Before & Four Days After My Tummy Tuck

Still pretty swollen, but my doctor preformed a miracle. I now have a flat tummy with no fat rolls. Can't wait to lose the drains. Maybe Thursday.

My BooBoo

My BooBoo and her dog Pablo

I miss her so much.

My God

Oh my God it has been a long time since I have been here. I have missed it. I wasn't sure I would remember my password and was thoroughly delighted when it opened for me the door to here.

I am depressed. It has been a long while. When I am depressed I come here and let it all out.

I am going through a rough patch. I know I will get to the other side but it is how well I will walk through the fire. I am emotionally starving. What feeds my spirit?, I am learning. My children feed my spirit. So just by those statements you know why I am starving. I have one child who feeds me and lifts me but it is not enough. It is never enough. So what can I do? What do I always do? I adopt children who are not mine and I make them mine. Like Sarah and Toni from work. I always adjust.

This Gastric Bypass isn't going the way I planned. But today I woke up and I knew it was me. It's always been me who gets in the way of my own success. Why do I set myself up to fail? Why? I know full well what I have to do. And today I started. I started. Just get me through today. I will worry about tomorrow...tomorrow.

Hot Dogs & Flower Bridge &Taryn and Nina

This is what I did yesterday, and today I am resting... But first this picture of Bruce and Cole...see the resemblance!
I loved this orange flower!

This was just plain funny...Bruce's white!

The End of another great day!

Butterflys, Picnic, Ribs and a Well Deserved Nap

I am so busy. I don't have time to myself . I work 12 hours a day 4 or 5 days a week. The week-ends Bruce's family has me doing this and doing that. I just don't have enough time in the day to do all the things I want to. Here are some photos of my busy week-end last week-end. We took the grand-kids to the Butterfly gardens. Then on a picnic, then I walked Sissy the cat, then we ate dinner at Brian's house, Bruce's brother, then I passed out. I am off to work now. Have a great week-end everyone!

The End.

Life, Awww It Has Become Beautiful Again...

Life, my life has become beautiful again. Man it's been such a long time in the dark and cold and depression. Five long years spent in the darkest places I've ever been. Yet I had these bright Angels who stuck with me through the darkest parts of my life. These Angels of light were you. Yes, you, people I have never met who just came by to check on me and offer a kind word or two. I think about you. All of you at different times. Leo comes with me on my daily walks with his wisdom and free expression at what I see on my walks. JackieSue comes with me when I go to work and my drunks come in and I have to smile and help them along...her humor and love. Buddha Girl is with me when I have to deal or hang out with in-laws, her humor and compassion and colorful expression of family is with me. You have all influenced my life in such a positive way and I am thankful for every one of you.

The weight loss has affected me big time. I don't know why losing 90 pounds would make so cocky now. My mouth. I have this new courage and my mouth now says what I am thinking. Even to my boss at work. You should have heard me Friday. It's like I got more confidence now. The whole thing is people treat me differently now. Men are nicer. Some women meaner. What the fuck is that all about? These are people I know.

I had paged the nursing supervisor three times over head and she didn't answer one of my pages...because of that we had a huge problem with a patient. Later when I caught her at the desk I confronted her. Why didn't you answer my pages? I paged you three times. She acted all surprised, you did? She looks at her pager. Ya I did and it was over head, so you can't hear now? She really didn't like me confronting her at the desk in front of the RNs. I would have never done this but my patient is the one who suffered because she ignored my pages. I will not have a paying patient suffer because a supervisor is lacking. I really become a warrior when it's a cancer patient in hospice and they want their morphine and you call for it and no one comes. I time it. I ring for the nurse, if they don't answer in sixty seconds I ring again and again and if no one answers I call the supervisor. You see how it works. And if she doesn't answer then we have a problem with someone in anxiety and pain and dying. Not acceptable under any circumstances! I don't get these patients often but when I do I am a warrior. This patient ended up squeezing my fingers for forty five minutes waiting for morphine. Sorry I'm getting pissed off writing about it. There is no excuse for it. None. This little old lady had lung cancer. She had no family but because she had no family she got no service, no one to check on her. Yet they charge her insurance to the roof for hospice. It sucks. I see it all the time. No living will, no family and the hospital takes charge of your life and they do what they want. Get a living will I can't express that enough. Get a living will and in it lay out the care you want.

Sorry I didn't mean to go off on a tangent. Just get a living will and lay out in simple terms exactly what you want for care and pain management and burial. This simple document will give you great comfort. Because I have seen it over and over again, "Do they have a living will?" First question they ask and if you don't you're screwed. And yes, I do have one on record with the hospital I go to.

Okay I will get off that subject. I had a great weekend. I had a friend and her little boy spend the weekend. We had a great time visiting. She's got it bad at home. I won't go into detail but her and her son needed a break and I love the company and Bruce loves to cook for anyone who likes to eat. So a good time was had by all. Then on Sunday we went to the flea market. I love going to the flea market. I scored and got a Levi's jean jacket for five bucks. I needed it to go with my new hat. I did the feathers on my hat. I love my hat. I'm balding so a hat was the answer. My doctor said my hair will come back it's just falling out from malnutrition. Until it comes back the hat is staying.

Cheryl and Shane...

Shane in Bruce's boat. We are going to take him fishing soon.

Me in my hat.

Shane. What a cute kid!

Bruce and I at adopted daughter's wedding.

Me and my adopted daughter Toni and Bruce. It was Toni's wedding.

My life is going really good right now. Just a few minor things with Bruce and his eating habits. I am working on it and he is rebelling. I told him if he can't keep up with me I may have to trade him in for a younger one, he didn't like that too much. I guess I wouldn't like it either if it were reversed. I just feel so darn good and I want him to feel good and taking off a few pounds would do that for him. Ok, ok I will stop.

Breast Cancer

I was doing OK. Better then OK, I was doing really, really good. One year out. Cancer free.

Then I got this phone call from my sister in Minnesota. Her oldest daughter, my niece, MaryAnn was diagnosed five years ago with Breast cancer. She had bi-lateral mastectomies with chemo and radiation. She is five years out and the cancer has metastasized to her liver. Four or five months is what she has left of her life.

I was told after five years you are considered free and clear. Wrong.

I am sad for MaryAnn. She can't stop crying. She is my age. We went on a blind date together once and it was very funny. We were fifteen going on twenty five.Breast cancer sucks.

I really need to find a lighter side to this. Going out to clear the webs of sadness out of my head. Fresh air and sunshine and good music here I come.

Thats two people...Candy and MaryAnn...

How many do you know?

Breast Cancer I am going to beat you right down, you will not take me , is my fucking attitude today. I am determined!

I am back to work full time. I was gone from work for seven months and in that seven months nothing has changed at work...nothing. Still rude nurses and poor service.

I was surprised yesterday by the reaction I had when my 85 year old patient died on me. I was on the med floor and was assigned a very difficult room with two old ladies who suffered dementia. I was putting the restraining mittens on her and she just quit moving...died. She had a red band on that states DNR. I just thought, thank god she died. Really, who wants to live like that? She didn't even know her own name. I had been with her all week and last week to. Watching the Doctors drain her bank account with worthless medical test. Her family hadn't been to visit her once while I was with her the last two weeks...I was happy she was gone.

My supervisor comes in and it's normal procedure to ask one how they are when you are with somebody who dies suddenly on you. I told her I was fine and I actually had prayed for her to die.

Bruce and I have a pact. When and if I do reach the ripe old age of 85, if I am out of my head and in outer space to shoot me. He promised me he would. I would not want to live like that ever.

I hate exercise. I absolutely hate it. I do it anyway. I know it is helping me. I am jogging now. I never thought I would be a jogger. For one, my boobs were always too big and in the way. Now I have these nice smaller ones and they don't get in my way. I am finding I like to run. I like to jog. It gets out all my anxiety and crap. There is something about it that just makes me feel better mentally and physically. So I am going to leave you and go out and jog in the sunshine with my favorite music playing in my ears and think about how blessed I am to be able to even do it.

I love you guys, my blogging family. I really do love you and I have good thoughts, energy when I think about you while I jog. Leo, JackieSue, all of you. Be well and take care.

This photo was taken ten months ago. I was shocked to see how unhealthy I look.

Bruce took this of me yesterday...I have come a long way baby!

Mother-In-Law

Yesterday I spent the day with my mother-in-law. She needed me. You see she had a torn rotater cuff. She had surgery on February 13, 2009 to get it fixed. If you've been with me a while you know my mother-in-law. She is a strong, opinionated pushy woman. Never been down a day in her life. So for her to ask for help she had to be hurting.

And after my experience in Minnesota as a mother-in-law, and I did tell my daughter-in-law that someday this would come full circle because it always does and you have those enlightening moments of uh hu so this is how she felt, keeping that always in the back of my mind I was ready to go and give this wonderful lady all my help and to do it with a smile and happiness in my heart.

So yesterday I was keeping in mind to be a good daughter-in-law, respectful of my mother-in-law and all her years of wisdom and knowledge. Smile, be pleasant and very, very helpful.

And as I am on my hand and knees scrubbing her kitchen floor, and I mean scrubbing it, and this is only after I swept it twice and vacuumed it once...now I am washing it with spic and span for all I am worth and she is standing over me telling me I am not doing it right...

I need to spray it with this green cleaner to get the yellow out, the yellow that has been there for the last 50 fucking years and would take dynamite to get it out. But I just smile and say yes mom I will spray it and let it soak and breath in all these great fumes. So I spray it and I let it soak and poor Bruce is cleaning her bathroom so during the kitchen soaking stage she goes to supervise his cleaning of her bathroom. I hear from the bathroom, "Get the corners really good." This made me chuckle.

I took the opportunity while she was helping Bruce to finish the kitchen floor and put the furniture back and to pull the shade down so you couldn't see the yellow that would not come out. I was standing by the door and she walks in. "You see I told you the yellow would come out." Yes mom, you did. Bruce is standing behind her laughing.

I love this family. I really love my mother-in-law. She loves me. She would give me the shirt off her back if I needed it. You just smile and remember what is important...family. Someday she won't be here and I am really going to miss her. She is Bruce's mom. She raised him and he is basically a good man, a good husband.

Someday I am going to tell you about the day I had to help her get dressed and I had to help her put her panty hose on...now that was a funny day. And Bruce owes me big for that day.

Mom and her new great grand son Cole.

My sister Lee called me and she's found God again. Lee has spent her whole life trying to find God. She has dragged me to all kinds of church services through all kinds of faiths. Jewish was her last one, but now on Oprah she found a new one she is researching. She was so excited, I could hear it in her voice. "I found God."

Then she says to me we have to be responsible for each other. We should do something as a society to help people out. I just was quiet on the other end of the phone. I was shaking my head and just let her go on and on about people taking responsibility helping each other out...then I lost it. Hello Lee do you know who you are talking to? Do you know what I do for a living? Do you know what I have been doing my whole life? Do you know anything about me at all? My whole life I have been a care taker of others. My whole life has been in service to others. Child care, foster care mother, TBI councilor, baby sitter to you and your kids, now at the hospital I work at. Do not preach to me about taking care of others. Get out of your garage (her place of business, redoing furniture) and take care of others if you need to...to find God.

Lee & Me. Sisters who love and argue all the time. Someday I will tell you about the time she through me out of her house out on to the cold side walk of winter...we made up the next week.



I told her to have a great day and I smiled and hung up.

Sorry about the run on sentences...

Been Gone A While

I've been gone a while. Missing in action. I feel like I am not worthy most of the time anyway because I neglect my friends here. I really don't mean to and it makes me feel bad. I am sorry. You all have been with me through so much, the good times and the hard times. I thank you. I love you. It's just that simple.

I've been home for almost 3 weeks. My daughter Boo has been with me the last week. She left this morning and she cried so hard. She has left several times from visits with me and never cried. This one was different. She is growing tired of good-byes. She wants to make a permanent home with no more good-byes. She is headed to Minnesota. I told her to stay put when she gets there. Make a home and I will come visit. Her friend Jason bumped a shelf and my little Native girl spirit guide fell and her wings broke off. Boo started crying harder and said that was a bad sign. "Oh no your spirit guide is broken." I made lite of it and said ya, but look at her face she is still smiling and I got the super glue out and Jason glued her wings on and you couldn't even tell she was broken. So it was good. I then gave her a hawk wing I had dried and said the Hawks will take care of her and I smudged her with sage smoke and we prayed for her safe journey. I am going to miss her something crazy. Of my children she holds me in her arms and loves me, really loves me as I am, imperfect and human. She respects my life and my knowledge. She truly loves me. She excepts me for me and there is no wall between us or conditions. It is a true mother, and child connection.

Awww damn I am so freakin emotional. My niece Terra told my daughter Amy..."you know how your mother is, those artist types are always emotional. I need to go have a good cry, get it out of my system. I am gonna miss that baby girl of mine something firece.

Candy McLeod

My sister, my friend, Candy Mcleod died early this morning.

I went for a 4 mile walk today in her honor. She walked with me in spirit.

Saturday I am flying home. Saturday is my one year anniversary of being cancer free.