Hot Dogs & Flower Bridge &Taryn and Nina

This is what I did yesterday, and today I am resting... But first this picture of Bruce and Cole...see the resemblance!
I loved this orange flower!

This was just plain funny...Bruce's white!

The End of another great day!

Butterflys, Picnic, Ribs and a Well Deserved Nap

I am so busy. I don't have time to myself . I work 12 hours a day 4 or 5 days a week. The week-ends Bruce's family has me doing this and doing that. I just don't have enough time in the day to do all the things I want to. Here are some photos of my busy week-end last week-end. We took the grand-kids to the Butterfly gardens. Then on a picnic, then I walked Sissy the cat, then we ate dinner at Brian's house, Bruce's brother, then I passed out. I am off to work now. Have a great week-end everyone!

The End.

Life, Awww It Has Become Beautiful Again...

Life, my life has become beautiful again. Man it's been such a long time in the dark and cold and depression. Five long years spent in the darkest places I've ever been. Yet I had these bright Angels who stuck with me through the darkest parts of my life. These Angels of light were you. Yes, you, people I have never met who just came by to check on me and offer a kind word or two. I think about you. All of you at different times. Leo comes with me on my daily walks with his wisdom and free expression at what I see on my walks. JackieSue comes with me when I go to work and my drunks come in and I have to smile and help them along...her humor and love. Buddha Girl is with me when I have to deal or hang out with in-laws, her humor and compassion and colorful expression of family is with me. You have all influenced my life in such a positive way and I am thankful for every one of you.

The weight loss has affected me big time. I don't know why losing 90 pounds would make so cocky now. My mouth. I have this new courage and my mouth now says what I am thinking. Even to my boss at work. You should have heard me Friday. It's like I got more confidence now. The whole thing is people treat me differently now. Men are nicer. Some women meaner. What the fuck is that all about? These are people I know.

I had paged the nursing supervisor three times over head and she didn't answer one of my pages...because of that we had a huge problem with a patient. Later when I caught her at the desk I confronted her. Why didn't you answer my pages? I paged you three times. She acted all surprised, you did? She looks at her pager. Ya I did and it was over head, so you can't hear now? She really didn't like me confronting her at the desk in front of the RNs. I would have never done this but my patient is the one who suffered because she ignored my pages. I will not have a paying patient suffer because a supervisor is lacking. I really become a warrior when it's a cancer patient in hospice and they want their morphine and you call for it and no one comes. I time it. I ring for the nurse, if they don't answer in sixty seconds I ring again and again and if no one answers I call the supervisor. You see how it works. And if she doesn't answer then we have a problem with someone in anxiety and pain and dying. Not acceptable under any circumstances! I don't get these patients often but when I do I am a warrior. This patient ended up squeezing my fingers for forty five minutes waiting for morphine. Sorry I'm getting pissed off writing about it. There is no excuse for it. None. This little old lady had lung cancer. She had no family but because she had no family she got no service, no one to check on her. Yet they charge her insurance to the roof for hospice. It sucks. I see it all the time. No living will, no family and the hospital takes charge of your life and they do what they want. Get a living will I can't express that enough. Get a living will and in it lay out the care you want.

Sorry I didn't mean to go off on a tangent. Just get a living will and lay out in simple terms exactly what you want for care and pain management and burial. This simple document will give you great comfort. Because I have seen it over and over again, "Do they have a living will?" First question they ask and if you don't you're screwed. And yes, I do have one on record with the hospital I go to.

Okay I will get off that subject. I had a great weekend. I had a friend and her little boy spend the weekend. We had a great time visiting. She's got it bad at home. I won't go into detail but her and her son needed a break and I love the company and Bruce loves to cook for anyone who likes to eat. So a good time was had by all. Then on Sunday we went to the flea market. I love going to the flea market. I scored and got a Levi's jean jacket for five bucks. I needed it to go with my new hat. I did the feathers on my hat. I love my hat. I'm balding so a hat was the answer. My doctor said my hair will come back it's just falling out from malnutrition. Until it comes back the hat is staying.

Cheryl and Shane...

Shane in Bruce's boat. We are going to take him fishing soon.

Me in my hat.

Shane. What a cute kid!

Bruce and I at adopted daughter's wedding.

Me and my adopted daughter Toni and Bruce. It was Toni's wedding.

My life is going really good right now. Just a few minor things with Bruce and his eating habits. I am working on it and he is rebelling. I told him if he can't keep up with me I may have to trade him in for a younger one, he didn't like that too much. I guess I wouldn't like it either if it were reversed. I just feel so darn good and I want him to feel good and taking off a few pounds would do that for him. Ok, ok I will stop.

Breast Cancer

I was doing OK. Better then OK, I was doing really, really good. One year out. Cancer free.

Then I got this phone call from my sister in Minnesota. Her oldest daughter, my niece, MaryAnn was diagnosed five years ago with Breast cancer. She had bi-lateral mastectomies with chemo and radiation. She is five years out and the cancer has metastasized to her liver. Four or five months is what she has left of her life.

I was told after five years you are considered free and clear. Wrong.

I am sad for MaryAnn. She can't stop crying. She is my age. We went on a blind date together once and it was very funny. We were fifteen going on twenty five.Breast cancer sucks.

I really need to find a lighter side to this. Going out to clear the webs of sadness out of my head. Fresh air and sunshine and good music here I come.

Thats two people...Candy and MaryAnn...

How many do you know?

Breast Cancer I am going to beat you right down, you will not take me , is my fucking attitude today. I am determined!

I am back to work full time. I was gone from work for seven months and in that seven months nothing has changed at work...nothing. Still rude nurses and poor service.

I was surprised yesterday by the reaction I had when my 85 year old patient died on me. I was on the med floor and was assigned a very difficult room with two old ladies who suffered dementia. I was putting the restraining mittens on her and she just quit moving...died. She had a red band on that states DNR. I just thought, thank god she died. Really, who wants to live like that? She didn't even know her own name. I had been with her all week and last week to. Watching the Doctors drain her bank account with worthless medical test. Her family hadn't been to visit her once while I was with her the last two weeks...I was happy she was gone.

My supervisor comes in and it's normal procedure to ask one how they are when you are with somebody who dies suddenly on you. I told her I was fine and I actually had prayed for her to die.

Bruce and I have a pact. When and if I do reach the ripe old age of 85, if I am out of my head and in outer space to shoot me. He promised me he would. I would not want to live like that ever.

I hate exercise. I absolutely hate it. I do it anyway. I know it is helping me. I am jogging now. I never thought I would be a jogger. For one, my boobs were always too big and in the way. Now I have these nice smaller ones and they don't get in my way. I am finding I like to run. I like to jog. It gets out all my anxiety and crap. There is something about it that just makes me feel better mentally and physically. So I am going to leave you and go out and jog in the sunshine with my favorite music playing in my ears and think about how blessed I am to be able to even do it.

I love you guys, my blogging family. I really do love you and I have good thoughts, energy when I think about you while I jog. Leo, JackieSue, all of you. Be well and take care.

This photo was taken ten months ago. I was shocked to see how unhealthy I look.

Bruce took this of me yesterday...I have come a long way baby!

Mother-In-Law

Yesterday I spent the day with my mother-in-law. She needed me. You see she had a torn rotater cuff. She had surgery on February 13, 2009 to get it fixed. If you've been with me a while you know my mother-in-law. She is a strong, opinionated pushy woman. Never been down a day in her life. So for her to ask for help she had to be hurting.

And after my experience in Minnesota as a mother-in-law, and I did tell my daughter-in-law that someday this would come full circle because it always does and you have those enlightening moments of uh hu so this is how she felt, keeping that always in the back of my mind I was ready to go and give this wonderful lady all my help and to do it with a smile and happiness in my heart.

So yesterday I was keeping in mind to be a good daughter-in-law, respectful of my mother-in-law and all her years of wisdom and knowledge. Smile, be pleasant and very, very helpful.

And as I am on my hand and knees scrubbing her kitchen floor, and I mean scrubbing it, and this is only after I swept it twice and vacuumed it once...now I am washing it with spic and span for all I am worth and she is standing over me telling me I am not doing it right...

I need to spray it with this green cleaner to get the yellow out, the yellow that has been there for the last 50 fucking years and would take dynamite to get it out. But I just smile and say yes mom I will spray it and let it soak and breath in all these great fumes. So I spray it and I let it soak and poor Bruce is cleaning her bathroom so during the kitchen soaking stage she goes to supervise his cleaning of her bathroom. I hear from the bathroom, "Get the corners really good." This made me chuckle.

I took the opportunity while she was helping Bruce to finish the kitchen floor and put the furniture back and to pull the shade down so you couldn't see the yellow that would not come out. I was standing by the door and she walks in. "You see I told you the yellow would come out." Yes mom, you did. Bruce is standing behind her laughing.

I love this family. I really love my mother-in-law. She loves me. She would give me the shirt off her back if I needed it. You just smile and remember what is important...family. Someday she won't be here and I am really going to miss her. She is Bruce's mom. She raised him and he is basically a good man, a good husband.

Someday I am going to tell you about the day I had to help her get dressed and I had to help her put her panty hose on...now that was a funny day. And Bruce owes me big for that day.

Mom and her new great grand son Cole.

My sister Lee called me and she's found God again. Lee has spent her whole life trying to find God. She has dragged me to all kinds of church services through all kinds of faiths. Jewish was her last one, but now on Oprah she found a new one she is researching. She was so excited, I could hear it in her voice. "I found God."

Then she says to me we have to be responsible for each other. We should do something as a society to help people out. I just was quiet on the other end of the phone. I was shaking my head and just let her go on and on about people taking responsibility helping each other out...then I lost it. Hello Lee do you know who you are talking to? Do you know what I do for a living? Do you know what I have been doing my whole life? Do you know anything about me at all? My whole life I have been a care taker of others. My whole life has been in service to others. Child care, foster care mother, TBI councilor, baby sitter to you and your kids, now at the hospital I work at. Do not preach to me about taking care of others. Get out of your garage (her place of business, redoing furniture) and take care of others if you need to...to find God.

Lee & Me. Sisters who love and argue all the time. Someday I will tell you about the time she through me out of her house out on to the cold side walk of winter...we made up the next week.



I told her to have a great day and I smiled and hung up.

Sorry about the run on sentences...

Been Gone A While

I've been gone a while. Missing in action. I feel like I am not worthy most of the time anyway because I neglect my friends here. I really don't mean to and it makes me feel bad. I am sorry. You all have been with me through so much, the good times and the hard times. I thank you. I love you. It's just that simple.

I've been home for almost 3 weeks. My daughter Boo has been with me the last week. She left this morning and she cried so hard. She has left several times from visits with me and never cried. This one was different. She is growing tired of good-byes. She wants to make a permanent home with no more good-byes. She is headed to Minnesota. I told her to stay put when she gets there. Make a home and I will come visit. Her friend Jason bumped a shelf and my little Native girl spirit guide fell and her wings broke off. Boo started crying harder and said that was a bad sign. "Oh no your spirit guide is broken." I made lite of it and said ya, but look at her face she is still smiling and I got the super glue out and Jason glued her wings on and you couldn't even tell she was broken. So it was good. I then gave her a hawk wing I had dried and said the Hawks will take care of her and I smudged her with sage smoke and we prayed for her safe journey. I am going to miss her something crazy. Of my children she holds me in her arms and loves me, really loves me as I am, imperfect and human. She respects my life and my knowledge. She truly loves me. She excepts me for me and there is no wall between us or conditions. It is a true mother, and child connection.

Awww damn I am so freakin emotional. My niece Terra told my daughter Amy..."you know how your mother is, those artist types are always emotional. I need to go have a good cry, get it out of my system. I am gonna miss that baby girl of mine something firece.

Candy McLeod

My sister, my friend, Candy Mcleod died early this morning.

I went for a 4 mile walk today in her honor. She walked with me in spirit.

Saturday I am flying home. Saturday is my one year anniversary of being cancer free.

Love & Family

"I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right"

~~Bob Dylan~~

That's the song going through my head. My precious time was still precious because I was spending most of it with my beautiful grand-daughter Piper who was innocent in all that has happened. I will never regret the time and hours I have shared with her. Her beautiful drools smile. Her laughter. Her love. I had to suffer some but what a pay off, time with this beautiful baby. We bonded. We have a heart connection. I love her and she loves me. She will remember her granny.

I've made my amends with Trina. She is a very tough cookie. She had to be growing up and so she still is a fighter and scraper. I just wish she would learn to balance it out more. Grand-ma's are not people you need to be fighting with. Grand-ma's are good. Grand-ma's mean no harm.

I think now in the end of my visit she is learning that. She had to find day care for Piper for when I leave here on Saturday the 28th of February. Monday Piper will go to day care. Not a center but a family day care. Trina went for the visit on Saturday and she said it was not perfect and somethings bothered her and she realized the luxury of having someone at home taking care of the baby. That is as close as a thank you as I am going to get. I can live with it.

She is the mother of my grand-daughter and she is my son's wife. I am trying in all my wisdom not to burn any bridges behind me. We had a big confrontation about a lot of stuff. Mostly about how she invaded my privacy and got into all my password protected stuff and this blog. She didn't like what was posted here. She shouldn't have been snooping. It's my blog. It's where I come to bitch. She gave me stuff to bitch about... I ended up apologizing for some of the rude things I said and then I deleted them to keep the peace. As of this writing I never received an apology for the invasion of my privacy and my deleted password. Oh well.

Travis had his surgery last Friday and all was a success. That was my main reason for coming out here to make sure he got his surgery. I think he will have great success at his weight loss. He had lost 21 pounds on the two weeks of liquids before the surgery. He came home off diabetic meds! His blood sugars have been normal. Yeah for that!

Anyway thanks guys for hanging in there with me. I am flying out of here Saturday morning at 7:46am should touch down in Hartford, CT around 1:15pm.

Say a prayer for a good flight...

I love you guys!

Nose Dive & Other Stuff

Went for a walk last night with Trina. I hit a icy spot and I swear to god it was like a cartoon picture...my feet were going back and forth so fast and I was trying to catch my balance and I could feel myself falling forward and then it went in slow motion for me...all I could think of was save the new boobs. Do not land on the new boobs! Do not puncture the new boobs! They aren't even a year old and they are hardly used, so save the boobs! My arms shot out in front of me and absorbed the biggest part of the impact. I was laughing so hard when I hit the ground. Trina kept asking me are you OK? I could tell by the sound of her voice she was scared I had hurt myself but I told her if I had hurt myself I wouldn't be laughing this hard. I didn't even knock the wind out of my sails because I was laughing so hard.

Today my arms feel like I have been weight lifting. Muscles hurt. My back hurts and my left ribs hurt. But hey the boobs are intact and good! Damn I'm glad it was dark and no body saw me fall. when I told Bruce the story he said "save the ta ta's." great minds think a like. :)))

That was a day ago. I was watching Rocky and he got up and ran those stairs and I thought if Rocky can do it you can do it so get off your ass and go. Today it's minus 25 but I put on my long underwear, my ski mask, my big boots, my warm jacket with fur hood up and I went walking. I asked my son to come with but he said hell no it's too cold. Hello, you live in Minnesota, it's fucking cold here and you had better get used to it if you ever want to go out side. So this 55 year old woman went out and walked 3 miles. Coming home I walked right past their house and just kept walking...I was deep in thought when I looked up and realized I had walked right past their house. Maybe my subconscious was saying you really don't want to go back there do?, you just keep walking.

Mr. Bruce has booked a flight out for me. I am flying home April 2, 2009. It can't come soon enough. My son's surgery was approved and he is meeting with his surgeon on Monday and they will give him a surgery date. Sometime the end of February. Yeah baby! I informed them both I am leaving here on April 2, 2009. I was supposed to be here until May but cut it as short as I could.

Don't get me wrong I love my kids dearly. I raised them to be good human beings. Basically they are good...just not to me. Sad. It was a very rude awakening this trip. Those of you who have been reading me for a few years know the heartache I had at being torn in two. Always wanting to come home to Minnesota but not wanting to leave Bruce and his family. It took this trip and these months out here to show me you can never go home again. I have been here 3 months and my daughter Amy called me for the first time today. I have called her almost daily leaving messages. She has call ID so I know she knows it's me. This hurts. I can't even begin to say how it hurt me the way I was so unappreciated by my son and his lovely wife. My baby Boo calls me every three days and we get along so good. She is staying in Maine. She said to me "Mom you need to take care of you and if your not happy there you need to come back home." How can a mom have three kids and only be appreciated by one of them? They were all raised the same. I don't get it.

Any way I am counting down to April 2, 2009. It can't come soon enough. I will miss Piper and my sister Lee the most. They have been the kindest to me.

As of this writing I have gone from 235 pounds to 154 pounds. My blood pressure was 100/60, my blood sugar was 80...I am healthier, the numbers prove it. Yeah me!

Today

Crap I am feeling so emotional. I feel like I did right before I used to get my period. I haven't had a period in 2 years so why are my hormones running a muck and toying with my emotions?

This morning I wanted to kill, hurt and maim. This afternoon I want to hide in my cave and cry. Crap. Crap. Double crap. It's only Tuesday.

I got my primary care Doctor's orders in the mail the other day and I had a lab appointment at my son's doctor's office yesterday. I got there and the lab people couldn't make out the orders for metabolic make up. I explained that I had a Gastric by-pass and he wants to check out my nutrition and how my body is reacting to starving basically. Had I been home I would have had at least three doctor's appointments since my surgery to see how my body is doing. This is just blood work. The lab people then ask me what is my doctor's name? I say isn't it on the orders? How do you say it? Dr. Ro. RO (Row) She tells her assistant to punch it in and see if he is in the system...hello dumb ass he won't be in your system because as I have told you now three times I came from Massachusetts to help my son for a few months and I need some blood work done while I am here. The movie Fargo comes to mind eh!

It ends up I have to make a new appointment for Saturday so they can call Dr. Ro and ask him what he means by metabolic work up. Lab person assures me they will have it all figured out by Saturday. I'm not feeling so secure in their ability to understand anything.

The Weekend

The weekends are long here. I try to stay in the basement but there is no natural light. The windows have all been blocked with wood from the previous owners afraid of break ins. Trina and I tried to take some of the wood down but the guy used security screws. Those are screws you can screw in but can't screw back out.

The basement is fully finished with tile floors and a drop ceiling, if I could just get the wood off the windows to get some natural light it would be great.

Trina came home last Friday with a surprise for me. I came up the stairs and she said I have a present for you...she pulls out a really nice pair of size 14 jeans she got at Target. She grabs me and hugs me and tells me how sorry she is for the other morning. I was flabbergasted. The jeans fit perfect. Hey from a size 24 to a 14. All my clothes are too big for me so to get a size that actually fit was nice. I thanked her and as for the apology I accepted it. Hopefully we will get along better in the future.

My sister-in-law Candy is under Hospice care now. I had to find out from the hospital grapevine. A co-worker text me to say she was sorry about Candy and I had no idea what she was talking about, and she said about Candy in hospice. I thanked her for telling me and I called Bruce to ream his ass out for not telling me. He had good reasons, worried about me and how far away I am. I wrote Candy a letter telling her how much she means to me and how much I am going to miss her and that I will always remember her. I sent it e-mail so she would get it through her husband Brian right away. I just needed to say good bye.

Then when I was done I was talking myself into going for a walk outside. It is cold here. It is like the 17th day in a row for below zero weather. Then I thought about Candy. She is my Hero. I thought she would give anything to go for a walk so get off your lazy ass and take your walk. I walked 3 miles and I felt so good doing it. I just need to keep it up everyday. It's -30 here today and snowing but Bruce sent me my snow pants and I have the gear for cold weather outing now so no excuses...just do it.

The reason I am here and the only thing that matters right now, Piper is calling me...later dudes.

Minnesota

Sister Lee
Lee and grand-son Ben
Sliding...
Niece Chloe' and Dawn and below human Popsicles...Lee, Chloe', me and Carl

Taking care of Piper is why I came out here and the rest of stuff is just gravy.

I'm having a good time for the most part. I just spent 5 days in Duluth playing in the snow. The picture above was taken at the Warmer By The Lake festival. There was a storm coming in off of Lake Superior and the wind chill was -50. A good frozen time was had by all. I am the one in orange and the rest are my nieces.

I'm back in Minneapolis taking care of Piper and sometimes the days are very long. I'd forgotten what it was like to stay home and take care of a baby...Bless all the young moms out there.

This week-end will suck because I am stuck here. I wish I had a car and a job. I do have those things just not here. I guess I should just sit back and enjoy these months off before too long I will be complaining about work.

I have lost 65 pounds but right now hit a spot weight were I seem to be staying. My hair is falling out by the handfuls. You can lose 40 to 50 percent of your hair, no one told me that before the surgery. So I just pick it up and throw it in the garbage. O well, it's only hair and hopefully it will grow back.

I'm taking more vitamins and herbs then Heinz has pickles. Every 2 hours, three or four supplements. Extra B12, D, C and horsetail, garlic and some stuff I can't spell.

It's hard to get on line here because I have to use my son's computer which he is pretty touchy about. Don't do this, don't do that...

Just wanted to write a small blog and I have...