These Are My Relatives

When my oldest daughter Ricki Joy was dying from cancer, we were in the town of Mankato, Minnesota. Mankato is on the Southern border of Minnesota. The Minister of that hospital asked me if I would like a Minister of one of the churches to come and pray and give last rights. I said no. We are Native American. If you can find a Holy Man or Medicine Man that would be good. That Minister got the Holy Man from Pine Ridge Reservation to drive from the Dakota's to Mankato to Saint Joesph's Hospital.

I remember how calm he made us feel and there was such a peacefulness as we placed sage in the 4 corners of her hospital room. We hung medicine bags from her bed. We made over a hundred prayer ties of colors of the 4 great Nations of man. We filled the prayer ties with tobacco and then they were placed around Ricki Joy. We held hands and he started to pray. It was beautiful. Her death was beautiful. She gave up peacefully and before her last breath she looked at me. I was standing at the right side of her head, with my hand on her bald head and she mouthed the words "I love you." And she died.

Some parents never even get to say good-bye. This war, these children fighting it, some of them never get to say good-bye or I love you one last time. I was truly blessed that I could in a beautiful way.

I've added Ricki's Page to the side bar. It is a page I created in her memory.

With that I leave you this video of Pine Ridge...

Cherokee Morning Song...Beautiful!

I Have A Surgery Date!

Stage 1: The first stage involves placement of tissue expanders. This can either be done at the time of the mastectomy (for immediate reconstruction patients) or after the mastectomy has healed (for delayed reconstruction patients). Expanders are essentially temporary implants that act as spacers. Breast reconstruction with implants or tissue expanders, in our practice, is generally reserved for patients who do not have adequate tissue for a flap reconstruction, or do not wish to use their own tissue for reconstruction.

Stage 2: The expanders are filled as much as possible at the time of the initial surgery. Further expansion is performed in the office as required once the incisions have healed. This expansion process can require several weeks, depending on the amount of expansion required by the patient to reach the optimal breast size.

Stage 3: Once the tissue expanders are adequately filled they are exchanged for permanent breast implants. Two types of breast implants are available to patients: Saline and Silicone. It is advised that you speak with your plastic surgeon as to which implant would be best for you. Patients who undergo breast reconstruction with implants should be aware that their implants may need to be replaced at a future date.

June 4th, 2008 is my surgery date for this final step. I chose silicone implants because of my diagnoses of ductal carcinoma. With the silicone implants you get the benefit of a yearly MRI. This will also show if the cancer has come back anywhere. With the saline ones the Insurance won't pay for the yearly MRI, they will pay with the silicone ones. Dr. Melissa Goddess told me the silicone ones look much more natural and feel softer to. So I got that going for me. I am so excited I can't wait to be done with all of this and to get back to my life.



Here is a photo of a woman who has had reconstruction surgery after bilateral mastectomies. She chose silicone. I think they look pretty damn good. I wish I could show you my sister Lee's but I promised her I wouldn't.

Bosom Swell I have Swell

This post is a goof on me. I'm teetering back and forth today with emotions and so with trying to stay happy I took these photo's of my swell to lighten my mood. Bosom Swell or My Bear Never Looked So Good...My feathers used to droop now they have the nice curve up turn. hehehehe

My Boob News & JackieSue

I haven't cried in 4 days. Count them 1, 2, 3, 4. I really believe all the prayers, happy thoughts and general good feelings people have sent for me are working. I went to the doctor's this morning and I have lost 20 pounds. She gave me my final fill. 100 ccs in each boob. I am now a C+ to a D cup. Then she gave me some freaking great news! She said how soon do you want this to be over with? I said don't I have to wait 3 months. She said no. I thought I did. She said yeah, 3 months after your bilateral mastectomy surgery. She said lets think about the final surgery scheduling it for the last week in May. I said with the biggest shit eating grin you mean my boobs will be done. She said yes. It's a day surgery. I go in, she takes out the expanders and the implants, puts in the silicone implants and she said I will do a little lipo suction here and nip and tuck here and the nipples here and wallah Pam Anderson boobs! Thank you Goddess Dr. Melissa!

I can't wait for Bruce to get home from work. Wait till he see these puppies after today's fill.

Then I am pulling into my driveway feeling pretty damn good and my phone rings. It's my baby Boo. Mom she says I was going to surprise you with this in September for your birthday but I will tell you now...I am moving out there. Me and Jason are moving to Maine. She will be only 3 hours away from me. My baby girl will only be 3 hours away from me. I will finally have family by me. I just can't believe things are looking so good for me right now. I am so happy today that I called Bruce and said it's a guarded happiness, after the last couple of years I've become more pessimistic and I'm waiting for that dooms day cloud to appear and ruin it. But I have to be strong and push those negative thoughts out of my head and just let the goodness come and be so thankful for it. Yeah today is my day to be happy and I just want to enjoy it!

JackieSue, Willie is on his way. He should be there by Wed. I sent you 2 willie paintings. And I found a taste of Texas this weekend...

Bruce and I were riding around yesterday and we found this little hole in the wall eating place. Here are the 2 photo's we took of the place. OMG! The food, I had a Buffalo wrap, it weighed in at 1 and 1/2 pounds. Then I had two fried Oreo cookies with whip cream I tell you it was to die for. The best food I've had in years. Bruce had the fried Twinkie, he took a bite and his eyes rolled back in his head and this sound came out of him and then this smile came over his face like he had died and gone to Hooters heaven.

In closing I want to thank you all once again for the candle lightings and the prayers and happy thoughts, they have reached me and surround me with such peacefulness and joy. Thank you.

Jimmy Buffet : Your An Asshole, dedicated to work!

~~~A man can be defeated , but never destroyed .~~

Ernest Hemmingway

One Little, Two Little, Three Little Indian Braides...

So I have decided to get off my crying depressed ass and to live again with passion and fury. This is my way of not crossing the line at work but having my moccasin on it. I was talking to a friend and I was telling them that every time worked pissed me off I was going to put a dread lock in my hair. She replied "You can't do that you're an Indian, Indian do Braides.

Like I said before if you've been reading me a while...a while back maybe 5 years ago I posted a blog about dread locks. Well one way is braiding. After you braid your hair it takes about a year and it will form into a dread lock. Just leave it alone. Never take it out, wash your hair every two days...

So here is my first braid...it's a start. My way of saying fuck you and your bad treatment of me to work. In a years time I wonder how many braids I will have?I also have a problem with their dress code. I've been wearing blue jeans to work for 5 years, I was told yesterday the next time I wear blue jeans to work security will escort me to the front doors, they didn't say anything about black jeans...

And the war wages on hear my Indian war cry!

Deciding To Be Happy

I had a long talk with my son Travis last night. He is the child that is most like me of all my children. Depression can take such a toll on your life. It can ruin your health. We talked about this...my depression.

I woke up today and that I decided was a good thing. All the crap with work is just that crap. It ain't my life. It's just something I do so I can afford to do the things that make me happy. Painting and day trips to little artsy New England towns.

And Trina my daughter-in-law posted this new picture and this picture turned my attitude and my sadness into joy. This picture to me is the most beautiful picture in the world. I may have to do a painting of it. It made me laugh and it made me cry...this time they were tears of joy.


Peace, love and baby...This picture touched my heart in a very big way. It brought me such love. A new baby girl. Awww Trina I love you so much, thank you.

Thank you everyone for your time and your thoughts and for just touching a crazy old ladies heart. Thank you.

Bruce is going to cash in his vacation days for money and he is flying me home in August for two weeks.

As for everything else I have to take it one day at a time but for today I am deciding to be happy in this wondrous moment that this picture has brought me.

I look at this picture and all I can think to say is thank you Creator for this beautiful blessing.

My Sister-in-law Candy

Those of you have been reading me for three years or more will remember when I wrote about my sister-in-law Candy. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over two years ago. She had radiation, then bilateral mastectomies followed by six months of Chemo. She was stage three when diagnosed. She's been cancer free for a year.

She was at work last week and was having trouble with her left side not working, brain telling hand to do one thing and hand doing another.

She went to the ED and they took x-rays. Today she was told by radiologist that there were masses starting at the base of the back of her head all the way down her spine. Cancer has returned with a vengeance.

She is going to start Chemo today.

Today I want to go home to Minnesota. I miss my family so much. I need to go home. I need to find faith, goodness, something bigger then myself. My sister Lee believes in God, I wish I could find that kind of faith, I wish I could believe in something, someone bigger who is good and helping and loving. Is that God? Why do some families get shit on day after day? I want to ask God that.

Candy must have known because last family get together she gave me her gold ring with diamonds and dark blue sapphires and she said I want to give this to you while I'm alive and can see you wear it smiling. I can't lose her. She is my sister, my friend. She works with me and she is my biggest supporter at work. I just can't do this again, I can't lose someone I love again. I can't watch her die. I can't abandon her. I am just so fucking messed up with God and life right now. I want to crawl into a hole. I haven't stopped crying since Monday. How many tears can one person cry? What is this doing to my own health? How much stress before I just never get out of bed again.

After three days of begging my doctor to give me my no restrictions release to go back to work she finally gave in yesterday and wrote me one. she said it was against her better judgment but could see how emotional I was about needing going back to work. Candy won't be there. Work is going to be hell without her there. She is my biggest fan at work, she won't let anyone say anything bad about me.

I don't know when I will be back here. I just can't do it anymore.

Fuck Work

I went to the doctors yesterday and got another fill. 100 cc on each side. So my chest just feels very tight and uncomfortable. Doesn't hurt...just very uncomfortable.

I got a my doctor’s release to go back to work with some restrictions. Restrictions were no precautions rooms, no double patient rooms. She stated I could work in the ED and single patient rooms.

Work called today and told me to stay home. Until I get a full release with no restrictions I cannot go back to work. My reconstruction surgery could take up to a full year.

I can’t look for another job without full disclosure of what my health issues are. And with said who the fuck will hire me under those conditions?

I talked to Terry Spencer today and I asked her this, if all this bullshit with human resources is true and they follow all the rules, then how come after our "big meeting" and Paula’s warning of where we are stationed we are to stay, no trading for any reason...why then on February 5th on the 11:00pm - 7:00am shift I was assigned the ED and Gloria was assigned South 2 was I made to trade with her? Gloria said she had health issues and could not physically take care of the patient in South 2. I said to Gloria "you are being paid the same wages as me to do the same job as me, if you can’t do the job you should go home." She replied "I have health issues!" So I asked Terry Spencer why is Gloria still working? How come she doesn't have a doctors release stating full release, how come she is still working? She did not have an answer for me but assured me she would send out an e-mail to all supervisors stating CA’s once they are assigned, cannot be made to trade for health reason’s.

Also why did I work 3 days last week before they decided this week to let me go?

You know what I say after 5 years of service to that hospital...

yeah right, the rules change hour by hour, shift by shift, supervisor by supervisor...I told Terry Spencer that every supervisor has their pet and the rules don't apply to them. I'm nobodies pet and I'm not a fucking brown noser so I'm up shit creek without a paddle and a hole in my canoe.

I called my Doctor and asked her to give me a full release...she probably won't and so here I sit...depressed and pissed waiting for a phone call back deciding my life.

Professional Singer

Today at work I got to take care of a professional singer. She plays a baby grand piano when she sings.

She's going through heroine detox.

I asked her to please, please sing me a song. She asked me what do you want to hear? I know over 200 hundred songs. I being a child of the 60's asked her to sing Me & Bobby McGee. She belted that song out and all the RN's and workers on the floor filled that room up listening to her beautiful voice. I cried.

This lady I will call Jayne is 50 years old but looks 30. She has the most beautiful long red hair.

When the room cleared her and I had a talk. You gonna stay clean once you get out? You don't understand in the line of work I am in it's so hard to stay clean. And I am so sad. I've lost 53 people since the age of 22. I ask her who were these people? Some family, but mostly friends.

I have never done this to a patient because it is against hospital policy to tell patients, detox people anything about your life. But I just felt so different with Jayne. I asked her do you know how many people I've lost? No, how many? Just in my family alone, both parents, 3 brothers and my oldest sister and my oldest daughter...and just recently my breasts. I'm not in your line of work but if Creator had given me a gift to sing like you do I know I would not waste it. And we talked about all the things she could do to change her life and still let her be the singer she is. She asked me for my phone number and that also is a big no no.

I went against all the rules today. It just felt like the right thing to do. When I left her I hugged her, also a no no. I told her to be strong and to be healthy. This is a fresh start for her to take it and run with it.

God I hope she makes it, with all my heart I hope she makes it.

Now I am off to up state New York with my husband to visit some of his family.

Have a great week-end everyone and say a little prayer for Jayne ...every little bit helps, look what it did for me.

Work

Yeah, work was good. I get there go to supervising nurse where do you want me? She said room 320. Room 320 has TB. I said no. She said what do you mean no? I said when I came in on Sunday and signed up for work I explained to not one, but two supervising nurses because of my surgery and my re-constructive surgery...she interrupts me. What do you mean you had cancer and had surgery? I laugh and say Katherine I've been out for 5 weeks. OMG, I didn't know. I am so sorry and hugs me. So I go through the whole thing about being in rooms with precautions, were you have to gown up and gloves and mask and glasses and that sort of thing. Because my immune system is compromised. Also can't be in rooms were the detox patient is going through the worst of it and by that I mean the hallucinations and fighting. Can't afford a blow to the chest area. Some of the guys we get are 300 pounds and 6' 6" tall, right now a patient like that would pummel me. So I got the ED Crisis. Emergency Dept.

Everyone loves getting the ED. The ED is the best place to work in crisis.

I also am celebrating my 5 year anniversary there. As a gift from the hospital I'm getting a ring with 5 blue topaz stones, one for every year. And they are having a dinner on May 5th to honor a bunch of us for different things. I hope my boobs are done by then so I can buy a nice blouse and jeans for the occasion. Bruce says aren't you going to wear a dress? Bruce we've been together 7 years when is the first time you've seen me in a dress? Well he says it be kind of nice don't you think? Nope. I don't think so. I hate pantie hose, I hate the way it feels on my legs. At my age everything is about comfort.

This is the longest job I have ever held. I made it 5 years. Yeah for me!

I've always been self employed. I owned and operated my own child care for over 10 years. It was called Beansville Child Care. Then I did specialized needs foster care for Native American kids for 8 years. Always been a care taker of others in some sort of way.

So today I have off and I'm feeling better then I have in a while. I just may finish this up and go out side for a walk. :)

My best to everyone, have a great and glorious day!

PS>>>Bruce has a myspace if you want to check it out. I know Billy will. Check out the music Bruce likes...sick bastard. anyway here is his link...

http://www.myspace.com/theorigionalfamilyguy

Work

So tomorrow is my first day back at work. I am a little apprehensive about it all. For those of you that don't know I work in a hospital mostly taking care of detox patients.

I saw my doctor on Monday to get a boob fill up but since I just got over the infection, rejection thing she refused to stick a needle in to filler up for at least one more week. So Monday I go back and if it looks good it will be a go.

She said I could go back to work three days a week. Part time until I'm doing better then normal.

That's it for me. I hope I can make it through the shift.

This is a water color I've been working on this week. Trying to work though the pain. I don't know if it will get finished all I can do is try.

I visited everyones blogs but the last three wouldn't let me leave a comment. So I will do it here. Sister Sage I have a pair of Doc Martins and I absolutely love them. I'm from Minnesota and we ware flannel shirts all winter. I like boys clothes. I shop in the mens department. Bruce loves me just the way that I am and I don't have boobs anymore so we will see what happens. I don't wear make up either. I'm me and I'm happy. I like you and I like your take on stuff. Hang in there. XOXOXOX

Terry your blog made me gain 10 pounds from the pictures, thanks. Glad you had a great time!

Tex you are one of a kind and I love you man!

I posted some of the music I like at the very bottom of the page. Mary Gauthier and Lucinda Williams seem to be my favorites for right now. Mary Gauthier sings some of the saddest beautiful songs you will ever here. I don't know why but sad songs about life soothe my soul.

And may I apologize for those of you who don't like music on a blog but I really don't give a rats ass (I really do) but I love music more. You can go to the bottom of page and shut it off or pick out a song. I give you some choices at least.

It wound up not working on the bottom so I moved it to the top. It will always be the top post and you my friends can control if you wish to listen or not. :)