Sunday, March 23, 2008

Raging Rejection & Infection

Yeah that's what's left of my left breast. See the really red spot. Well that explains why I've felt like killing myself the last few days. I was already swollen from surgery so it's hard to tell if your body is rejecting the expander and implant they put in.

By last night I wanted to die. I thought about the bottle of booze and the newly filled prescription of Oxy and Valium. Then I looked over at poor Mr. Bruce and thought nope I just can't leave him by himself. So I called my surgeon. I thought it's Easter week-end who the fuck is going to be around? She was. Not only was she there for me but had me come into her office at 9:00am this Easter morning instead of going through the ED. It brought me to tears that this doctor actually listened and felt my pain. My left side is infected and is rejecting the implant and expander. The right side is not, the right side is great. So the picture above...well picture it three times that size, bright red and hurting like a bitch.

The doc asked me about the tattoo. I told her the bear is my birth animal spirit. I got it on my daughter Ricki Joy's 21st birthday and it was a full moon. The four feathers stood for my four children. Ricki Joy died 2 days past her 28th birthday from cancer. Bruce said if she was alive she would be calling me every 5 minutes today and saying some pretty funny things. She had a wonderful sense of humor which I try to uphold.

Anyone whose been reading my blog for a while knows I hold nothing back. It all, the good , bad and ugly comes out here.

So now we know why I wanted to disappear and is what nature does, hurt animals want to go off by themselves and die..

I'm on some really big doses of antibiotics for now and so I will stay in my recliner and rest. It hurts to move my left arm and I did this blog one hand typing just for you my friends.

See ya when I'm feeling better.


apositivepessimist said...

Beautiful symbolism. I can never understand the anti-tattoo people, if only they knew half the stories behind the decision for body art.

Be well real soon NancyGirl.

yellowdog granny said...

holy shit sweety...If it wasn't for the fact that st.mary's is full of czech catholics i'd go light a candle for you right will just send up my prayers to the goddess for you sans what are they going to do?...start over? so sorry my friend...wish there was something that i could me if you need to talk..js

Mama Kelly said...

Oh hun!

I am so sorry for this complication. I hope you are feeling much better soon!!!!

Mama Kelly

Rainwolf said...

That's a beautiful tattoo. I'll be thinking of you, hope everything evens out soon.

billy pilgrim said...


keeping thinking of bruce and don't give up. i always think of the chinese adage that a long journey beginning with a singe step. you're way past that first step.

sageweb said...

Hang in there pretty lady. I wish I could take some of the pain on for you. Get better and think happy thoughts.

Allan said...

It's a beautiful tattoo and a truly moving story. Heal well.

tsduff said...

I do love your tat. My lover is a bear - I've always been attached to a bear in some form.

As for your pain - bother. It has got to be hell to be dealing with not only the pain from the invasion of your body through the terrible surgery, but also trying to come to grips with the mutilation of your body mentally. I honestly don't know how I would react, but I doubt it would be pretty. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. I have three children - 31, 30 and 28. Your loss must be unbearable.

Love and hugs - and hang in there. I know your body will oust the infection, and this too shall pass. You won't always feel - at least as strongly LOL like death would be the better alternative.

Wishing you every healing.


buddha_girl said...

Fucking ridiculous.

You've dealt with enough. Someone else should have to handle the pain and uncertainty now.

Here's to good pain meds and antibiotics.

As well as boobs that will accept implants without making you want to slink off into the woods.

texlahoma said...

Like Billy said, keep thinking of Bruce. Picture the future when you're all healed up and are able to do the things that you want to do.