Monday, June 30, 2008

Monkeys On The Bed

I finished 7 squares today. When I make a quilt I never use a pattern I just make it up as I go. So far these are my favorite squares. I made green pockets and I stuffed them with the monkeys. How much fun is that?

I called my doctor first thing this morning like she asked me to and I waited until noon and when she hadn't called back yet I thought don't waist the day waiting do something....and so I did.

It's 4:00PM and she still hasn't called back...


Sunday, June 29, 2008

I Collect Boxes

The picture in my header is of the many boxes I collect. I've been doing it for years. Yesterday I added to my collection because Jackie Sue sent me a beautiful flower one and some other things to lift my spirit. I wore the bracelet yesterday.

Jackie Sue I am humbled by your kindness and caring. I do love you and a few others. I have been truly blessed by my blogger friends. I am without words to express how much you all mean to me. Know I think about you and it always makes me smile.

Sometimes when I'm going through something painful like the other night when they were digging in my wound to irrigate it and clean it, I think about Jackie Sue and I wonder what she would be saying to the doctor and it really does make me laugh because I can picture her telling him to buy her dinner first or something outrageous. thank you my friend for your many gifts of laughter and giving and caring. One of a kind, you are one of a kind. A very special person.

I asked Mr. Bruce if he thought I would be able to go visit her by bus? He said he would only let me go if I flew or took the train. He was looking yesterday at the train schedule on line. :)

So one day after this crap with my breast is all over I may just end up on her door would be fun to arrive by UPS in a box too. :)

I changed my photo...I was yelling at Bruce, hahaha

This is my booboo, gross hu? That red part is actually a hole into my body. Tomorrow I go back to doc Melissa...

Saturday, June 28, 2008

My Day

I was to the doctors for a different problem I am having by 11:00 AM and to work by 2:30 PM. By 8:00 PM my underarm was killing me. When I got home I un- bandaged my booboo it was draining and hurting and I felt sick to my stomach. Bruce had me to the ED by 12:30 AM.

The doc there swabbed the wound to get a culture. Yeah you have a nasty infection. He called Doc Melissa who just happened to be on call. They gave me a 1000mg of Leviquin antibiotic and 2 percocet. Along with two prescriptions for the same meds to take at home. So it's 4:00 AM and I am itching like a mangy cat with a billion fleas.

Doc Melissa wants to see me first thing Monday. Implants may have to come out.

In the meantime I finished some squares for my baby's quilt...

I am going to put a heart square in each corner of the quilt. The ribbons say cute things like mommy and me, daddy and me, everything grows with love.

Now I am going to try and scratch myself to sleep. My love to everyone.

Thursday, June 26, 2008


I was looking through some old postings...remember 2 years ago when I got C-diff from all the antibiotics? Taken from August 2006...

This Blog is mine and I am writing from the dark side. I don’t give a shit if the sun is shining and the birds are singing. I’m near death and I am starting to get mad at stupid shit-holes for brains doctors thinking they know what’s best. I am so fucking sick of being sick I could spit fire and the next person who smiles and says to me you will get better, just give it one more day. Oh yea come here let me spit in your mouth and we will share these magical germs of mine. And when you’re burning up with a 104 fever, but yet you can’t stop the unshakable shakes of the freezing cold, and you have someone sticking you for the third time because your veins are blowing out from the fever and the illness that rages inside of you and yet you crawl out of bed to barely make it to the bathroom just to have this venomous green burning bile flying out your ass then we will talk birds and sunshine.

I read this today and it made me laugh...Shit my life is fucking hysterical, hahahaha

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


nfection, My Third
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Life

I'm sick and vomiting. I'm going back to the doctors again. I don't know if I am sick and vomiting because I'm sick and tired of going to the doctors or because I have a third infection in my surgery wound.

It's all because of my diabetes which is out of control. It's been running in the three hundreds. No I am not eating sugar. I think it's the surgeries and stress.

Bruce says it's because I won't sit still long enough for it to heal. Do you know how sick I am of sitting still waiting to heal?

So I'm off to the doctors this morning and they will start yet another round of antibotics which tears the crap out of me.

No, I'm not in a good mood. Fuck it all.

My apologies now to everyone. JackieSue I love you and I am really sorry, especially to you. You and everyone really don't deserve my pissy mood or to read about it but this blog is my venting space, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Sunday, June 22, 2008


This is Candy and Brian. I love them! They are the best people ever! She has on a red wig, Brian wanted a change and got her the red wig.

The hospital had a benefit dinner and dance for Candy tonight.

I went with Mr. Bruce and I brought my camera. I was going to take all kinds of pictures and then post them but after 3 or 4 pictures my batteries went dead. Fuck.
It was the funnest I had in a while. The DJ was an RN from the ED. His name is Jim and he is the greatest person. He played some awesome music. I did get a picture of him. :)
This is Jim talking to Candy, that is Brian her husband, Bruce's little brother. Brian has been on the fire department since he was 16 years old. His fire department helped with the dinner and dance. They raised $1,200.00 plus paid 4 months rent for them. It made Brian cry in a good way.

This is my grand-daughter Taryn who danced up a storm and made her grandma laugh. She is just like Bruce in her actions....

This is Candy and one of the med secretaries. One of the guys at work donated all of the flowers and we got to take home the center pieces on the tables. They were so pretty.

Then my stupid batteries died. And the night was just getting started. After a few drinks people started to dance and really let go. I was pissed because my camera pooped out. But my mother-in-law had her camera and she took some pictures so I will post more as the come out. My mother-in-law was very sweet to me, extra nice. I guess since I haven't talked to her since her remark she had time to think about it and decided to be nice.

It was a good night. Now if I could only get some sleep. Love you guys...XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOOXOXOOXO)XOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXO

Friday, June 20, 2008

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I went to the doctors yesterday. She was running behind so my wait in the waiting room was about an hour. Last Saturday when I got the mail I had three get well cards from friends from work who became my friends out side of work. As I opened them one by one I started to cry. In one of them they had put a pink bracelet with the word SURVIVOR. Their kindness and concern touched me deeply. The ones who didn't send cards called me and wished me the best, some even came to the hospital to see me. Toni thanks for putting lip balm on my lips when I couldn't move my arms at all and coming to my house and washing my hair. I love you. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

I even got a very cute post card from a very wonderful person this week! Thank you!

As I am waiting a young girl comes in and sits down next to me. She reminds me of my daughter Ricki. She has on the same bandanna that Ricki wore when she was bald and she had it tied the same way with the tip tucked in the back...white and black bandanna. She says so your a SURVIVOR. She saw my bracelet. I said no I'm not. You have to be cancer free for 5 years before you can be a SURVIVOR. She laughed. I asked her how old she was. She replied 25. She is done with Chemo and is now going to have both her breast removed and re-construction at the same time. I told her I just went through that and showed her my new boobs.
She laughed again and said very nice. I told her DR. Melissa is the best! She asked me about the pain, did it hurt much? I said the emotional pain is worse then the physical pain, for me anyway. They called her name and her and her mom walked away.

Brief encounters can touch your heart deeply.

I'm taking pain pills because the pain at the surgery sight under my arms is still very painful and I have things to do that require me using my arms.

I didn't sleep well last night because I have to sleep flat on my back, on my sides is just to painful. Why am I writing this? Because I smile a lot and I laugh a lot and I have an exterior way of acting because if I act it I will be it, happy. I am
really trying to make the best of my life and to be happy but sometimes it just gets really hard to smile and laugh. I go back to the DR.'s September 18, 2008. I have to have another MRI in November, November is when I was diagnosed, to see that the cancer hasn't metastasized anywhere else. You see I never have to have another mammogram and that's good but once a year I have to have an MRI to check and see if cancer has come back anywhere in my chest area, neck and head area. Usually if breast cancer metastasized it comes back in the brain, so if you see me doing something strange like wearing underwear on my head to work just take me aside and say Houston we have a problem... And I will deal with it the best way I can with a smile.

I finished my first oil painting today. I'm calling it Amy's Darkness

I am also working on a quilt for my new grand- daughter . I haven't sewed in ages and I am enjoying this. My son bummed me out with a phone call telling me that his kid didn't matter to me. It hurt me. You see before I got cancer I told him I would come out and help but then my life was turned upside down and now he and his wife are mad at me for not coming out. He is a spoiled brat and I am hoping he will get over it when he gets the quilt.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

So Yeah

So yeah I deleted the other post because I couldn't stand the one photo. Sorry. I have been fighting off an infection on my right side surgery scar. I've been taking antibiotics for a week and I haven't noticed any change. I go the Dr's on Thursday. We, me and the Dr. don't want the implant to get infected because that would be a mess she said and I agreed.

In the meantime Bruce brought home these little dots that stick from work. He was practicing where he wants my nipples to go. I swear to God when he stuck them on and took this photo I was laughing so hard I hurt. Men, you can't live with them and you can't shoot them, hehehehe

I think they should be up higher...stayed tuned for more of Bruce's nipple madness...

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life

So yeah it's 2:57 am and I'm up thinking about my surgery today. I hate being put under, I always have a hard time waking up. They will keep me overnight because of this.

I will be at Bay State, Chestnut building. Someone once asked me why I didn't go to JMH. The answer is because my co-workers don't need to see my fat ass in a johnny.

That leads me to thoughts of Candy. She would love that segue... Candy my dear sister-in-law. She is so brave and courageous. She asked me to take care of Brian. She asked me twice...I told her I would. That we all would. She became a DNR on Sunday.

I was having second thoughts about this surgery. Candy wanted this surgery but her body never got well enough for her to have it. So I figure if I am healthy enough to do it she would want me to do it. We only talked about it once.

Last time I visited her I told her I was getting my new boobs today and she laughed. Pick out some good ones she told me. I told her Bruce picked them out...round and up high, I told her I would need a face lift to go with them and she laughed again.

I would encourage you...all of you that know her to go visit her now while she is alert and still pretty much with it. Go, drop by and just say hi...I hung some young photo's of her & Brian up, that I found in a family photo album. She told me if she could get out of her bed she would kill me. God I love her and well it's just to sad to talk about.

So off I go to the shower and get ready for my surgery.

I love all of you and we need to have a JMH walk for the cure. Here we are me & Candy, two women that you know with breast cancer, the odds are 1 in 3 women you know will get breast cancer. The odds just increased. Self exam very important. Every time you shower lift those arms and feel yourself up. After your shower look in the mirror while you feel yourself up. Awareness of your body. That's how I discovered my lump under my left arm two years ago.

My mother-in-law made a sobering statement to me while she was visiting Candy she said "In a year from now this could be you." I think about that and I just want to slap the shit out of her for saying it. People should really think before they speak. If you see my mother-in-law around the hospital slap her for me will ya? Just kidding. I love her and to love her is to accept her big mouth and all.

C U later



For those of my friends at blogger, I cut and pasted this from myspace were I have co-workers who are my friends. I'm sorry I just didn't have the energy for two post. :)

Monday, June 2, 2008


Candy was put as DNR yesterday. Her fight is almost over. She lost her battle.

My surgery is Wed. I feel guilty. I was explaining this to Bruce last night. I feel guilty because I am cancer free. I should be so happy. What's the difference, me her, what is the difference?

I feel guilty that I'm OK and she is not.