Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Raven

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; — vainly I had tried to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow — sorrow for the lost Lenore —
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me — filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
"'Tis some visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door —
Some late visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door; —
This it is, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you " — here I opened wide the door; —
Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore!"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" —
Merely this, and nothing more.

Then into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon I heard again a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore —
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
'Tis the wind and nothing more!"

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not an instant stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door —
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door —
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore —
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning — little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no sublunary being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door —
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered — not a feather then he fluttered —
Till I scarcely more than muttered "Other friends have flown before —
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

Wondering at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster so when Hope he would adjure —
Stern Despair returned, instead of the sweet Hope he dared adjure —
That sad answer, "Never — nevermore."

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore —
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Angels whose faint foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee — by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite — respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore;
Let me quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! — prophet still, if bird or devil! —
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted —
On this home by Horror haunted — tell me truly, I implore —
Is there — is there balm in Gilead? — tell me — tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil — prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us — by that God we both adore —
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting —
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! — quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted — nevermore!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Winter

I ain't got crap to say about nothing.

My Nun teachers from Catholic School would love my English writing skills. Sometimes I think I do it on purpose even though I'm 54 years old, that inner child that was beaten with a wooden ruler comes out and says things like ain't and fuck and such.

I am hating winter. It is dark when I get up and it's dark by 4:30 pm. It's too fucking cold out to go out. I hate winter. I hate winter in New England.

Although snuggling up to Mr Bruce is very nice. He's a fecking furnace. His body heat is the hottest I've ever encountered. It's great when I am freezing but when I am having a hot flash look out...

The picture above is my sister's cabin in the summer. I love it there. I hope to spend some time there this summer. It's a great place to relax! And the fishing is great!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Taken From My Journal

How does one get right with God? Do you confess all your sins and ask to be forgiven? I just don't know how to get right with God when I have some intense anger towards him. I get angry with my children but my love for them always win out. I have no love for God, so my anger is unresolved. Was my whole childhood a lie. The Catholic church taught me to have a personal relationship with God. My parents taught me the same. Now as an adult all I feel is turmoil with God.
My husband is the best!
I'm tired and I'm just beginning this fight. This battle that GOD has given me, what? You say it's not from GOD but from Satan who has control of all illnesses. Why does Satan have control of my life? I am a good person, so this makes no sense to me, this answer. I am so lost in all of this Christian theory.

I am thankful to Creator for my life.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

If It Aint One Thing It's Another!

Because I couldn't get a surgery date for a few weeks I had to take the third shift at work, the 11pm-7am shift. This wears me out. I ended up back at the doctors on Thursday and now have a diagnose of pleurisy.

I knew what it was right away so I put off talking to the Dr. I went to work did 2 shifts 11 to 7 am and Thursday I couldn't take the pain anymore and broke down and went to the Dr. He gave me some very strong pain pills. Pleurisy is viral and what it is... is the lining of your lung fills up with fluid and the added fluid pressure hurts every time you take a breath.

Ok, I've been up long enough, lungs feel like they are on fire, stabbing pain, took pain pill, feeling dreamy need to go back to bed. Night night.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Surgery

My surgical oncologist, Dr. Mason called me today. Right after I had left a comment at Billy's.

I have a surgery date, February 13, 2008 12:00 noon.

This second round of antibiotics worked and my biopsy sight is almost all healed with a nice size scar. The scar won't matter any how since both boobs are going to be gone and a bigger scar will be left. Happy Valentines day Mr. Bruce.

Three months to heal. What the fuck am I gonna do at home for three months? Depending on the extent of lymph nodes and if there is cancer there will depend on my arms working. In the neat breast cancer package all decorated in pink there is a book titled lymphedema care, hot packs and wrapping.

Mr.Bruce is taking the 13th, 14th & 15th off work to take care of me. He gets to empty out blood filled drains on Valentines day. What a lucky guy. Sorry there goes my sarcastic side.

I was just looking at the breast dictionary and looked up a word I saw all over one of my reports...hyperplasia: an abnormal increase in the number of cells in a specific area, such as the lining of the breast ducts or the lobules.

It's funny all the new words I am learning that I didn't know before. Like asymptomatic, not having any symptoms of a disease. Bilateral, both boobs.

What a way to learn...

Monday, January 7, 2008

Lethal Injection

"You have the right to die with dignity," said Joshi, a political science and religion major at New Jersey's Rutgers University. Sperling, a psychology and religion major at New York University, said serving a life prison term is the appropriate alternative to the death penalty.

The Kentucky inmates say there are problems with the three drugs that are administered in succession to knock out, paralyze and kill prisoners.

The argument against the three-drug protocol is that if the initial anesthetic does not take hold, a third drug that stops the heart can cause excruciating pain. But that pain would be masked by the second drug that paralyzes the prisoner and renders him unable to express his discomfort. (this sounds OK to me, let the killer feel a little terrified and some pain)

God forbid 'these' people should feel any pain. Although they may have skinned their victim alive or drilled holes in their victims skull and pour acid in the holes like Jeffery Dahmer did.

I'm all for going back to the 'old fashion' way, get a strong rope and hang'em from the tallest tree.


My New Babies

I got two new baby guinea pigs. They are brothers and I have named them Bert & Ernie. I am loving them. This one is Bert and below him is Ernie. They can live up to 8 years, the longest one on record is 14 years old. They can weigh up to 2 and 1/2 pounds. They do learn to recognize you and when they want your attention they whistle for you.


Friday, January 4, 2008

Radical Atheist

http://www.radicalatheist.com/ Check out this blog. I liked it.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Frustration

If you looked in the dictionary under the word frustration you find a picture of me crying.

I had a doctor appointment today at 11:00 am. I drove the Mass Pike full of massholes down to Springfield. I get to the doctor's I pull in the parking ramp. I go in circles until I find a place to park. I park. I go in and realize I've never been here before. This is all wrong. I call Bruce and he says you should be at 35...Maine. I'm not. I'm at my Plastic Surgeon's office. Fuck! Ok go back out get into car and try to drive out of ramp. I need a special token to get out of ramp. A token you get from the doctor's office. I'm at the wrong doctors so how am I going to get the special token to get out. Fuck. I stop on the first floor and I go back in. I try one doctors office they are closed, I try the next one down, open. I explain that I don't have a appointment and that I'm at the wrong doctors office and the nice lady gives me a special token so I will stop crying and can leave.

I take my special token and I finally leave the parking ramp. I drive over to 35..Maine, park and walk into part A building, don't see my doctor's name anywhere, so I go out and walk to part B building...still no names I recognize. Fuck. I call Bruce back are you sure it's 35..Maine? Yes. Fuck. I am having a stroke.

Then I remember I put my breast Dr. number in my phone because I thought it would be a good idea. I call her office and I explain all of the above...the voice at the other end of the phone thinks I am crazy. I can tell. She tells me you are at the wrong building. You should be at 34..Maine. I call Bruce back and swear at him, you're fucking wrong about the address.

I finally get there and I go to register and the lady says "Are you sure you have an appointment, I don't see you here?" FUCK! It's right here on this card and I show it to her. Oh yeah here you are.

The doc tels me my MRI results haven't come back yet and she is so sorry. When I had the MRI last Friday they told me the results would be at my doc's by Monday. Do we really need the results? "Yes, I want to see if your left breast has any ductal cancer and to check the lymph nodes. Can I at least get a surgery date? "We will call you with that."

I want to get back to my fucking life. I cannot make any plans for anything until you give me a date. "Yes, I know you want to get back to your life, and I will try my best to get my people to hook up with your plastic surgeons people so we can get a date." "We will call you."

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

When I get home I call Bruce back and I'm crying because I yelled at him and it wasn't his fault and I say I'm sorry and snot is running out of my nose and he says it's all right I love you. He says he loves me. I don't deserve it, that kind of love. The really good and kind love. He loves me and I am blessed to have him.