Lighten Up, A Very Long Story...

I moved out here it seems a long forever time ago but it's only been 8 years. Minnesota to the East Coast.

In those eight years I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, asthma, and last but not least breast cancer, ductal carcinoma. Do you think my body is trying to tell me something? I was 47 and healthy when I moved out here. Now I'm 54 and very unhealthy. I had bi-lateral mastectomies with reconstruction. Now I am dealing with infections to the surgical wounds. Diabetes is interfering with my healing.

I gave up a lot to be here with Bruce. That is how much I love him. It reminds me of the Jesus Christ story somewhat. Jesus loved us so much he died for us, if you believe he did you will go to heaven. After being out here I better go somewhere nicer. I've earned it. I'm not Jesus. I'm not a martyr, I acknowledge what I gave up. I accepted my life with Bruce. It was is a good life. But I can only take so much before my temper flies off and today my friends that has happened.

This is going to be a very long story. A complicated story. Lots of colorful characters. so get a cup of coffee or a beverage a snack and settle in because I really need to unload.

When I met Bruce he said he hoped his family and friends would like me because the women he dated that didn't stay in his life was because of them not liking her. I did not understand this because my whole life had been spent with men that my family hated or didn't approve of. I always went for the bad boys, more excitement, more thrills. Bruce rode a motorcycle and had the bad boy look. Inside he was is the best man with the biggest heart. I guess that is what keeps me here. That and the fact that he was practically a virgin.

He was married for 23 years to a woman that was a twin to the Virgin Mary. She was a good Catholic girl in every sense of the word. Sex was not for pleasure. Bruce had never had a blow job, a hand job, or a couple of other things. This was wicked attraction for me, to be his first. You always remember your first. :)

Awww but soon secrets would come out and Sharon isn't the Virgin Mary after all.

This woman died. She died from complications from diabetes Type 1.

I did not measure up in any ones eyes to her.

I wrote a poem about it...

Locked Doors

I laced my shoes with loneliness
and walked
uncharted land,
loneliness don't come undone
with double knots.

Wondering purgatory, I met him
he was looking for a ghost
but couldn't find her.
So he offered to untie my shoes
while lynching my heart.

He told me he lost his
virginity in a cemetery,
he also told me
that he loved me
but I was second best.

His house is a mystery
of shadows and locked doors.
I am nowhere to be found,
he descends into the basement
looking, opening each door.

I am there
lost behind a locked door
in a card board box
unable to decipher
the silence and pain that holds me.

That leads me to Easter day. The day I was to meet his family and friends. The do or die day.

Brian & Candy loved me from the first handshake. They folded me into their arms and hugged me. Candy wanted me to sit by her and she told me of the cast and characters. I loved her from the beginning. That is all you will here about them in the rest of this story.

Sue Rood pronounced Rude has been Bruce's best friend since they were 5 years old. Sue is married to Bill. They were Bruce's and Sharon's best friends. Sharon was Bruce's 1st wife. Sue and Bill have two daughters, Tammy and Kim. Tammy is in her late 30's and still lives at home. Kim got married to Ken. They have two sons.

Bruce introduces me to Sue I hold out my hand and say glad to meet you. She totally blows me off and walks away and I'm standing there with my hand out, icicles is a warm word when it comes to the cold this woman gave out. She is the matriarch of her family so everyone in her family followed suit.

Enter Pat, Bruce sister. She is an outcast of her family. Seems years ago Pat was mad at all of them and wrote a dirty little letter telling all of their secrets or airing out their dirty laundry. I sure would have liked to read that letter. She told Sharon's secret of her abortion before her and Bruce were married. Virgin Sharon had quite a sin on her soul. She told of Sue's undying lust and love of Bruce. So that is why she hates me, it fell into place. Sue is in love with Bruce and has been for years.

Pat called me up after Easter and told me that Sue thought I was too crass for Bruce. Too CRASS, me, can you believe it? Fuck no, me either. :)

Forward a year later. Bruce has asked me to marry him and I have said yes. The first persons he wants to tell are Sue and Bill. Fuck. But I go with him to tell them the good news. He tells her and she stumbles back like shes going to faint. She grabs a kitchen chair sits down and cries. Why are you getting married so soon? We've been living together for a year, why not? But I say "Because I am pregnant." If she would have had a weapon I would be dead. I start to laugh, Bruce is laughing...Sue is crying.

Bruce has a motorcycle accident. A bad accident. I set up our living room like a hospital room and I take him home and I take care of him plus work 40 hours a week. Seems only then did I measure up to be accepted by them. And just barley.

So for years I have been doing my best to get along with this family the Roods.

Forward to this last year. Their daughter Kim divorced Ken. Their daughter Tammy took Ken as her lover and new boyfriend. Now Tammy and Ken live with Sue and Bill. They bought this big Colonial house with a cement pond. I ask you is that not crass? I would never date my sisters ex, never. Isn't there some kind of code or something? Anyway that is not the whole story. Turns out Kim doesn't want to be a mom anymore either and gives the two boys to Tammy and Ken. So now Tammy and Ken live with Sue and Bill and the two boys.

Forward to now. Kim is getting married on Friday the 4th of July. A big old white wedding. Her and Brian (new guy) are getting married at Sue and Bills house. Fireworks to follow, bring your suit swimming after. I wasn't worried about it, I wasn't going. Bruce's Mom wanted us to take her to Maine for the week-end.

Forward to this morning. Bruce calls me. Mom changed her mind. Hu? She wants to go to the wedding. Well fuck I don't. Bruce says to me "Lighten UP" Now I don't know if it was my mood or my tiredness from lack of sleep at night or if it was all the crap I've been dealing with this past month combined with lack of sleep but I was instantly enraged. I think I might lighten my load by 270 pounds and that is what I said to him.

Forward to now this moment... I am done. as of right now in this moment I am done trying to please Bruce and doing everything Bruce wants. I am done.