Monday, July 14, 2008

Baby Piper Eleanore

This is the beginning, and below is a few hours later.
Piper was stubborn and finally on Saturday, July 12, 2008 she came into the world by C-section. The doctors broke Trina's water on Friday the 11th at around 11:00 AM. She was in labor for hours but didn't dilate past 5. By Saturday morning the doctors couldn't wait any longer for the safety of the baby and decided to do a c- section. Her name is Piper Eleanore, she weighed in at 7 pounds 14 oz. she was 20 inches long. I can't wait to get home to hold her.

Friday, July 11, 2008

No Baby Yet

No baby yet. She is taking her sweet time. Last night she was only dilated to 2. Travis promised me he would call me and send pictures as soon as she gets here.

These are poems I wrote for Travis years ago.

When you were very, very small
I used to dance with you cradled in my arms.
You were my precious son
and holding you close
love overwhelmed me.

I dreamed what kind of life you would lead.
What would be your first words, your first job...

(Remember cold snowy mornings I helped you
deliver news papers, your first job.
I loved the alone time with you.)

I dreamed of what kind of man you would be.
And if your life would take you far from me...
And now I am the one who's life has taken me far from you.

And I'd hold you even closer,
giving you an extra kiss,
an extra hug.
And whispering "I love you" one more time.

Knowing you were too small to remember.
But, praying you would never forget.

There are days when I long to hold you
in my arms and dance once again.
My love for you still overwhelms me.

As we both grow older
please never forget
what you were too small...
to remember.
Sometimes Travis when I watched you climb rocks
I didn't see the determination in your eyes-
only your clumsiness and ripped jeans
from the fall you took.

I was thinking torn jeans.
You were thinking mountains.

Sometime Travis when you rode your bike and
raced jumping curbs in playful danger,
I didn't see the bravery in your deed-
only the impending fall and injury.

I was thinking emergency room.
You were thinking power and speed.

Sometimes Travis when a grade was slipping
and I feared failure, I didn't see
the other grades that were super-
only the bad one.

I was thinking it was my failure.
You were just thinking.

Some twenty years have come and gone,
and you have grown to be a young man.
I can see the power of your dreams,
the height of your optimism and
the speed of your accomplishments.

Sometimes I just didn't see.

But I can see now.

I hope when he holds his daughter for the first time he realizes (moment of enlightenment) how much I truly love him.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

My Hospital & Other Stuff

My hospital is in deep shit trouble. Seems the CEO and two of his buddies who were also on the board were helping themselves to money that did not belong to them. The CEO got lung cancer and had to step down in January.

The new guy who stepped in discovered what a mess we are in. If we don't make a 8 million dollar payment on August 1, 2008 we will be closing our doors. They let 80 people go immediately. Trimming the fat he called it.

Another big hospital in Hartford, CT might buy us.

"They" spent the employee retirement fund. Criminal charges are being filed.

I still have my job. For how long I don't know.

Census is being kept low. The med floors can each hold about 30 patients, they are keeping the census to 15 each. Times are very scary for people who have been there a very long time, over 30 years. I've only been there 5 years and I feel very fortunate that I got the ring now.

Good news of the day, my son Travis is having his first baby, well not him but his wife Trina is having their first baby today. She is being induced. It's a good thing I sewed most of the day yesterday. Below is a picture of the quilt I am making. I had no pattern just made it up as I went. I hope they like it.

My favorite squares are the monkeys. You notice the Boston Red Sox one? Travis loves the Red Sox.

We, Bruce and I are headed to Maine for the week-end. His Auntie and Dad live up there. Auntie has a very nice pool and I have a lovely swimsuit to wear. I really need this week-end get away. We are bringing our tent and blow up mattress to sleep outside. Bruce and I love the great outdoors. We may even go swim in the ocean.

Have a wonderful day and a great week-end!

Love and Hugs to everyone!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Intimacy After Breast Cancer

Bruce and I were very sexual before breast cancer. We truly love one another. We averaged intimacy at least three to four times a week.

After the diagnose of breast cancer it went down to zero. So from February until now we have had no intimacy. Six months of no touching. I went on line to research this subject, to see if anyone felt the way I did. I felt I had lost more then my breasts. I lost my femininity. I feel so unattractive. I'm tired. I hurt. The scars. The infections. me me me me me.

But this didn't just happen to me. It happened to Bruce to. I didn't get his side of it. His take on it. After this week-end I have.

He's just so happy that I am alive and I will be around to go fishing with.

He always was trying to touch me and I would pull away. He was always trying to see me naked and I would cover up and get angry, don't look at me I am ugly. I felt if he saw me he would love me less because of the scars and no jiggle.

I was the one turning him away. Me.

So Saturday I didn't. I was scared. Fear doesn't cover it. Terrified does.

I didn't want the lights on. He did. We compromised on candles.

He touched my scars and he kissed them. I could not feel his touch or kisses because that whole area is numb to the touch. I could not feel him but I could see him, his face, the way he looked. He did not look repulsed by what he saw or touched. He looked like a man glad to be touching his wife again.

We connected slowly and painfully. We had to change some things, but change is good sometimes. He talked while he touched me, which he never did before. He was telling me how soft my skin was and how beautiful I am.

We are finding our way through this breast cancer. We are finding our way back to each other.

Let me just say this... when one thing goes another thing becomes more intense. Sortta like when you go blind and your hearing becomes more acute. Use your imagination...

We are going to be OK. Bruce and I. We healed somethings that needed to be healed.

This is the article that helped me...

If you ask 10 women who recently finished breast cancer treatment about their sex lives, odds are good that at least eight of them will respond, "What sex life?"

"This is a huge issue for our patients," says Mary McCabe, RN, director of the Cancer Survivorship program at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York. "It's an enormous unmet need. One of the things our patients told us they wanted most from a survivorship department was a sexual health program."

For a breast cancer patient, nothing can kill sexual desire faster than the daily nausea of chemotherapy, the vaginal dryness of premature menopause, and the ongoing fatigue associated with just about every stage of breast cancer treatment. It takes longer to get aroused, and when you do, sex can be painful. You may not like being touched in the same way that you did before. Your affected breast may be too sensitive to touch, or if you've had a mastectomy, a reconstructed breast won't feel your partner's caresses at all.

"Frequently, sexual activity stops upon diagnosis," says oncologist Marisa Weiss, MD, founder of and the author of Living Beyond Breast Cancer. "Fear and uncertainty are huge drains on your libido. And then your body goes through all these changes at the same time, and women believe that they're less attractive and assume that their partner's not interested."

The good news: you'll get your groove back. It just takes time -- and some creative thinking. In two studies presented at the American Society for Clinical Oncology meeting in the summer of 2004, women reported that the sexual side effects of breast cancer diagnosis and treatment were mostly temporary. One study found that women's sexual function declined over six months of post-surgical treatment (chemotherapy, tamoxifen, or both). But six months later, the same women were as satisfied with their sex lives as they had been before the study started.

Now, six months is a long time to be unhappy with the level of intimacy in your life, and there's no reason that you should be. Your sex life after breast cancer may be very different than it was before, but that doesn't mean it can't be just as good.

The first step: communication. "You can't assume that what's in your head is in your partner's head," says Weiss. "Most of the time, the partner finds you just as attractive as they did before, and they want you just as much." Talk candidly with your partner about how you're feeling. You may find that if he's been reluctant to initiate sex, it's not because of a lack of desire, but because he's afraid you might not be ready and he doesn't want to push you.

Getting used to sex after breast cancer also means getting used to your new body. One book that might help is Show Me: A Photo Collection of Breast Cancer Survivors' Lumpectomies, Mastectomies, Breast Reconstructions, and Thoughts on Body Image. Now in its second edition, the book features images of more than 30 cancer survivors from support groups at Penn State Hershey Medical Center. The women's smiling, beautiful photos, and their thoughts about body image, may help you adjust to the new you that you see in the mirror.

But if you don't feel ready to be fierce and sexy about your new body just yet, there's nothing wrong with wearing a little lingerie to bed if it will help you feel more attractive and more in the mood.

No More Antibiotic!

No more antibiotic. I am finally done. Friday was my last day. Today my under arms are finally sealed shut with no leakage of anything. No infection. Done. Gone. Amen! Still very red and sore but healed.

Bruce and I stayed up almost all of Saturday night talking. Holding and talking. We will survive. He admitted he was an asshole and sometimes said things that he didn't mean. Part of his charm.

I went to "the" wedding. Here are some photo's. Enjoy... :) We arrived late because of me. I couldn't decide what to wear. I ended up wearing jeans and a t-shirt that said 'I'm really excited to be here'. The wedding part was pretty much over by the time we got there.

This is the bride and to Kim's left (looking at your screen, is her dad
Bride and groom after changing their clothes. Below my mother-in-law Joan. And yes she is yelling at me. :) Below her is a picture of Bill giving Bruce rabbit ears, and below that is a picture of Adam and Eric's magic show. They are the children of Kim and Ken but they live with Tammy and Ken. Tammy is her sister and Ken is her ex. The rest of the photos are of Bruce and Taryn in the pool. We left early because of me and Bruce was OK with that. We compromised. I would go. We would leave early. It worked out OK.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Great Anger In The Air

There was some strange energy in the air yesterday.

There are 5 stages of grief that you go through and
yesterday was anger for me. I was so angry I could
have spit fire. I was angry at Bruce my husband for
callousing saying to me "lighten up"

Instead I wrote all day. I told the story of why I was so
angry. My English and grammar suck. I am great at run
on sentences but I wrote anyway. Thank Creator
for spell check.

By strange energy I mean my kids never call me.
Last night my son calls just to talk. I hang up from
him and my daughter calls me and she talks to me for
over an hour. We had a good talk and we cried a little.
Then my phone rings again and it's my niece who I am
very close to telling me her step mom had died that
morning of a heart attack.

Then last night I had this poignant dream. I dreamed
I was drawing this little girl in pencil. I was at the back
of her head drawing the hairs on her pig tails
and the drawing became 3 D and I was turning
her head to draw her face the face was me as a
little girl. I had been crying and there were boogers
in my nose and I felt so sorry for the little girl me
and then she turned into my daughter, the
one that died. I woke up after that. I have
always been a vivid dreamer. Day dreams and night dreams.
This dream was very sad to me.

My body, I am so fucking angry at my body. What I lost.
I'm angry at Bruce. I'm worried at what this will do to
my girls. what message am I sending them?
Is this their future, is this what I hand down to them...

What a great gift to pass on. I feel guilt for
this and so much anger right now.

I'm sick of getting up in the morning feeling like crap.
My under arms are raw
and red like my anger. It hurts to move to use my arms.
I just want all of this to go away. I want to sleep
peacefully through the night,
without pain every time I move.

I want my life back.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Lighten Up, A Very Long Story...

I moved out here it seems a long forever time ago but it's only been 8 years. Minnesota to the East Coast.

In those eight years I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, asthma, and last but not least breast cancer, ductal carcinoma. Do you think my body is trying to tell me something? I was 47 and healthy when I moved out here. Now I'm 54 and very unhealthy. I had bi-lateral mastectomies with reconstruction. Now I am dealing with infections to the surgical wounds. Diabetes is interfering with my healing.

I gave up a lot to be here with Bruce. That is how much I love him. It reminds me of the Jesus Christ story somewhat. Jesus loved us so much he died for us, if you believe he did you will go to heaven. After being out here I better go somewhere nicer. I've earned it. I'm not Jesus. I'm not a martyr, I acknowledge what I gave up. I accepted my life with Bruce. It was is a good life. But I can only take so much before my temper flies off and today my friends that has happened.

This is going to be a very long story. A complicated story. Lots of colorful characters. so get a cup of coffee or a beverage a snack and settle in because I really need to unload.

When I met Bruce he said he hoped his family and friends would like me because the women he dated that didn't stay in his life was because of them not liking her. I did not understand this because my whole life had been spent with men that my family hated or didn't approve of. I always went for the bad boys, more excitement, more thrills. Bruce rode a motorcycle and had the bad boy look. Inside he was is the best man with the biggest heart. I guess that is what keeps me here. That and the fact that he was practically a virgin.

He was married for 23 years to a woman that was a twin to the Virgin Mary. She was a good Catholic girl in every sense of the word. Sex was not for pleasure. Bruce had never had a blow job, a hand job, or a couple of other things. This was wicked attraction for me, to be his first. You always remember your first. :)

Awww but soon secrets would come out and Sharon isn't the Virgin Mary after all.

This woman died. She died from complications from diabetes Type 1.

I did not measure up in any ones eyes to her.

I wrote a poem about it...

Locked Doors

I laced my shoes with loneliness
and walked
uncharted land,
loneliness don't come undone
with double knots.

Wondering purgatory, I met him
he was looking for a ghost
but couldn't find her.
So he offered to untie my shoes
while lynching my heart.

He told me he lost his
virginity in a cemetery,
he also told me
that he loved me
but I was second best.

His house is a mystery
of shadows and locked doors.
I am nowhere to be found,
he descends into the basement
looking, opening each door.

I am there
lost behind a locked door
in a card board box
unable to decipher
the silence and pain that holds me.

That leads me to Easter day. The day I was to meet his family and friends. The do or die day.

Brian & Candy loved me from the first handshake. They folded me into their arms and hugged me. Candy wanted me to sit by her and she told me of the cast and characters. I loved her from the beginning. That is all you will here about them in the rest of this story.

Sue Rood pronounced Rude has been Bruce's best friend since they were 5 years old. Sue is married to Bill. They were Bruce's and Sharon's best friends. Sharon was Bruce's 1st wife. Sue and Bill have two daughters, Tammy and Kim. Tammy is in her late 30's and still lives at home. Kim got married to Ken. They have two sons.

Bruce introduces me to Sue I hold out my hand and say glad to meet you. She totally blows me off and walks away and I'm standing there with my hand out, icicles is a warm word when it comes to the cold this woman gave out. She is the matriarch of her family so everyone in her family followed suit.

Enter Pat, Bruce sister. She is an outcast of her family. Seems years ago Pat was mad at all of them and wrote a dirty little letter telling all of their secrets or airing out their dirty laundry. I sure would have liked to read that letter. She told Sharon's secret of her abortion before her and Bruce were married. Virgin Sharon had quite a sin on her soul. She told of Sue's undying lust and love of Bruce. So that is why she hates me, it fell into place. Sue is in love with Bruce and has been for years.

Pat called me up after Easter and told me that Sue thought I was too crass for Bruce. Too CRASS, me, can you believe it? Fuck no, me either. :)

Forward a year later. Bruce has asked me to marry him and I have said yes. The first persons he wants to tell are Sue and Bill. Fuck. But I go with him to tell them the good news. He tells her and she stumbles back like shes going to faint. She grabs a kitchen chair sits down and cries. Why are you getting married so soon? We've been living together for a year, why not? But I say "Because I am pregnant." If she would have had a weapon I would be dead. I start to laugh, Bruce is laughing...Sue is crying.

Bruce has a motorcycle accident. A bad accident. I set up our living room like a hospital room and I take him home and I take care of him plus work 40 hours a week. Seems only then did I measure up to be accepted by them. And just barley.

So for years I have been doing my best to get along with this family the Roods.

Forward to this last year. Their daughter Kim divorced Ken. Their daughter Tammy took Ken as her lover and new boyfriend. Now Tammy and Ken live with Sue and Bill. They bought this big Colonial house with a cement pond. I ask you is that not crass? I would never date my sisters ex, never. Isn't there some kind of code or something? Anyway that is not the whole story. Turns out Kim doesn't want to be a mom anymore either and gives the two boys to Tammy and Ken. So now Tammy and Ken live with Sue and Bill and the two boys.

Forward to now. Kim is getting married on Friday the 4th of July. A big old white wedding. Her and Brian (new guy) are getting married at Sue and Bills house. Fireworks to follow, bring your suit swimming after. I wasn't worried about it, I wasn't going. Bruce's Mom wanted us to take her to Maine for the week-end.

Forward to this morning. Bruce calls me. Mom changed her mind. Hu? She wants to go to the wedding. Well fuck I don't. Bruce says to me "Lighten UP" Now I don't know if it was my mood or my tiredness from lack of sleep at night or if it was all the crap I've been dealing with this past month combined with lack of sleep but I was instantly enraged. I think I might lighten my load by 270 pounds and that is what I said to him.

Forward to now this moment... I am done. as of right now in this moment I am done trying to please Bruce and doing everything Bruce wants. I am done.