Those of you have been reading me for three years or more will remember when I wrote about my sister-in-law Candy. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over two years ago. She had radiation, then bilateral mastectomies followed by six months of Chemo. She was stage three when diagnosed. She's been cancer free for a year.
She was at work last week and was having trouble with her left side not working, brain telling hand to do one thing and hand doing another.
She went to the ED and they took x-rays. Today she was told by radiologist that there were masses starting at the base of the back of her head all the way down her spine. Cancer has returned with a vengeance.
She is going to start Chemo today.
Today I want to go home to Minnesota. I miss my family so much. I need to go home. I need to find faith, goodness, something bigger then myself. My sister Lee believes in God, I wish I could find that kind of faith, I wish I could believe in something, someone bigger who is good and helping and loving. Is that God? Why do some families get shit on day after day? I want to ask God that.
Candy must have known because last family get together she gave me her gold ring with diamonds and dark blue sapphires and she said I want to give this to you while I'm alive and can see you wear it smiling. I can't lose her. She is my sister, my friend. She works with me and she is my biggest supporter at work. I just can't do this again, I can't lose someone I love again. I can't watch her die. I can't abandon her. I am just so fucking messed up with God and life right now. I want to crawl into a hole. I haven't stopped crying since Monday. How many tears can one person cry? What is this doing to my own health? How much stress before I just never get out of bed again.
After three days of begging my doctor to give me my no restrictions release to go back to work she finally gave in yesterday and wrote me one. she said it was against her better judgment but could see how emotional I was about needing going back to work. Candy won't be there. Work is going to be hell without her there. She is my biggest fan at work, she won't let anyone say anything bad about me.
I don't know when I will be back here. I just can't do it anymore.