Thursday, April 16, 2009

Breast Cancer

I was doing OK. Better then OK, I was doing really, really good. One year out. Cancer free.

Then I got this phone call from my sister in Minnesota. Her oldest daughter, my niece, MaryAnn was diagnosed five years ago with Breast cancer. She had bi-lateral mastectomies with chemo and radiation. She is five years out and the cancer has metastasized to her liver. Four or five months is what she has left of her life.

I was told after five years you are considered free and clear. Wrong.

I am sad for MaryAnn. She can't stop crying. She is my age. We went on a blind date together once and it was very funny. We were fifteen going on twenty five.Breast cancer sucks.

I really need to find a lighter side to this. Going out to clear the webs of sadness out of my head. Fresh air and sunshine and good music here I come.

Thats two people...Candy and MaryAnn...

How many do you know?

Breast Cancer I am going to beat you right down, you will not take me , is my fucking attitude today. I am determined!

I am back to work full time. I was gone from work for seven months and in that seven months nothing has changed at work...nothing. Still rude nurses and poor service.

I was surprised yesterday by the reaction I had when my 85 year old patient died on me. I was on the med floor and was assigned a very difficult room with two old ladies who suffered dementia. I was putting the restraining mittens on her and she just quit moving...died. She had a red band on that states DNR. I just thought, thank god she died. Really, who wants to live like that? She didn't even know her own name. I had been with her all week and last week to. Watching the Doctors drain her bank account with worthless medical test. Her family hadn't been to visit her once while I was with her the last two weeks...I was happy she was gone.

My supervisor comes in and it's normal procedure to ask one how they are when you are with somebody who dies suddenly on you. I told her I was fine and I actually had prayed for her to die.

Bruce and I have a pact. When and if I do reach the ripe old age of 85, if I am out of my head and in outer space to shoot me. He promised me he would. I would not want to live like that ever.

I hate exercise. I absolutely hate it. I do it anyway. I know it is helping me. I am jogging now. I never thought I would be a jogger. For one, my boobs were always too big and in the way. Now I have these nice smaller ones and they don't get in my way. I am finding I like to run. I like to jog. It gets out all my anxiety and crap. There is something about it that just makes me feel better mentally and physically. So I am going to leave you and go out and jog in the sunshine with my favorite music playing in my ears and think about how blessed I am to be able to even do it.

I love you guys, my blogging family. I really do love you and I have good thoughts, energy when I think about you while I jog. Leo, JackieSue, all of you. Be well and take care.

This photo was taken ten months ago. I was shocked to see how unhealthy I look.

Bruce took this of me yesterday...I have come a long way baby!


sageweb said...

So sorry to hear the news of your niece..what an awful thing. You look amazing...I am so happy and proud for you.

Rainwolf said...

Cancer sucks period. Sorry about your niece. Sage is right, you do look amazing. Take care hon.

billy pilgrim said...

my buddy just had his melanoma return after a few years, it was like a kick in the gut when i heard.

i've instructed my kids to put me in a home with a tv in my room and a pet turtle.

they'll be getting lots of calls from me: "that fucking fillipina nurse ate my turtle!!"

tsduff said...

That is one hard bit of news to hear about your niece. I'm so sorry - and it must also be making you scared. On a lighter note - I really loved that you posted a before and after picture. I'm having such a hard time losing weight, and especially, exercising. I hate it too - but just at you go. You always inspire me with your honesty and doggedness. you go girlxoxoxo

buddha_girl said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your niece yet so proud to hear you flipping off cancer despite it rearing its ugly head in your life just when you think you've kicked its ass.

And the before and after pics? Holy Hotness, Batman! I love that you're jogging. I definitely don't jog but have come to love that pop of energy I get when I exercise. I'll be getting back into it once the surgeon clears my arse.

Continue taking care of YOU!!!

billy pilgrim said...

GREAT TURTLE RACE!!the turtles need your support!

texlahoma said...

Sorry about your niece.

When I saw the pic of you jogging, the theme song from Rocky popped into my head, looking good!

yellowdog granny said...

I'm such a putz, didn't see this when i was here the other day...
im so sorry to hear about your niece...goddess bless her..I will light candles and send up you my friend..
and the difference in the 2 pictures is so proud of you