Intimacy After Breast Cancer

Bruce and I were very sexual before breast cancer. We truly love one another. We averaged intimacy at least three to four times a week.

After the diagnose of breast cancer it went down to zero. So from February until now we have had no intimacy. Six months of no touching. I went on line to research this subject, to see if anyone felt the way I did. I felt I had lost more then my breasts. I lost my femininity. I feel so unattractive. I'm tired. I hurt. The scars. The infections. me me me me me.

But this didn't just happen to me. It happened to Bruce to. I didn't get his side of it. His take on it. After this week-end I have.

He's just so happy that I am alive and I will be around to go fishing with.

He always was trying to touch me and I would pull away. He was always trying to see me naked and I would cover up and get angry, don't look at me I am ugly. I felt if he saw me he would love me less because of the scars and no jiggle.

I was the one turning him away. Me.

So Saturday I didn't. I was scared. Fear doesn't cover it. Terrified does.

I didn't want the lights on. He did. We compromised on candles.

He touched my scars and he kissed them. I could not feel his touch or kisses because that whole area is numb to the touch. I could not feel him but I could see him, his face, the way he looked. He did not look repulsed by what he saw or touched. He looked like a man glad to be touching his wife again.

We connected slowly and painfully. We had to change some things, but change is good sometimes. He talked while he touched me, which he never did before. He was telling me how soft my skin was and how beautiful I am.

We are finding our way through this breast cancer. We are finding our way back to each other.

Let me just say this... when one thing goes another thing becomes more intense. Sortta like when you go blind and your hearing becomes more acute. Use your imagination...

We are going to be OK. Bruce and I. We healed somethings that needed to be healed.

This is the article that helped me...

If you ask 10 women who recently finished breast cancer treatment about their sex lives, odds are good that at least eight of them will respond, "What sex life?"

"This is a huge issue for our patients," says Mary McCabe, RN, director of the Cancer Survivorship program at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York. "It's an enormous unmet need. One of the things our patients told us they wanted most from a survivorship department was a sexual health program."

For a breast cancer patient, nothing can kill sexual desire faster than the daily nausea of chemotherapy, the vaginal dryness of premature menopause, and the ongoing fatigue associated with just about every stage of breast cancer treatment. It takes longer to get aroused, and when you do, sex can be painful. You may not like being touched in the same way that you did before. Your affected breast may be too sensitive to touch, or if you've had a mastectomy, a reconstructed breast won't feel your partner's caresses at all.

"Frequently, sexual activity stops upon diagnosis," says oncologist Marisa Weiss, MD, founder of Breastcancer.org and the author of Living Beyond Breast Cancer. "Fear and uncertainty are huge drains on your libido. And then your body goes through all these changes at the same time, and women believe that they're less attractive and assume that their partner's not interested."

The good news: you'll get your groove back. It just takes time -- and some creative thinking. In two studies presented at the American Society for Clinical Oncology meeting in the summer of 2004, women reported that the sexual side effects of breast cancer diagnosis and treatment were mostly temporary. One study found that women's sexual function declined over six months of post-surgical treatment (chemotherapy, tamoxifen, or both). But six months later, the same women were as satisfied with their sex lives as they had been before the study started.

Now, six months is a long time to be unhappy with the level of intimacy in your life, and there's no reason that you should be. Your sex life after breast cancer may be very different than it was before, but that doesn't mean it can't be just as good.

The first step: communication. "You can't assume that what's in your head is in your partner's head," says Weiss. "Most of the time, the partner finds you just as attractive as they did before, and they want you just as much." Talk candidly with your partner about how you're feeling. You may find that if he's been reluctant to initiate sex, it's not because of a lack of desire, but because he's afraid you might not be ready and he doesn't want to push you.

Getting used to sex after breast cancer also means getting used to your new body. One book that might help is Show Me: A Photo Collection of Breast Cancer Survivors' Lumpectomies, Mastectomies, Breast Reconstructions, and Thoughts on Body Image. Now in its second edition, the book features images of more than 30 cancer survivors from support groups at Penn State Hershey Medical Center. The women's smiling, beautiful photos, and their thoughts about body image, may help you adjust to the new you that you see in the mirror.

But if you don't feel ready to be fierce and sexy about your new body just yet, there's nothing wrong with wearing a little lingerie to bed if it will help you feel more attractive and more in the mood.