A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

I feel good now like I knew that I would now, so good, so good...sing it with me

Picture taken this morning. Yeah baby I feel that good! Thanks to all of my friends and family who would not let me fall...I love you guys! Like the sexy underwear thingy?...it's been in my closet for 10 years, boobs were too big, now it fits...hehehehe

Goals

I set some goals for myself today because if I didn't I would sink into such a depression nothing would save me.

First goal I didn't know was a goal but was a dream. I was sleeping a wonderful Oxy sleep, dreaming I was running off of the highest roof to kill myself. I got to the edge and my thought was hell yes jump. And I jumped. I landed in a heap at the bottom but didn't die just woke up and thought damn that myth wasn't true.

Goal 1) OK it's 11:00am and you're just waking up and what do you want to do? A shower was a good answer, so I got showered and dressed with shoes and everything.

Goal 2) Feed the piggies and clean out their cage and give them fresh water. I got that done.

Goal 3) Go for a walk outside. Go at least a 1/4 of a mile and back. I did it. It felt good.

Goal 4) NO MORE OXY for pain. NONE. Dumped the bottle out. I've seen what prolonged use of the drug can do and I was falling into the pits of it. I haven't had a oxy since 10:00pm last night. I was taking them every 4 hours.

Goal 5) Too make more goals for the day...maybe go back to work at the hospital for one day just to see how I do.

Goal 6) Try and visit some other blogs today. :)

Raging Rejection & Infection

Yeah that's what's left of my left breast. See the really red spot. Well that explains why I've felt like killing myself the last few days. I was already swollen from surgery so it's hard to tell if your body is rejecting the expander and implant they put in.

By last night I wanted to die. I thought about the bottle of booze and the newly filled prescription of Oxy and Valium. Then I looked over at poor Mr. Bruce and thought nope I just can't leave him by himself. So I called my surgeon. I thought it's Easter week-end who the fuck is going to be around? She was. Not only was she there for me but had me come into her office at 9:00am this Easter morning instead of going through the ED. It brought me to tears that this doctor actually listened and felt my pain. My left side is infected and is rejecting the implant and expander. The right side is not, the right side is great. So the picture above...well picture it three times that size, bright red and hurting like a bitch.

The doc asked me about the tattoo. I told her the bear is my birth animal spirit. I got it on my daughter Ricki Joy's 21st birthday and it was a full moon. The four feathers stood for my four children. Ricki Joy died 2 days past her 28th birthday from cancer. Bruce said if she was alive she would be calling me every 5 minutes today and saying some pretty funny things. She had a wonderful sense of humor which I try to uphold.

Anyone whose been reading my blog for a while knows I hold nothing back. It all, the good , bad and ugly comes out here.

So now we know why I wanted to disappear and die...it is what nature does, hurt animals want to go off by themselves and die..

I'm on some really big doses of antibiotics for now and so I will stay in my recliner and rest. It hurts to move my left arm and I did this blog one hand typing just for you my friends.

See ya when I'm feeling better.

Creation of Raven by me

I did the painting of above. I did two of them Creation 1 & 2.

I haven't painted since my surgery. My right arm can't deal with holding of the paint brush. I have tried. I think I am at the part of my recovery where all I feel is pain and pissed off. I'll get through it I always do. Usually I just disappear without a word but JackieSue doesn't desreve to be treated that way plus she get's so mad at me I'm afarid she would come up here and beat the crap out of me.

I have slept most of the day today. I just woke up and didn't have nothing to blog about so this is it.

Bruce leaves every day for work and tells me the same thing..."paint something today."

And I think the same thing every time he says it. I will spare you my thoughts of shoving a painting up his ass.

So this is it for a while. I don't know how long.

Thanks for putting up with me.

Nancy

Chief Tamaha, painting by me

Tamaha

A chief of the Mdewakanton Sioux who met and aided Lt. Zebulon Pike during the American explorer's expeditions in 1806 and 1807. Their ensuing strong friendship prompted Tamaha to remain loyal to the United States during the War of 1812 despite the fact that most of the Sioux supported the British. Tamaha not only refused to join the other Sioux in the war against the United States, but served General Clarke as a scout and messenger. On one of his trips, he was imprisoned by a fur trader in the employ of the British and, though threatened with execution, steadfastly refused to divulge any information to the enemy. After the war, in 1816, he visited St. Louis to participate in a council of the 46 chiefs from the upper Missouri. General Clarke took that occasion to present Tamaha a medal of honor for his faithful service to the United States. Tamaha lived to the age of 85, venerated by red man and white man alike. He died in April 1860 at Wabasha, Minn.

This is my great grand-father. He and his wife Wynona had a daughter. Her name was Apan Elku meaning Little Elk. When Chief Tamaha signed the treaty of 1812 (pictured above he is the man in the first row sitting down in the middle, this is at the signing of the treaty of 1812) he agreed to change his tribes names to English. Her name was changed to Ellen Turpin. She was my grand-mother. She also was a great Medicine Woman. She delivered many white settlers babies.

I just got my letter of acceptance into this tribe...

The first paragraph goes like this...

"Welcome to our Community! The Mendota Mdewakanton Dakota Community's Membership Committee has completed review of your membership application and found that you qualify for descendants membership under the terms of our Constitution and Bylaws."

Then in the next breath they are asking me for $15.00 a month to 'belong' to their community. If I don't pay it, then I don't belong, they throw me out.

I wrote back saying that they already found that I qualify because of descendancy, meaning blood. Blood is blood and $15.00 bucks a month wasn't going to change that fact so to go a head and throw me out.

Because of my work with special needs Native American children I had to count my blood drops of descendancy . It turned out to be 53 % Native Blood. All documented and approved except for that $15.00 dollar thing.

I ain't gonna pay it.

I'm bitchy that way. It's in my Sioux blood.

JackieSue Bruce went out and bought the cylinder I needed to mail you Willie. So Friday I will be mailing him to you. Finally! And you need to change my name from Lakota to Dakota Princess, thank you very much :))))

Philosophy

I have had a lot of time to sit and think. Some days to sit and cry. But most days I was amazed at how many people genuinely cared about me.

People that weren't related to me by marriage or otherwise. Just people I work with or know by blogging. Awww Rocky I miss you when you get quiet and sortta disappear. I love you. Then there is that great force of nature JackieSue. Honestly the best friend anyone could have. I love you. It's amazing how much love the human heart can hold! Now I have all these new people JackieSue introduced me to and my circle just gets bigger and better.

How does that happen? How do we end up caring about others who don't belong to us or our tribe. Was it a smile or kind word? Was it a thing, a thing that reminded us of someone we love?

Cheryl, what can I say about her? Cheryl has become one of my best friends. I think its because she reminds me of myself. Shes a rebel and loves pigs. She also comes with a great mother whom I love. I am an orphan and I know Barbara would adopt me as her own. And it so nice to have a mother figure to talk to.

Toni reminds me of my Amy. Very reasonable, level headed and hard working. Very compassionate, she sees someone who needs a hug or smile or a head washing and she does it with a smile and love in her heart. She does it without expecting anything back. Her friendship is unconditional. I love her. She introduced Joe to me whose mom is Barb. Joe reminds me of my son Travis so much. And Barb is such a caring good person. Thanks you Toni for bringing them into my life.

Sarah reminds me of my youngest. Self absorbed at times but that is part of her charm. She listens. She listens deeply and she hears with her ears and heart. She calls or text me every day to see how I am. Sometimes it's at 2:00 am but it stills makes me smile. She brought me tulips the other day and they are beautiful and blooming. It's kind of cool because they will come back year after year. I love her.

Then theres the others; Toni, and Laura, Melissa, Mary, Linda, Betty, Bill, Nancy, MaryAnn, Carolyn, Candice and so many others.

My JMH family.

And I want to thank my step son Ryan for texting me almost daily to see how I am. It touches my heart Ryan like you don't even know. Thank you. I love you.

I love you all and I thank you for thinking of me.

I got off track with my philosophy on why people have to suffer in life. And my pain pill is wearing off and I need to go take another one. If I remember I will get back to my philosophy on pain and suffering. I am now on Oxycodone, another lovely drug. I went to the doctors today and she filled me up with another 100 ccs in each new boob. And God have mercy she took those awful fucking drains out! Its weird for me to have boobs high and firm, and they are only half full. I love my new boobs. I don't think my philosophy had anything to do with new boobs but at the age of 54 and getting the boobs of a 16 year old, well I just want to jump up and down and scream nanananaabooboo. :)

The Doctors

Yesterday was my first post op visit. The doc put in 50cc of saline water into each boob. Bruce was so excited it was pretty funny. The doc said the drains had to stay in one more week.

So we get home and Bruce says can I touch? Touch what I ask? He says the swell of your breast at the top. Hu? I have a swell at the top of what used t be my breast? Ya and it's kind of sexy.

Sure go for it. The man had a smile that lasted for an hour.

So next Monday we go in again and get another 50 cc of saline water. I asked the doc how many too go before we put in the real implant? She says 350 cc.,after next week she said it will feel uncomfortable, tight and start to stretch. Then we will come in every two weeks for a fill of 50 ccs until we hit the 350 mark. After that I will have to decide saline implants or silicone. My sister Lee has saline and when you hug her they are as hard as rocks. They look fantastic but are hard.

The doc gave me lots of stuff to read about silicone and it's now what they call 3rd generation silicone. Safer if it leaks. But from what I read leaks average about the same as silicone vs saline water. Silicone feels so much more realistic. So I am tending to go with a good size C cup and silicone.

I trust my doc and she knows the hell I'm going though right now and wouldn't steer my wrong.

I'm still swollen and bruised and I hurt to move. I take my pain med and I wait 20 minutes for it to start working so I can get up and feel productive. I then fall asleep and I wake up and the cycle starts over. So this part of the recovery sucks.

I have an appointment with my breast surgeon Doc Holly on Thursday. We will discuss the one lymph node that came back with cancer. I'm looking forward to that chat .

I've lost my appetite. It's upsetting to Bruce. You need to eat to get better. He made the best dinner and all I could get down was a chicken wing, one piece of broccoli and a half of ear of corn. I'm just hitting the down side of this and don't feel like doing much of anything but sleep.

So why am I up at 1:47AM WRITING THIS? wtfdik?

Yeah It's Me ...

OK I got all the links to work. Not bad for a chick who is on morphine, Valium and Tramadol just for good measure.

The Doc added the Tramadol because of what happened to me the other night. You see although morphine is a wonderful pain killer it can cause some pretty good or bad dreams. I have drains coming out of my sides. Both sides. So I can't sleep on my sides. I can't sleep in a bed so I sleep in a recliner. Well the other night I was having a morphine night mare. It was night terror so strong I could not move or speak from fright. All I can tell ya was I wanted out of that fucking chair now!

Too make a long story short I got out of that chair, sortta pulled a drain too hard and woke up Mr. Bruce scaring the shit out of him. You are dreaming Nancy! Get me the fuck out of here...

Well I finally woke up and I had hurt or twisted my back somehow in my rampage to get out of that chair and so Tramadol was added to my pain cocktail. The drain was fixed and restitched and now Bruce is sleeping on the couch right next to me so I don't freak out in my sleep and pull anything else.

My back hurt so much yesterday that he came home from work early to help me to wash up or sneak a shower. He taped the drains with water proof tape and I stood in the shower and I let the water gods wash all the crap and negativity off of me and I felt like a new person.

I go to see Dr. Johnson tomorrow at 10:30 am. She's the plastic surgeon who is giving me the nice firm c cup I want, up high and round. Soon as they are done you will see a picture I promise!This picture is not the most flattering picture of me but it's real and was taken this morning. I did it for JackiSue mostly. I need the pillow to hug for pain. and after this is over I am going to kill the chair.

OK thats it for now. Kisses & hugs to every body!

Morphine Dreams

So yeah, I'm up and sitting at the computer.

I'm on a hefty dose of morphine every four hours plus Valium to take the edge off. I never knew I had edges I always thought I was round.

It took me the better part of my consciousness to add a few new friends. I felt like I was zipping along but no I wasn't and it is now noon and the visiting nurse is on her way to look at my scares and drains and various holes that have stuff coming out of them. My left boob removal left a scare 21 inches, how the fuck cool is that?

It might be the morphine but I would love to play the scare game with someone. Oh yeah, well look at this one...

Hey my phone rang and it was my Doctor. The lymph node biopsies came in. The left side is clean. Wooooowho! The right side showed a very small carcinoma in one of the nodes. They removed it. So today I'm sitting up at my PC adding some new friends and life is fucking great as far as my feelings go. I love you man, all of you. I may have to do a little chemo. I needed a haircut anyway. :)

Peace out and have a great fucking day in the best way! Hugggsss!

All the new links I added don't work and I'm too tired to try and fix them right now. I will fix them though sonner or later. At least I tried...

This Freaks Me Out A Little

Tribal Council Approves WalMart

The Eastern Band of Cherokees has completed negotiations to bring a WalMart Super Center store to Cherokee.The site is above downtown on the hillside by the Cherokee Indian Hospital. The store is expected to boots tribal levy collections by over $1 million. Negotiations to bring the store onto the reservation began after talks with surrounding counties to locate the store near Cherokee failed to reach a satisfactory conclusion. Site preparation has already begun.

Breast Cancer & Friends

I am here to tell you that I could have not gotten as far with this cancer fight as I have without my Hero's and Guardian Angels.

My sister Lee is both. She led the way for me through this terrible ordeal. The ugliness of having your chest destroyed and mangled. The pain. You can't imagine the pain. Burning stabbing pain. And through all of that the only thing that mattered was the love I felt for her alliance to me, her faith in me to survive this. It's funny after it's over the thoughts you share. She didn't think I was strong enough to endure this because of all the grieving I did over Ricki. Ricki was my strength. Ricki showed me how to fight. Ricki did not die in vain, she died showing her mother the way, the way to life.

My husband Bruce is my strongest hero. He bathed me and I was embarrassed for him to see my chest. I was humiliated by the ugliness there. The scars, wounds, black and blue, the caved in chest that was once full. The bloody drains. How could he love me now? And I watched his face as I removed the bandages and I scrutinized what was on his face, his emotions. He showed no signs of disgust or repulsiveness. All I saw was love in his beautiful face. He washed me and when he was done he hugged me to him and he said he was glad that I was still here with him because if I died he mine as well as died to.

Then there is Toni. She is an Angel. She is no relation to me. She is a young person who has so much compassion and love and giving in her heart. She was here with me right after surgery applying lip moisturizer to my lips because it hurt to move my arms right after surgery. She sat by my side and comforted me. She came to my house on Friday and she washed my hair and she stayed with me until the visiting nurse came. When the visiting nurse asked to see my wounds and I un-bandage them, Toni was not repulsed by what she saw. She was very supportive. She is close to my heart. She is a very special Angel to me.

I had so many people sending good thoughts and prayers my way I felt truly inspired to get through this well and healthy. I thank you all so much and I am on my way to a full recovery. I am humbled to all of you and your good and happy thoughts. Jackie Sue you are the best. The cream of the crop as mom would say. Thank you, thank you. To all of you whom I have never met and stopped by to wish me well...Thank you. The positive energy is with me giving me strength. Thank you.

I am truly blessed by everyone of you. Thank you.