Sunday, December 28, 2014

Survivor, Friendship, Truth...

Survivor. I have survived the two worst things anyone can survive. 

1. The death of ones own flesh and blood, a child. Granted she was 28 years old, but my child.
2. Deadly cancer. The loss of both breast. Seven years in February. 

I'm thinking that the Creator wants me here for a reason.  I don't know why just yet. Maybe I need to pay better attention to life lessons. I am reflecting as I do during this time of year. What was and why and how much did it cost emotionally.

I lost a best friend again. I thought we both had grown up. At the age of 60 one would think that. Then I remember I am married to the biggest kid of all. Some people never grow up emotionally. Death and cancer push you to grow up. Life & Time, only allowed so much of both or are they the same?

The truth. Some people can't handle the truth. It hurts too much. I wrote about the truth. Truth is. 
Friendships end. Even the great ones. Everything ends. All attachments lead to pain because nothing last forever. Simple and true.

Hooray. Here is to this next year. Hooray! Here's to friends that can't handle the truth so they lash out at you taking pot shots on Facebook every chance they get instead of picking up the phone to talk about it. But that would be the adult thing to do and it would be painful so let's act like a hurt angry child and post signs that talk about betrayal and hurt. Anyone that has ever confronted you on your issues has been deleted. I do not like Hugh but when I read what he wrote...even though I dislike him, I thought Hugh has wrote the truth and now will be deleted. I wrote the truth and I was deleted.

He wrote what everybody was thinking. How could a grown woman with 2 small children forget a hot pan of oil on a burner that was left on? Was she busy with her boyfriend who is a drunk or was she using and nodded off. For a fire to be that bad. Too lose everything. Accidents happen. Have you ever forgotten something on the stove? Before fire and smoke you smell burning, even burnt toast smells bad. This happened in broad day light at dinner time...2 small children. Two beautiful small children could have died because of Neglect. When you have small children you can't afford to be that neglectful. The truth. She told you she was in the bathroom and forgot...then she was awake and conscious could she not smell the burning? Her story does not add up. Unless she was so stoned...then it could happen. Truth.

Truth is I now have to let it go. Hashed it out one last time here and now just let it go. Let you go. It hurts. Letting you go... hurts. 

Okay a little more reflection, Virgo really annoys me the way we have to over fucking analyze everything...I gave you my blog address I knew you would read what I wrote. Maybe for me it was between us, stopping our growth. The growth of a friendship rekindled. And whatever happened to fucking unconditional love? You love me if I fit the version of me you want me to be. Hello this is me, fucking pickers and all. I love you with all your faults. Your inability to never be wrong or to apologize when you are. Never have I ever gotten an apology from you. You know how much you hurt me when you ignored me when I was trying to tell you about Ricki? You would not even look at me. Now you profess such great love and hurt that I didn't tell you. WTF??? 

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