Wednesday, January 2, 2008


If you looked in the dictionary under the word frustration you find a picture of me crying.

I had a doctor appointment today at 11:00 am. I drove the Mass Pike full of massholes down to Springfield. I get to the doctor's I pull in the parking ramp. I go in circles until I find a place to park. I park. I go in and realize I've never been here before. This is all wrong. I call Bruce and he says you should be at 35...Maine. I'm not. I'm at my Plastic Surgeon's office. Fuck! Ok go back out get into car and try to drive out of ramp. I need a special token to get out of ramp. A token you get from the doctor's office. I'm at the wrong doctors so how am I going to get the special token to get out. Fuck. I stop on the first floor and I go back in. I try one doctors office they are closed, I try the next one down, open. I explain that I don't have a appointment and that I'm at the wrong doctors office and the nice lady gives me a special token so I will stop crying and can leave.

I take my special token and I finally leave the parking ramp. I drive over to 35..Maine, park and walk into part A building, don't see my doctor's name anywhere, so I go out and walk to part B building...still no names I recognize. Fuck. I call Bruce back are you sure it's 35..Maine? Yes. Fuck. I am having a stroke.

Then I remember I put my breast Dr. number in my phone because I thought it would be a good idea. I call her office and I explain all of the above...the voice at the other end of the phone thinks I am crazy. I can tell. She tells me you are at the wrong building. You should be at 34..Maine. I call Bruce back and swear at him, you're fucking wrong about the address.

I finally get there and I go to register and the lady says "Are you sure you have an appointment, I don't see you here?" FUCK! It's right here on this card and I show it to her. Oh yeah here you are.

The doc tels me my MRI results haven't come back yet and she is so sorry. When I had the MRI last Friday they told me the results would be at my doc's by Monday. Do we really need the results? "Yes, I want to see if your left breast has any ductal cancer and to check the lymph nodes. Can I at least get a surgery date? "We will call you with that."

I want to get back to my fucking life. I cannot make any plans for anything until you give me a date. "Yes, I know you want to get back to your life, and I will try my best to get my people to hook up with your plastic surgeons people so we can get a date." "We will call you."

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

When I get home I call Bruce back and I'm crying because I yelled at him and it wasn't his fault and I say I'm sorry and snot is running out of my nose and he says it's all right I love you. He says he loves me. I don't deserve it, that kind of love. The really good and kind love. He loves me and I am blessed to have him.


yellowdog granny said...

want me to call them and threaten a goddess bipping?'ll be ok honey..soon it will be a thing in your past that you over came..of that I am sure..

billy pilgrim said...

yer tougher than me, i wouldn't have got past that parking deal.

yer toughness and warrior spirit are worth their weight in gold right now.

Rocky (Racquel) said...

you poor baby! you are such a better person than I - I would have probably driven my car right through the friggin' gate!