor for hours but didn't dilate past 5. By Saturday morning the doctors couldn't wait any longer for the safety of the baby and decided to do a c- section. Her name is Piper Eleanore, she weighed in at 7 pounds 14 oz. she was 20 inches long. I can't wait to get home to hold her.
Friday, July 11, 2008
No baby yet. She is taking her sweet time. Last night she was only dilated to 2. Travis promised me he would call me and send pictures as soon as she gets here.
These are poems I wrote for Travis years ago.
When you were very, very small
I used to dance with you cradled in my arms.
You were my precious son
and holding you close
love overwhelmed me.
I dreamed what kind of life you would lead.
What would be your first words, your first job...
(Remember cold snowy mornings I helped you
deliver news papers, your first job.
I loved the alone time with you.)
I dreamed of what kind of man you would be.
And if your life would take you far from me...
And now I am the one who's life has taken me far from you.
And I'd hold you even closer,
giving you an extra kiss,
an extra hug.
And whispering "I love you" one more time.
Knowing you were too small to remember.
But, praying you would never forget.
There are days when I long to hold you
in my arms and dance once again.
My love for you still overwhelms me.
As we both grow older
please never forget
what you were too small...
Sometimes Travis when I watched you climb rocks
I didn't see the determination in your eyes-
only your clumsiness and ripped jeans
from the fall you took.
I was thinking torn jeans.
You were thinking mountains.
Sometime Travis when you rode your bike and
raced jumping curbs in playful danger,
I didn't see the bravery in your deed-
only the impending fall and injury.
I was thinking emergency room.
You were thinking power and speed.
Sometimes Travis when a grade was slipping
and I feared failure, I didn't see
the other grades that were super-
only the bad one.
I was thinking it was my failure.
You were just thinking.
Some twenty years have come and gone,
and you have grown to be a young man.
I can see the power of your dreams,
the height of your optimism and
the speed of your accomplishments.
Sometimes I just didn't see.
But I can see now.
I hope when he holds his daughter for the first time he realizes (moment of enlightenment) how much I truly love him.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The new guy who stepped in discovered what a mess we are in. If we don't make a 8 million dollar payment on August 1, 2008 we will be closing our doors. They let 80 people go immediately. Trimming the fat he called it.
Another big hospital in Hartford, CT might buy us.
"They" spent the employee retirement fund. Criminal charges are being filed.
I still have my job. For how long I don't know.
Census is being kept low. The med floors can each hold about 30 patients, they are keeping the census to 15 each. Times are very scary for people who have been there a very long time, over 30 years. I've only been there 5 years and I feel very fortunate that I got the ring now.
Good news of the day, my son Travis is having his first baby, well not him but his wife Trina is having their first baby today. She is being induced. It's a good thing I sewed most of the day yesterday. Below is a picture of the quilt I am making. I had no pattern just made it up as I went. I hope they like it.
My favorite squares are the monkeys. You notice the Boston Red Sox one? Travis loves the Red Sox.
We, Bruce and I are headed to Maine for the week-end. His Auntie and Dad live up there. Auntie has a very nice pool and I have a lovely swimsuit to wear. I really need this week-end get away. We are bringing our tent and blow up mattress to sleep outside. Bruce and I love the great outdoors. We may even go swim in the ocean.
Have a wonderful day and a great week-end!
Love and Hugs to everyone!
Monday, July 7, 2008
After the diagnose of breast cancer it went down to zero. So from February until now we have had no intimacy. Six months of no touching. I went on line to research this subject, to see if anyone felt the way I did. I felt I had lost more then my breasts. I lost my femininity. I feel so unattractive. I'm tired. I hurt. The scars. The infections. me me me me me.
But this didn't just happen to me. It happened to Bruce to. I didn't get his side of it. His take on it. After this week-end I have.
He's just so happy that I am alive and I will be around to go fishing with.
He always was trying to touch me and I would pull away. He was always trying to see me naked and I would cover up and get angry, don't look at me I am ugly. I felt if he saw me he would love me less because of the scars and no jiggle.
I was the one turning him away. Me.
So Saturday I didn't. I was scared. Fear doesn't cover it. Terrified does.
I didn't want the lights on. He did. We compromised on candles.
He touched my scars and he kissed them. I could not feel his touch or kisses because that whole area is numb to the touch. I could not feel him but I could see him, his face, the way he looked. He did not look repulsed by what he saw or touched. He looked like a man glad to be touching his wife again.
We connected slowly and painfully. We had to change some things, but change is good sometimes. He talked while he touched me, which he never did before. He was telling me how soft my skin was and how beautiful I am.
We are finding our way through this breast cancer. We are finding our way back to each other.
Let me just say this... when one thing goes another thing becomes more intense. Sortta like when you go blind and your hearing becomes more acute. Use your imagination...
We are going to be OK. Bruce and I. We healed somethings that needed to be healed.
This is the article that helped me...
If you ask 10 women who recently finished breast cancer treatment about their sex lives, odds are good that at least eight of them will respond, "What sex life?"
"This is a huge issue for our patients," says Mary McCabe, RN, director of the Cancer Survivorship program at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York. "It's an enormous unmet need. One of the things our patients told us they wanted most from a survivorship department was a sexual health program."
For a breast cancer patient, nothing can kill sexual desire faster than the daily nausea of chemotherapy, the vaginal dryness of premature menopause, and the ongoing fatigue associated with just about every stage of breast cancer treatment. It takes longer to get aroused, and when you do, sex can be painful. You may not like being touched in the same way that you did before. Your affected breast may be too sensitive to touch, or if you've had a mastectomy, a reconstructed breast won't feel your partner's caresses at all.
"Frequently, sexual activity stops upon diagnosis," says oncologist Marisa Weiss, MD, founder of Breastcancer.org and the author of Living Beyond Breast Cancer. "Fear and uncertainty are huge drains on your libido. And then your body goes through all these changes at the same time, and women believe that they're less attractive and assume that their partner's not interested."
The good news: you'll get your groove back. It just takes time -- and some creative thinking. In two studies presented at the American Society for Clinical Oncology meeting in the summer of 2004, women reported that the sexual side effects of breast cancer diagnosis and treatment were mostly temporary. One study found that women's sexual function declined over six months of post-surgical treatment (chemotherapy, tamoxifen, or both). But six months later, the same women were as satisfied with their sex lives as they had been before the study started.
Now, six months is a long time to be unhappy with the level of intimacy in your life, and there's no reason that you should be. Your sex life after breast cancer may be very different than it was before, but that doesn't mean it can't be just as good.
The first step: communication. "You can't assume that what's in your head is in your partner's head," says Weiss. "Most of the time, the partner finds you just as attractive as they did before, and they want you just as much." Talk candidly with your partner about how you're feeling. You may find that if he's been reluctant to initiate sex, it's not because of a lack of desire, but because he's afraid you might not be ready and he doesn't want to push you.
Getting used to sex after breast cancer also means getting used to your new body. One book that might help is Show Me: A Photo Collection of Breast Cancer Survivors' Lumpectomies, Mastectomies, Breast Reconstructions, and Thoughts on Body Image. Now in its second edition, the book features images of more than 30 cancer survivors from support groups at Penn State Hershey Medical Center. The women's smiling, beautiful photos, and their thoughts about body image, may help you adjust to the new you that you see in the mirror.
But if you don't feel ready to be fierce and sexy about your new body just yet, there's nothing wrong with wearing a little lingerie to bed if it will help you feel more attractive and more in the mood.
Bruce and I stayed up almost all of Saturday night talking. Holding and talking. We will survive. He admitted he was an asshole and sometimes said things that he didn't mean. Part of his charm.
I went to "the" wedding. Here are some photo's. Enjoy... :) We arrived late because of me. I couldn't decide what to wear. I ended up wearing jeans and a t-shirt that said 'I'm really excited to be here'. The wedding part was pretty much over by the time we got there.
This is the bride and groom...off to Kim's left (looking at your screen, is her dad Bill.
Bride and groom after changing their clothes. Below my mother-in-law Joan. And yes she is yelling at me. :) Below her is a picture of Bill giving Bruce rabbit ears, and below that is a picture of Adam and Eric's magic show. They are the children of Kim and Ken but they live with Tammy and Ken. Tammy is her sister and Ken is her ex. The rest of the photos are of Bruce and Taryn in the pool. We left early because of me and Bruce was OK with that. We compromised. I would go. We would leave early. It worked out OK.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
There was some strange energy in the air yesterday.
There are 5 stages of grief that you go through and
yesterday was anger for me. I was so angry I could
have spit fire. I was angry at Bruce my husband for
callousing saying to me "lighten up"
Instead I wrote all day. I told the story of why I was so
angry. My English and grammar suck. I am great at run
on sentences but I wrote anyway. Thank Creator
for spell check.
By strange energy I mean my kids never call me.
Last night my son calls just to talk. I hang up from
him and my daughter calls me and she talks to me for
over an hour. We had a good talk and we cried a little.
Then my phone rings again and it's my niece who I am
very close to telling me her step mom had died that
morning of a heart attack.
Then last night I had this poignant dream. I dreamed
I was drawing this little girl in pencil. I was at the back
of her head drawing the hairs on her pig tails
and the drawing became 3 D and I was turning
her head to draw her face the face was me as a
little girl. I had been crying and there were boogers
in my nose and I felt so sorry for the little girl me
and then she turned into my daughter, the
one that died. I woke up after that. I have
always been a vivid dreamer. Day dreams and night dreams.
This dream was very sad to me.
My body, I am so fucking angry at my body. What I lost.
I'm angry at Bruce. I'm worried at what this will do to
my girls. what message am I sending them?
Is this their future, is this what I hand down to them...
What a great gift to pass on. I feel guilt for
this and so much anger right now.
I'm sick of getting up in the morning feeling like crap.
My under arms are raw
and red like my anger. It hurts to move to use my arms.
I just want all of this to go away. I want to sleep
peacefully through the night,
without pain every time I move.
I want my life back.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
In those eight years I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, asthma, and last but not least breast cancer, ductal carcinoma. Do you think my body is trying to tell me something? I was 47 and healthy when I moved out here. Now I'm 54 and very unhealthy. I had bi-lateral mastectomies with reconstruction. Now I am dealing with infections to the surgical wounds. Diabetes is interfering with my healing.
I gave up a lot to be here with Bruce. That is how much I love him. It reminds me of the Jesus Christ story somewhat. Jesus loved us so much he died for us, if you believe he did you will go to heaven. After being out here I better go somewhere nicer. I've earned it. I'm not Jesus. I'm not a martyr, I acknowledge what I gave up. I accepted my life with Bruce. It was is a good life. But I can only take so much before my temper flies off and today my friends that has happened.
This is going to be a very long story. A complicated story. Lots of colorful characters. so get a cup of coffee or a beverage a snack and settle in because I really need to unload.
When I met Bruce he said he hoped his family and friends would like me because the women he dated that didn't stay in his life was because of them not liking her. I did not understand this because my whole life had been spent with men that my family hated or didn't approve of. I always went for the bad boys, more excitement, more thrills. Bruce rode a motorcycle and had the bad boy look. Inside he was is the best man with the biggest heart. I guess that is what keeps me here. That and the fact that he was practically a virgin.
He was married for 23 years to a woman that was a twin to the Virgin Mary. She was a good Catholic girl in every sense of the word. Sex was not for pleasure. Bruce had never had a blow job, a hand job, or a couple of other things. This was wicked attraction for me, to be his first. You always remember your first. :)
Awww but soon secrets would come out and Sharon isn't the Virgin Mary after all.
This woman died. She died from complications from diabetes Type 1.
I did not measure up in any ones eyes to her.
I wrote a poem about it...
I laced my shoes with loneliness
loneliness don't come undone
with double knots.
Wondering purgatory, I met him
he was looking for a ghost
but couldn't find her.
So he offered to untie my shoes
while lynching my heart.
He told me he lost his
virginity in a cemetery,
he also told me
that he loved me
but I was second best.
His house is a mystery
of shadows and locked doors.
I am nowhere to be found,
he descends into the basement
looking, opening each door.
I am there
lost behind a locked door
in a card board box
unable to decipher
the silence and pain that holds me.
That leads me to Easter day. The day I was to meet his family and friends. The do or die day.
Brian & Candy loved me from the first handshake. They folded me into their arms and hugged me. Candy wanted me to sit by her and she told me of the cast and characters. I loved her from the beginning. That is all you will here about them in the rest of this story.
Sue Rood pronounced Rude has been Bruce's best friend since they were 5 years old. Sue is married to Bill. They were Bruce's and Sharon's best friends. Sharon was Bruce's 1st wife. Sue and Bill have two daughters, Tammy and Kim. Tammy is in her late 30's and still lives at home. Kim got married to Ken. They have two sons.
Bruce introduces me to Sue I hold out my hand and say glad to meet you. She totally blows me off and walks away and I'm standing there with my hand out, icicles is a warm word when it comes to the cold this woman gave out. She is the matriarch of her family so everyone in her family followed suit.
Enter Pat, Bruce sister. She is an outcast of her family. Seems years ago Pat was mad at all of them and wrote a dirty little letter telling all of their secrets or airing out their dirty laundry. I sure would have liked to read that letter. She told Sharon's secret of her abortion before her and Bruce were married. Virgin Sharon had quite a sin on her soul. She told of Sue's undying lust and love of Bruce. So that is why she hates me, it fell into place. Sue is in love with Bruce and has been for years.
Pat called me up after Easter and told me that Sue thought I was too crass for Bruce. Too CRASS, me, can you believe it? Fuck no, me either. :)
Forward a year later. Bruce has asked me to marry him and I have said yes. The first persons he wants to tell are Sue and Bill. Fuck. But I go with him to tell them the good news. He tells her and she stumbles back like shes going to faint. She grabs a kitchen chair sits down and cries. Why are you getting married so soon? We've been living together for a year, why not? But I say "Because I am pregnant." If she would have had a weapon I would be dead. I start to laugh, Bruce is laughing...Sue is crying.
Bruce has a motorcycle accident. A bad accident. I set up our living room like a hospital room and I take him home and I take care of him plus work 40 hours a week. Seems only then did I measure up to be accepted by them. And just barley.
So for years I have been doing my best to get along with this family the Roods.
Forward to this last year. Their daughter Kim divorced Ken. Their daughter Tammy took Ken as her lover and new boyfriend. Now Tammy and Ken live with Sue and Bill. They bought this big Colonial house with a cement pond. I ask you is that not crass? I would never date my sisters ex, never. Isn't there some kind of code or something? Anyway that is not the whole story. Turns out Kim doesn't want to be a mom anymore either and gives the two boys to Tammy and Ken. So now Tammy and Ken live with Sue and Bill and the two boys.
Forward to now. Kim is getting married on Friday the 4th of July. A big old white wedding. Her and Brian (new guy) are getting married at Sue and Bills house. Fireworks to follow, bring your suit swimming after. I wasn't worried about it, I wasn't going. Bruce's Mom wanted us to take her to Maine for the week-end.
Forward to this morning. Bruce calls me. Mom changed her mind. Hu? She wants to go to the wedding. Well fuck I don't. Bruce says to me "Lighten UP" Now I don't know if it was my mood or my tiredness from lack of sleep at night or if it was all the crap I've been dealing with this past month combined with lack of sleep but I was instantly enraged. I think I might lighten my load by 270 pounds and that is what I said to him.
Forward to now this moment... I am done. as of right now in this moment I am done trying to please Bruce and doing everything Bruce wants. I am done.
Monday, June 30, 2008
I called my doctor first thing this morning like she asked me to and I waited until noon and when she hadn't called back yet I thought don't waist the day waiting do something....and so I did.
It's 4:00PM and she still hasn't called back...
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Jackie Sue I am humbled by your kindness and caring. I do love you and a few others. I have been truly blessed by my blogger friends. I am without words to express how much you all mean to me. Know I think about you and it always makes me smile.
Sometimes when I'm going through something painful like the other night when they were digging in my wound to irrigate it and clean it, I think about Jackie Sue and I wonder what she would be saying to the doctor and it really does make me laugh because I can picture her telling him to buy her dinner first or something outrageous. thank you my friend for your many gifts of laughter and giving and caring. One of a kind, you are one of a kind. A very special person.
I asked Mr. Bruce if he thought I would be able to go visit her by bus? He said he would only let me go if I flew or took the train. He was looking yesterday at the train schedule on line. :)
So one day after this crap with my breast is all over I may just end up on her door step...it would be fun to arrive by UPS in a box too. :)
I changed my photo...I was yelling at Bruce, hahaha
This is my booboo, gross hu? That red part is actually a hole into my body. Tomorrow I go back to doc Melissa...
Saturday, June 28, 2008
The doc there swabbed the wound to get a culture. Yeah you have a nasty infection. He called Doc Melissa who just happened to be on call. They gave me a 1000mg of Leviquin antibiotic and 2 percocet. Along with two prescriptions for the same meds to take at home. So it's 4:00 AM and I am itching like a mangy cat with a billion fleas.
Doc Melissa wants to see me first thing Monday. Implants may have to come out.
In the meantime I finished some squares for my baby's quilt...
I am going to put a heart square in each corner of the quilt. The ribbons say cute things like mommy and me, daddy and me, everything grows with love.
Now I am going to try and scratch myself to sleep. My love to everyone.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
This Blog is mine and I am writing from the dark side. I don’t give a shit if the sun is shining and the birds are singing. I’m near death and I am starting to get mad at stupid shit-holes for brains doctors thinking they know what’s best. I am so fucking sick of being sick I could spit fire and the next person who smiles and says to me you will get better, just give it one more day. Oh yea come here let me spit in your mouth and we will share these magical germs of mine. And when you’re burning up with a 104 fever, but yet you can’t stop the unshakable shakes of the freezing cold, and you have someone sticking you for the third time because your veins are blowing out from the fever and the illness that rages inside of you and yet you crawl out of bed to barely make it to the bathroom just to have this venomous green burning bile flying out your ass then we will talk birds and sunshine.
I read this today and it made me laugh...Shit my life is fucking hysterical, hahahaha
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Current mood: pissed off
I'm sick and vomiting. I'm going back to the doctors again. I don't know if I am sick and vomiting because I'm sick and tired of going to the doctors or because I have a third infection in my surgery wound.
It's all because of my diabetes which is out of control. It's been running in the three hundreds. No I am not eating sugar. I think it's the surgeries and stress.
Bruce says it's because I won't sit still long enough for it to heal. Do you know how sick I am of sitting still waiting to heal?
So I'm off to the doctors this morning and they will start yet another round of antibotics which tears the crap out of me.
No, I'm not in a good mood. Fuck it all.
My apologies now to everyone. JackieSue I love you and I am really sorry, especially to you. You and everyone really don't deserve my pissy mood or to read about it but this blog is my venting space, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
The hospital had a benefit dinner and dance for Candy tonight.
I went with Mr. Bruce and I brought my camera. I was going to take all kinds of pictures and then post them but after 3 or 4 pictures my batteries went dead. Fuck.
It was the funnest I had in a while. The DJ was an RN from the ED. His name is Jim and he is the greatest person. He played some awesome music. I did get a picture of him. :) This is Jim talking to Candy, that is Brian her husband, Bruce's little brother. Brian has been on the fire department since he was 16 years old. His fire department helped with the dinner and dance. They raised $1,200.00 plus paid 4 months rent for them. It made Brian cry in a good way.
This is my grand-daughter Taryn who danced up a storm and made her grandma laugh. She is just like Bruce in her actions....
This is Candy and one of the med secretaries. One of the guys at work donated all of the flowers and we got to take home the center pieces on the tables. They were so pretty.
Then my stupid batteries died. And the night was just getting started. After a few drinks people started to dance and really let go. I was pissed because my camera pooped out. But my mother-in-law had her camera and she took some pictures so I will post more as the come out. My mother-in-law was very sweet to me, extra nice. I guess since I haven't talked to her since her remark she had time to think about it and decided to be nice.
It was a good night. Now if I could only get some sleep. Love you guys...XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOOXOXOOXO)XOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXO