Those of you have been reading me for three years or more will remember when I wrote about my sister-in-law Candy. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over two years ago. She had radiation, then bilateral mastectomies followed by six months of Chemo. She was stage three when diagnosed. She's been cancer free for a year.
She was at work last week and was having trouble with her left side not working, brain telling hand to do one thing and hand doing another.
She went to the ED and they took x-rays. Today she was told by radiologist that there were masses starting at the base of the back of her head all the way down her spine. Cancer has returned with a vengeance.
She is going to start Chemo today.
Today I want to go home to Minnesota. I miss my family so much. I need to go home. I need to find faith, goodness, something bigger then myself. My sister Lee believes in God, I wish I could find that kind of faith, I wish I could believe in something, someone bigger who is good and helping and loving. Is that God? Why do some families get shit on day after day? I want to ask God that.
Candy must have known because last family get together she gave me her gold ring with diamonds and dark blue sapphires and she said I want to give this to you while I'm alive and can see you wear it smiling. I can't lose her. She is my sister, my friend. She works with me and she is my biggest supporter at work. I just can't do this again, I can't lose someone I love again. I can't watch her die. I can't abandon her. I am just so fucking messed up with God and life right now. I want to crawl into a hole. I haven't stopped crying since Monday. How many tears can one person cry? What is this doing to my own health? How much stress before I just never get out of bed again.
After three days of begging my doctor to give me my no restrictions release to go back to work she finally gave in yesterday and wrote me one. she said it was against her better judgment but could see how emotional I was about needing going back to work. Candy won't be there. Work is going to be hell without her there. She is my biggest fan at work, she won't let anyone say anything bad about me.
I don't know when I will be back here. I just can't do it anymore.
11 comments:
I am so sorry to hear this. It is so horrible to watch someone that you love suffer.. to feel helpless in the face of it.
You have just gone through a terribly difficult time yourself.. and all I can think of to say is..
I am so sorry..
((you))
Oh hell....I'm sorry hon. I'll keep her in my thoughts as well.
I have no words of insight. Just know that you and Candy are on the receiving end of warmth, strength, and faith from Virginia.
Check your email. There's something waiting there for you from me.
How I wish I could send you words of comfort. I used to be one of the folks who had faith like a rock. It helped me deal with the death of my sister, my Mother, and my husband within the span of 2 years. Then tragedy struck a dear friend of ours, with the deaths of his Mother and his Daughter, 2 days apart. Since then, I've hosted a growing bitterness toward God, whom I used to trust so implicitly. My heart has turned into an unredeemable lump of hardness - and I just walk on trying not to think about it. I still talk to God occasionally but I have no faith that He even exists anymore.
So for you I can only honestly send my heartfelt sympathy, and hope that you find strength in comforting Candy. Hugs.
maybe there is nothing bigger than yourself.
if there is a god, he's a mean prick.
or maybe a miserable little shit behind a curtain like in the wizard of oz.
keep strong.
im at a loss for words...and for me..that's going some..
I don't know if there is a god or a goddess, i do know that prayer is sending good thoughts and hope out into the world...and it comes from those of us who love you and wish you nothing but good health and a long life..take our love and prayers and hold them to your heart and let them heal you...love you my friend..
Dearest, I do belive there is a God, something greater than ourselves who loves us. I don't know who or what God is, but I do honestly belive that it's ok to get angry at God, yell, curse, run away, ignore, for as long as it takes. God is always waiting for us. Sometimes God is in a buttercup. Or in the eyelash of a horse. Or your family and online friends.
We are here for you and love you. I will also add my prayers for Candy.
Wear the ring and smile.
That sucks about Candy. Is there a way that you can go to Minnesota?
Maybe you should, at least for a while.
Jebus, Nance. I'll give you a call next weekend if'n you're going to be home.
Sorry to hear this...my thoughts are with you.
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