Love & Family

"I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right"

~~Bob Dylan~~

That's the song going through my head. My precious time was still precious because I was spending most of it with my beautiful grand-daughter Piper who was innocent in all that has happened. I will never regret the time and hours I have shared with her. Her beautiful drools smile. Her laughter. Her love. I had to suffer some but what a pay off, time with this beautiful baby. We bonded. We have a heart connection. I love her and she loves me. She will remember her granny.

I've made my amends with Trina. She is a very tough cookie. She had to be growing up and so she still is a fighter and scraper. I just wish she would learn to balance it out more. Grand-ma's are not people you need to be fighting with. Grand-ma's are good. Grand-ma's mean no harm.

I think now in the end of my visit she is learning that. She had to find day care for Piper for when I leave here on Saturday the 28th of February. Monday Piper will go to day care. Not a center but a family day care. Trina went for the visit on Saturday and she said it was not perfect and somethings bothered her and she realized the luxury of having someone at home taking care of the baby. That is as close as a thank you as I am going to get. I can live with it.

She is the mother of my grand-daughter and she is my son's wife. I am trying in all my wisdom not to burn any bridges behind me. We had a big confrontation about a lot of stuff. Mostly about how she invaded my privacy and got into all my password protected stuff and this blog. She didn't like what was posted here. She shouldn't have been snooping. It's my blog. It's where I come to bitch. She gave me stuff to bitch about... I ended up apologizing for some of the rude things I said and then I deleted them to keep the peace. As of this writing I never received an apology for the invasion of my privacy and my deleted password. Oh well.

Travis had his surgery last Friday and all was a success. That was my main reason for coming out here to make sure he got his surgery. I think he will have great success at his weight loss. He had lost 21 pounds on the two weeks of liquids before the surgery. He came home off diabetic meds! His blood sugars have been normal. Yeah for that!

Anyway thanks guys for hanging in there with me. I am flying out of here Saturday morning at 7:46am should touch down in Hartford, CT around 1:15pm.

Say a prayer for a good flight...

I love you guys!

Nose Dive & Other Stuff

Went for a walk last night with Trina. I hit a icy spot and I swear to god it was like a cartoon picture...my feet were going back and forth so fast and I was trying to catch my balance and I could feel myself falling forward and then it went in slow motion for me...all I could think of was save the new boobs. Do not land on the new boobs! Do not puncture the new boobs! They aren't even a year old and they are hardly used, so save the boobs! My arms shot out in front of me and absorbed the biggest part of the impact. I was laughing so hard when I hit the ground. Trina kept asking me are you OK? I could tell by the sound of her voice she was scared I had hurt myself but I told her if I had hurt myself I wouldn't be laughing this hard. I didn't even knock the wind out of my sails because I was laughing so hard.

Today my arms feel like I have been weight lifting. Muscles hurt. My back hurts and my left ribs hurt. But hey the boobs are intact and good! Damn I'm glad it was dark and no body saw me fall. when I told Bruce the story he said "save the ta ta's." great minds think a like. :)))

That was a day ago. I was watching Rocky and he got up and ran those stairs and I thought if Rocky can do it you can do it so get off your ass and go. Today it's minus 25 but I put on my long underwear, my ski mask, my big boots, my warm jacket with fur hood up and I went walking. I asked my son to come with but he said hell no it's too cold. Hello, you live in Minnesota, it's fucking cold here and you had better get used to it if you ever want to go out side. So this 55 year old woman went out and walked 3 miles. Coming home I walked right past their house and just kept walking...I was deep in thought when I looked up and realized I had walked right past their house. Maybe my subconscious was saying you really don't want to go back there do?, you just keep walking.

Mr. Bruce has booked a flight out for me. I am flying home April 2, 2009. It can't come soon enough. My son's surgery was approved and he is meeting with his surgeon on Monday and they will give him a surgery date. Sometime the end of February. Yeah baby! I informed them both I am leaving here on April 2, 2009. I was supposed to be here until May but cut it as short as I could.

Don't get me wrong I love my kids dearly. I raised them to be good human beings. Basically they are good...just not to me. Sad. It was a very rude awakening this trip. Those of you who have been reading me for a few years know the heartache I had at being torn in two. Always wanting to come home to Minnesota but not wanting to leave Bruce and his family. It took this trip and these months out here to show me you can never go home again. I have been here 3 months and my daughter Amy called me for the first time today. I have called her almost daily leaving messages. She has call ID so I know she knows it's me. This hurts. I can't even begin to say how it hurt me the way I was so unappreciated by my son and his lovely wife. My baby Boo calls me every three days and we get along so good. She is staying in Maine. She said to me "Mom you need to take care of you and if your not happy there you need to come back home." How can a mom have three kids and only be appreciated by one of them? They were all raised the same. I don't get it.

Any way I am counting down to April 2, 2009. It can't come soon enough. I will miss Piper and my sister Lee the most. They have been the kindest to me.

As of this writing I have gone from 235 pounds to 154 pounds. My blood pressure was 100/60, my blood sugar was 80...I am healthier, the numbers prove it. Yeah me!

Today

Crap I am feeling so emotional. I feel like I did right before I used to get my period. I haven't had a period in 2 years so why are my hormones running a muck and toying with my emotions?

This morning I wanted to kill, hurt and maim. This afternoon I want to hide in my cave and cry. Crap. Crap. Double crap. It's only Tuesday.

I got my primary care Doctor's orders in the mail the other day and I had a lab appointment at my son's doctor's office yesterday. I got there and the lab people couldn't make out the orders for metabolic make up. I explained that I had a Gastric by-pass and he wants to check out my nutrition and how my body is reacting to starving basically. Had I been home I would have had at least three doctor's appointments since my surgery to see how my body is doing. This is just blood work. The lab people then ask me what is my doctor's name? I say isn't it on the orders? How do you say it? Dr. Ro. RO (Row) She tells her assistant to punch it in and see if he is in the system...hello dumb ass he won't be in your system because as I have told you now three times I came from Massachusetts to help my son for a few months and I need some blood work done while I am here. The movie Fargo comes to mind eh!

It ends up I have to make a new appointment for Saturday so they can call Dr. Ro and ask him what he means by metabolic work up. Lab person assures me they will have it all figured out by Saturday. I'm not feeling so secure in their ability to understand anything.

The Weekend

The weekends are long here. I try to stay in the basement but there is no natural light. The windows have all been blocked with wood from the previous owners afraid of break ins. Trina and I tried to take some of the wood down but the guy used security screws. Those are screws you can screw in but can't screw back out.

The basement is fully finished with tile floors and a drop ceiling, if I could just get the wood off the windows to get some natural light it would be great.

Trina came home last Friday with a surprise for me. I came up the stairs and she said I have a present for you...she pulls out a really nice pair of size 14 jeans she got at Target. She grabs me and hugs me and tells me how sorry she is for the other morning. I was flabbergasted. The jeans fit perfect. Hey from a size 24 to a 14. All my clothes are too big for me so to get a size that actually fit was nice. I thanked her and as for the apology I accepted it. Hopefully we will get along better in the future.

My sister-in-law Candy is under Hospice care now. I had to find out from the hospital grapevine. A co-worker text me to say she was sorry about Candy and I had no idea what she was talking about, and she said about Candy in hospice. I thanked her for telling me and I called Bruce to ream his ass out for not telling me. He had good reasons, worried about me and how far away I am. I wrote Candy a letter telling her how much she means to me and how much I am going to miss her and that I will always remember her. I sent it e-mail so she would get it through her husband Brian right away. I just needed to say good bye.

Then when I was done I was talking myself into going for a walk outside. It is cold here. It is like the 17th day in a row for below zero weather. Then I thought about Candy. She is my Hero. I thought she would give anything to go for a walk so get off your lazy ass and take your walk. I walked 3 miles and I felt so good doing it. I just need to keep it up everyday. It's -30 here today and snowing but Bruce sent me my snow pants and I have the gear for cold weather outing now so no excuses...just do it.

The reason I am here and the only thing that matters right now, Piper is calling me...later dudes.

Minnesota

Sister Lee
Lee and grand-son Ben
Sliding...
Niece Chloe' and Dawn and below human Popsicles...Lee, Chloe', me and Carl

Taking care of Piper is why I came out here and the rest of stuff is just gravy.

I'm having a good time for the most part. I just spent 5 days in Duluth playing in the snow. The picture above was taken at the Warmer By The Lake festival. There was a storm coming in off of Lake Superior and the wind chill was -50. A good frozen time was had by all. I am the one in orange and the rest are my nieces.

I'm back in Minneapolis taking care of Piper and sometimes the days are very long. I'd forgotten what it was like to stay home and take care of a baby...Bless all the young moms out there.

This week-end will suck because I am stuck here. I wish I had a car and a job. I do have those things just not here. I guess I should just sit back and enjoy these months off before too long I will be complaining about work.

I have lost 65 pounds but right now hit a spot weight were I seem to be staying. My hair is falling out by the handfuls. You can lose 40 to 50 percent of your hair, no one told me that before the surgery. So I just pick it up and throw it in the garbage. O well, it's only hair and hopefully it will grow back.

I'm taking more vitamins and herbs then Heinz has pickles. Every 2 hours, three or four supplements. Extra B12, D, C and horsetail, garlic and some stuff I can't spell.

It's hard to get on line here because I have to use my son's computer which he is pretty touchy about. Don't do this, don't do that...

Just wanted to write a small blog and I have...

Sorry...

I am really sorry for neglecting this blog and all my friends here. It's been a tough few months.

The good news is I've been in Minnesota since Sunday and so far so good.Piper is the best baby. She never cries. Always greets me with a big toothless smile.

My son upon meeting me at the airport didn't recognize me. "Mom you don't look like you, you are so tiny. I've been called a lot of things in my life but tiny was never one of them. As to date I have lost 55 pounds. My son is meeting with his gastric-by-pass team Dec. 1, 2008. Seeing me doing so well has encouraged him. I told him the surgery will save his life. I am so glad I can be here to help him.

Awww Piper is calling me and that is why I am here...

I wonder how Bruce is living it up without me?

I Spoke Too Soon

I spoke too soon. I was running a low grade fever. My primary care doc said to come in. I went in. I gave blood and urine. Doc tells me you have a UTI from being catheterized from surgery. OK. He puts me on Cipro for 5 days...500 mg once in the morning and once at night.

After 5 days I become deathly ill. Admit right to the hospital ill. 102.9 fever ill. Want to die ill. C-diff ill.

This is the second time I have gotten this illness from antibiotics. Seems from now until the rest of my life I can't take antibiotics without a course of treatment for C-diff first and probiotics.

The 7 days I was in the hospital I was under quarantine. My doc didn't visit me once. Not once. Do you know why? I do. Assfuck. I blew out 5 IV lines and was not a model patient. Because of breast removal and lymph node removal I'm what they call a hard stick. They can't touch my right arm at all so you can imagine my left arm...if not here are some photos. I got home yesterday and I'm so weak and nauseated and my hair is falling out by the handfuls and I'm not a real happy camper right now. I have tied a knot in my rope and I'm hanging on.

Two Weeks Out

So it's been a while. I've been recouping. I am losing about eight pounds a week. The biggest thing is I am never hungry anymore. No appetite. I was on five or six meds and now I am down to two. No more diabetes. I am walking two miles a day and I am getting on my bike. I feel great this week.

I got by with the micro...five tiny, tiny incisions and they did the whole gastric by-pass. The incisions healed with no infection because the diabetes was gone. I am feeling so good that Monday I can go back to work.

Yesterday I gave away four big bags of my clothes. They no longer fit. I've gone down three sizes. Yeah!

Thanks to all who check on me...it touches my heart and soul and when I am out on my walks I think about all you good people and I try my hardest to send you love through the cosmos. I have been blessed.

Magnesium Citrate

Day before surgery. Instructions read drink 10 oz. bottle of Magnesium Citrate. Failure to follow this prep will result in your surgery being cancelled.

I've gone through hell to get this surgery. Six months of classes, a psychiatric evaluation that I thought I would fail but didn't, kudos for me! Then I had to put it on hold for 7 months because of breast cancer, breast surgery, breast reconstructive surgery, got back on track...2 more visits to the doctors and 2 more visits to the nutritionist and then 2 weeks of protein shakes which ended yesterday on a gagging note.

Which leads me up to today and this fucking bottle of Magnesium Citrate. This 10 oz. bottle that I can't seem to drink. This lousy $1.99 bottle of clear pleasing lemony flavored Magnesium Citrate...

Because I know how I am going to spend this day if I drink this.

As for how me and Bruce are doing, I told him I would drive myself to the hospital tomorrow.

Now off I go to stand over the kitchen sink to see if I can choke this down...UGH!

Eighty-Seven Porn Sights

I worked yesterday and while I was at work my husband visited 87 porn sights. How much time did that take? Eight hours probably. How do I know this? My brand new computer has the same virus my old computer had. WinSpyWare virus from porn sights. And he didn't erase his history, left it right there for me to find.

He bought this computer on August 10th. Not even a month ago.

How do I feel? My eyes are so dry from crying.

I don't care about the Internet or using the computer.

This was about trust, honor, integrity and my faith in my best friend. How could he do this a fourth time? How could he do this so soon after just healing from the last time?

I am so embarrassed. I am in shock. I am not even going to post this on my space were Bruce children can read this. Shannon would be so upset that her dad is such a pervert.

This is beyond dumb ass, beyond stupid.

I am such a fool. My daughter Amy said it is time to leave.

I have this huge surgery coming up next Tuesday. Gastric By-pass. My daughter Boo will be here.

I need all my strength to get through this. My self esteem is in the toilet. I lack something that my husband needs. It's my fault. What am I not doing for him to meet his needs that he has to keep looking at porn on line?

I have lost my respect for my best friend. I have lost faith and trust. What do I have left? Fuck. What do I have left?