No More Antibiotic!

No more antibiotic. I am finally done. Friday was my last day. Today my under arms are finally sealed shut with no leakage of anything. No infection. Done. Gone. Amen! Still very red and sore but healed.

Bruce and I stayed up almost all of Saturday night talking. Holding and talking. We will survive. He admitted he was an asshole and sometimes said things that he didn't mean. Part of his charm.

I went to "the" wedding. Here are some photo's. Enjoy... :) We arrived late because of me. I couldn't decide what to wear. I ended up wearing jeans and a t-shirt that said 'I'm really excited to be here'. The wedding part was pretty much over by the time we got there.

This is the bride and groom...off to Kim's left (looking at your screen, is her dad Bill.
Bride and groom after changing their clothes. Below my mother-in-law Joan. And yes she is yelling at me. :) Below her is a picture of Bill giving Bruce rabbit ears, and below that is a picture of Adam and Eric's magic show. They are the children of Kim and Ken but they live with Tammy and Ken. Tammy is her sister and Ken is her ex. The rest of the photos are of Bruce and Taryn in the pool. We left early because of me and Bruce was OK with that. We compromised. I would go. We would leave early. It worked out OK.

Great Anger In The Air

There was some strange energy in the air yesterday.

There are 5 stages of grief that you go through and
yesterday was anger for me. I was so angry I could
have spit fire. I was angry at Bruce my husband for
callousing saying to me "lighten up"

Instead I wrote all day. I told the story of why I was so
angry.  My English and grammar suck. I am great at run
on sentences but I wrote anyway. Thank Creator
for spell check.


By strange energy I mean my kids never call me.
Last night my son calls just to talk. I hang up from
him and my daughter calls me and she talks to me for
over an hour. We had a good talk and we cried a little.
Then my phone rings again and it's my niece who I am
very close to telling me her step mom had died that
morning of a heart attack.

Then last night I had this poignant dream. I dreamed
I was drawing this little girl in pencil. I was at the back
of her head drawing the hairs on her pig tails
and the drawing became 3 D and I was turning
her head to draw her face the face was me as a
little girl. I had been crying and there were boogers
in my nose and I felt so sorry for the little girl me
and then she turned into my daughter, the
one that died. I woke up after that.  I have
always been a vivid dreamer. Day dreams and night dreams.
This dream was very sad to me.

My body, I am so fucking angry at my body. What I lost.
I'm angry at Bruce. I'm worried at what this will do to
my girls. what message am I sending them?
Is this their future, is this what I hand down to them...
cancer?

What a great gift to pass on. I feel guilt for
this and so much anger right now.

I'm sick of getting up in the morning feeling like crap.
My under arms are raw
and red like my anger. It hurts to move to use my arms.
I just want all of this to go away. I want to sleep
peacefully through the night,
without pain every time I move.

I want my life back.

Lighten Up, A Very Long Story...

I moved out here it seems a long forever time ago but it's only been 8 years. Minnesota to the East Coast.

In those eight years I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, asthma, and last but not least breast cancer, ductal carcinoma. Do you think my body is trying to tell me something? I was 47 and healthy when I moved out here. Now I'm 54 and very unhealthy. I had bi-lateral mastectomies with reconstruction. Now I am dealing with infections to the surgical wounds. Diabetes is interfering with my healing.

I gave up a lot to be here with Bruce. That is how much I love him. It reminds me of the Jesus Christ story somewhat. Jesus loved us so much he died for us, if you believe he did you will go to heaven. After being out here I better go somewhere nicer. I've earned it. I'm not Jesus. I'm not a martyr, I acknowledge what I gave up. I accepted my life with Bruce. It was is a good life. But I can only take so much before my temper flies off and today my friends that has happened.

This is going to be a very long story. A complicated story. Lots of colorful characters. so get a cup of coffee or a beverage a snack and settle in because I really need to unload.

When I met Bruce he said he hoped his family and friends would like me because the women he dated that didn't stay in his life was because of them not liking her. I did not understand this because my whole life had been spent with men that my family hated or didn't approve of. I always went for the bad boys, more excitement, more thrills. Bruce rode a motorcycle and had the bad boy look. Inside he was is the best man with the biggest heart. I guess that is what keeps me here. That and the fact that he was practically a virgin.

He was married for 23 years to a woman that was a twin to the Virgin Mary. She was a good Catholic girl in every sense of the word. Sex was not for pleasure. Bruce had never had a blow job, a hand job, or a couple of other things. This was wicked attraction for me, to be his first. You always remember your first. :)

Awww but soon secrets would come out and Sharon isn't the Virgin Mary after all.

This woman died. She died from complications from diabetes Type 1.

I did not measure up in any ones eyes to her.

I wrote a poem about it...

Locked Doors

I laced my shoes with loneliness
and walked
uncharted land,
loneliness don't come undone
with double knots.

Wondering purgatory, I met him
he was looking for a ghost
but couldn't find her.
So he offered to untie my shoes
while lynching my heart.

He told me he lost his
virginity in a cemetery,
he also told me
that he loved me
but I was second best.

His house is a mystery
of shadows and locked doors.
I am nowhere to be found,
he descends into the basement
looking, opening each door.

I am there
lost behind a locked door
in a card board box
unable to decipher
the silence and pain that holds me.

That leads me to Easter day. The day I was to meet his family and friends. The do or die day.

Brian & Candy loved me from the first handshake. They folded me into their arms and hugged me. Candy wanted me to sit by her and she told me of the cast and characters. I loved her from the beginning. That is all you will here about them in the rest of this story.

Sue Rood pronounced Rude has been Bruce's best friend since they were 5 years old. Sue is married to Bill. They were Bruce's and Sharon's best friends. Sharon was Bruce's 1st wife. Sue and Bill have two daughters, Tammy and Kim. Tammy is in her late 30's and still lives at home. Kim got married to Ken. They have two sons.

Bruce introduces me to Sue I hold out my hand and say glad to meet you. She totally blows me off and walks away and I'm standing there with my hand out, icicles is a warm word when it comes to the cold this woman gave out. She is the matriarch of her family so everyone in her family followed suit.

Enter Pat, Bruce sister. She is an outcast of her family. Seems years ago Pat was mad at all of them and wrote a dirty little letter telling all of their secrets or airing out their dirty laundry. I sure would have liked to read that letter. She told Sharon's secret of her abortion before her and Bruce were married. Virgin Sharon had quite a sin on her soul. She told of Sue's undying lust and love of Bruce. So that is why she hates me, it fell into place. Sue is in love with Bruce and has been for years.

Pat called me up after Easter and told me that Sue thought I was too crass for Bruce. Too CRASS, me, can you believe it? Fuck no, me either. :)

Forward a year later. Bruce has asked me to marry him and I have said yes. The first persons he wants to tell are Sue and Bill. Fuck. But I go with him to tell them the good news. He tells her and she stumbles back like shes going to faint. She grabs a kitchen chair sits down and cries. Why are you getting married so soon? We've been living together for a year, why not? But I say "Because I am pregnant." If she would have had a weapon I would be dead. I start to laugh, Bruce is laughing...Sue is crying.

Bruce has a motorcycle accident. A bad accident. I set up our living room like a hospital room and I take him home and I take care of him plus work 40 hours a week. Seems only then did I measure up to be accepted by them. And just barley.

So for years I have been doing my best to get along with this family the Roods.

Forward to this last year. Their daughter Kim divorced Ken. Their daughter Tammy took Ken as her lover and new boyfriend. Now Tammy and Ken live with Sue and Bill. They bought this big Colonial house with a cement pond. I ask you is that not crass? I would never date my sisters ex, never. Isn't there some kind of code or something? Anyway that is not the whole story. Turns out Kim doesn't want to be a mom anymore either and gives the two boys to Tammy and Ken. So now Tammy and Ken live with Sue and Bill and the two boys.

Forward to now. Kim is getting married on Friday the 4th of July. A big old white wedding. Her and Brian (new guy) are getting married at Sue and Bills house. Fireworks to follow, bring your suit swimming after. I wasn't worried about it, I wasn't going. Bruce's Mom wanted us to take her to Maine for the week-end.

Forward to this morning. Bruce calls me. Mom changed her mind. Hu? She wants to go to the wedding. Well fuck I don't. Bruce says to me "Lighten UP" Now I don't know if it was my mood or my tiredness from lack of sleep at night or if it was all the crap I've been dealing with this past month combined with lack of sleep but I was instantly enraged. I think I might lighten my load by 270 pounds and that is what I said to him.

Forward to now this moment... I am done. as of right now in this moment I am done trying to please Bruce and doing everything Bruce wants. I am done.

Monkeys On The Bed

I finished 7 squares today. When I make a quilt I never use a pattern I just make it up as I go. So far these are my favorite squares. I made green pockets and I stuffed them with the monkeys. How much fun is that?

I called my doctor first thing this morning like she asked me to and I waited until noon and when she hadn't called back yet I thought don't waist the day waiting do something....and so I did.

It's 4:00PM and she still hasn't called back...

..

I Collect Boxes

The picture in my header is of the many boxes I collect. I've been doing it for years. Yesterday I added to my collection because Jackie Sue sent me a beautiful flower one and some other things to lift my spirit. I wore the bracelet yesterday.

Jackie Sue I am humbled by your kindness and caring. I do love you and a few others. I have been truly blessed by my blogger friends. I am without words to express how much you all mean to me. Know I think about you and it always makes me smile.

Sometimes when I'm going through something painful like the other night when they were digging in my wound to irrigate it and clean it, I think about Jackie Sue and I wonder what she would be saying to the doctor and it really does make me laugh because I can picture her telling him to buy her dinner first or something outrageous. thank you my friend for your many gifts of laughter and giving and caring. One of a kind, you are one of a kind. A very special person.

I asked Mr. Bruce if he thought I would be able to go visit her by bus? He said he would only let me go if I flew or took the train. He was looking yesterday at the train schedule on line. :)

So one day after this crap with my breast is all over I may just end up on her door step...it would be fun to arrive by UPS in a box too. :)

I changed my photo...I was yelling at Bruce, hahaha

This is my booboo, gross hu? That red part is actually a hole into my body. Tomorrow I go back to doc Melissa...

My Day

I was to the doctors for a different problem I am having by 11:00 AM and to work by 2:30 PM. By 8:00 PM my underarm was killing me. When I got home I un- bandaged my booboo it was draining and hurting and I felt sick to my stomach. Bruce had me to the ED by 12:30 AM.

The doc there swabbed the wound to get a culture. Yeah you have a nasty infection. He called Doc Melissa who just happened to be on call. They gave me a 1000mg of Leviquin antibiotic and 2 percocet. Along with two prescriptions for the same meds to take at home. So it's 4:00 AM and I am itching like a mangy cat with a billion fleas.

Doc Melissa wants to see me first thing Monday. Implants may have to come out.

In the meantime I finished some squares for my baby's quilt...

I am going to put a heart square in each corner of the quilt. The ribbons say cute things like mommy and me, daddy and me, everything grows with love.

Now I am going to try and scratch myself to sleep. My love to everyone.

Hahahahahahahaha

I was looking through some old postings...remember 2 years ago when I got C-diff from all the antibiotics? Taken from August 2006...


This Blog is mine and I am writing from the dark side. I don’t give a shit if the sun is shining and the birds are singing. I’m near death and I am starting to get mad at stupid shit-holes for brains doctors thinking they know what’s best. I am so fucking sick of being sick I could spit fire and the next person who smiles and says to me you will get better, just give it one more day. Oh yea come here let me spit in your mouth and we will share these magical germs of mine. And when you’re burning up with a 104 fever, but yet you can’t stop the unshakable shakes of the freezing cold, and you have someone sticking you for the third time because your veins are blowing out from the fever and the illness that rages inside of you and yet you crawl out of bed to barely make it to the bathroom just to have this venomous green burning bile flying out your ass then we will talk birds and sunshine.

I read this today and it made me laugh...Shit my life is fucking hysterical, hahahaha

Infection

nfection, My Third
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Life

I'm sick and vomiting. I'm going back to the doctors again. I don't know if I am sick and vomiting because I'm sick and tired of going to the doctors or because I have a third infection in my surgery wound.

It's all because of my diabetes which is out of control. It's been running in the three hundreds. No I am not eating sugar. I think it's the surgeries and stress.

Bruce says it's because I won't sit still long enough for it to heal. Do you know how sick I am of sitting still waiting to heal?

So I'm off to the doctors this morning and they will start yet another round of antibotics which tears the crap out of me.

No, I'm not in a good mood. Fuck it all.

My apologies now to everyone. JackieSue I love you and I am really sorry, especially to you. You and everyone really don't deserve my pissy mood or to read about it but this blog is my venting space, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Candy

This is Candy and Brian. I love them! They are the best people ever! She has on a red wig, Brian wanted a change and got her the red wig.


The hospital had a benefit dinner and dance for Candy tonight.

I went with Mr. Bruce and I brought my camera. I was going to take all kinds of pictures and then post them but after 3 or 4 pictures my batteries went dead. Fuck.
It was the funnest I had in a while. The DJ was an RN from the ED. His name is Jim and he is the greatest person. He played some awesome music. I did get a picture of him. :) This is Jim talking to Candy, that is Brian her husband, Bruce's little brother. Brian has been on the fire department since he was 16 years old. His fire department helped with the dinner and dance. They raised $1,200.00 plus paid 4 months rent for them. It made Brian cry in a good way.


This is my grand-daughter Taryn who danced up a storm and made her grandma laugh. She is just like Bruce in her actions....


This is Candy and one of the med secretaries. One of the guys at work donated all of the flowers and we got to take home the center pieces on the tables. They were so pretty.

Then my stupid batteries died. And the night was just getting started. After a few drinks people started to dance and really let go. I was pissed because my camera pooped out. But my mother-in-law had her camera and she took some pictures so I will post more as the come out. My mother-in-law was very sweet to me, extra nice. I guess since I haven't talked to her since her remark she had time to think about it and decided to be nice.

It was a good night. Now if I could only get some sleep. Love you guys...XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOOXOXOOXO)XOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXO

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I went to the doctors yesterday. She was running behind so my wait in the waiting room was about an hour. Last Saturday when I got the mail I had three get well cards from friends from work who became my friends out side of work. As I opened them one by one I started to cry. In one of them they had put a pink bracelet with the word SURVIVOR. Their kindness and concern touched me deeply. The ones who didn't send cards called me and wished me the best, some even came to the hospital to see me. Toni thanks for putting lip balm on my lips when I couldn't move my arms at all and coming to my house and washing my hair. I love you. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

I even got a very cute post card from a very wonderful person this week! Thank you!

As I am waiting a young girl comes in and sits down next to me. She reminds me of my daughter Ricki. She has on the same bandanna that Ricki wore when she was bald and she had it tied the same way with the tip tucked in the back...white and black bandanna. She says so your a SURVIVOR. She saw my bracelet. I said no I'm not. You have to be cancer free for 5 years before you can be a SURVIVOR. She laughed. I asked her how old she was. She replied 25. She is done with Chemo and is now going to have both her breast removed and re-construction at the same time. I told her I just went through that and showed her my new boobs. She laughed again and said very nice. I told her DR. Melissa is the best! She asked me about the pain, did it hurt much? I said the emotional pain is worse then the physical pain, for me anyway. They called her name and her and her mom walked away.

Brief encounters can touch your heart deeply.

I'm taking pain pills because the pain at the surgery sight under my arms is still very painful and I have things to do that require me using my arms.

I didn't sleep well last night because I have to sleep flat on my back, on my sides is just to painful. Why am I writing this? Because I smile a lot and I laugh a lot and I have an exterior way of acting because if I act it I will be it, happy. I am really trying to make the best of my life and to be happy but sometimes it just gets really hard to smile and laugh. I go back to the DR.'s September 18, 2008. I have to have another MRI in November, November is when I was diagnosed, to see that the cancer hasn't metastasized anywhere else. You see I never have to have another mammogram and that's good but once a year I have to have an MRI to check and see if cancer has come back anywhere in my chest area, neck and head area. Usually if breast cancer metastasized it comes back in the brain, so if you see me doing something strange like wearing underwear on my head to work just take me aside and say Houston we have a problem... And I will deal with it the best way I can with a smile.

I finished my first oil painting today. I'm calling it Amy's Darkness

I am also working on a quilt for my new grand- daughter . I haven't sewed in ages and I am enjoying this. My son bummed me out with a phone call telling me that his kid didn't matter to me. It hurt me. You see before I got cancer I told him I would come out and help but then my life was turned upside down and now he and his wife are mad at me for not coming out. He is a spoiled brat and I am hoping he will get over it when he gets the quilt.