“You can't go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is...now.” ― Jay Asher

How are things now? Really, how are they? Things are all different but basically the same.

I am headed home to Minnesota where my life started. Flying out on Thanksgiving day. Will get there in time for dinner. Staying till December 1, 2014...Monday. Going to my son's house. Bruce is coming with. Been a very long time since he has gone back to Minnesota with me.

I'm excited and scared. But the fear is very small. It is fear of failing their expectations which is all in my own head anyway.

Going for my grand-daughter Piper. She doesn't know I am coming. We are going to surprise her. Just knock on the door and she will open it and surprise grandma is here to visit you! My son and his wife know and think it will be an awesome surprise for her. Have a lot planned in that short time. Sunday will be family day with my daughter Amy joining us.

I am trying to stay in the present moment. Mindful thinking. Trying not to think of the upcoming visit and short vacation. Trying not to think how it will feel to say good-bye again. Just be in today. Right now. Sitting on the couch in my pajama's, Ricki's cat blanket over my lap, my Minnesota coffee cup filled with hot coffee and my lap top.

Just sitting here thinking about stuff. I dreamed about her last night. I don't have many dreams of her anymore but I was reading a friends blog about her life and what she is going through and I wrote a response which had to do with Ricki which in turn triggered my dream I think. Strong emotions do that with me...bleed into my dreams. I was walking and she was walking towards me and had made me a gift. We hugged for the longest time, just hung on to each other and were happy in the moments of hugging...

Now today the residual of the dream is still with me. I wonder will there ever come a time when I no longer think about her. Probably not. She came from my body. She was part of me. She died.

And this is where I need to put mindful thinking into play. Do not think about it. Do not.

Vacation is coming. Playing with Piper is coming. Thanksgiving is coming. I need to get up off this couch and shower and get ready for work...Off I go. Living in this moment. Enjoying my coffee and the fact I can come here and say my thoughts and be okay. I am okay.

Coming in on August 2014

I love my blog. It holds a lot of my past. My love, my happiness. my grief over my daughter's death, my cancer, my surgeries...it holds a lot of me and when I am gone and floating on the breeze it will still be here somewhere in cyber space. The world in which we live.

So many emotions held in a screen and key board. How sad is my life that I spent most of my time here or there? Not too sad. I have met some wonderful people over the years. Still friends through how many new computers? I have lost count. Now I have my lap top which Mr. McLeod is not allowed on. That was a lesson learned over and over the hard way. So much happier with my lap top. MINE. Nothing on here but what I want. If you are married I would highly recommend you each have your own computers. It will save you many fights. I should have done this years ago. Years.

I am back today because some how this always feels like home. I can be gone for years and I come back and it's like I never left.

This is that hard week for me. Although after 13 years it is easier. Gentler. August 8, her birthday. August 11th her death date. I text her baby sister Boo in Kauai, Hawaii, that late Thursday night a hurricane is headed her way according to the news. I told her that is no hurricane, it was going to be Ricki blowing in on her birthday to say hi to her Nanny. She always called her Nanny not Boo like the rest of us. Hurricane Ricki, like how she lived and died and left me here to pick up the pieces...

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Turtle Blues - Janis Joplin for Leo Billy...

The Swiss

What a great idea

Dreadlocks

I wrote a blog way back in the beginning of 2008 about putting a dreadlock in my hair every time work pissed me off...

Me today 6/12/2014.

I figured out how to do this from my phone...run now, because there is no stopping me. Photos will be coming several times a day and my random thoughts. insert evil laugh. Bwahaaaa 

Random, Scattered Thoughts Of An Old Lady

I am an Old lady. A senior. I'm what you would call a late bloomer. These are my scattered thoughts this cloudy morning. People talk about writing with flowing words, that your words should flow with rhythm. Damn. I like writing but words never ever flowed for me. My writing is like my life, somewhat choppy, messy and sad with moments of sheer happiness but for the most part, cloudy with periods of down pours.

 I even bought myself a Webster's book on Vocabulary to help improve my writing. I still suck at spelling, grammar and run on sentences. In school I excelled in reading and comprehension. It's just the writing it down part. I have a learning disability. No excuse though. Now I am 60 almost 61 and it really is no better. 

As I have aged I have been making myself more aware of my thoughts. Mindfulness. I also have toned myself down. I am listening more with my mouth shut. I am praying more. I am walking away more rather then or than get into a confrontation. Then and Than my learning disability is when I look at those two words I see left and right, my mind process it different then and than yours. Do you see what I mean? I see a lot of bashing on the internet for people using these words wrong. Makes me feel bad because try as I might MY brain doesn't work the way of the English language. And I just would like to write but I am stifled because of this and not wanting to appear stupid I stay limited. But my friends here have never minded my English or the way I write for the most part.

 I am Native American and I grew up in a house full of wild Indians. My parents were French speaking. They had broken English and my Aunts and Uncles were Native speaking, my parents also,  but were ashamed of their Native blood so French it was and I went to a very Catholic school where phonics was beaten into you. No wonder I am so fucked up with English language.

All this and I have not said a word about what is really in my heart this morning. Please almighty Creator make him be okay. You can't do this to me twice, you just can't. I am not strong enough. your humble servant Nancy.

I Am Not

One Photo says it all...

Hello From My Smart Phone While At Work

I did it again. I knew if I kept at I would win. Hello from my smart phone while I am at work. Now to figure out all the buttons... Makita is proud of me for never giving up. 

I Am Doing It!

OMG! I can't believe I got back in. After my post yesterday it got to be a mess. Everything is interchangeable with Google and for the life of me I spent hours trying to get back into my own blog. I finally had to delete all of Google and here I am.

Doing this from my lap top. My smart phone is a whole other issue.

Good morning my friends. I'm not going to lie to you I miss the like button. I miss the emo buttons. I miss tagging. But oh it's so much less stress. People from work are not here, so nice. :) Bear with me as I start up again. Time to learn all the in and outs of this.

I wish everyone a beautiful day and hopefully once I sign out I will be able to get back in...PEACE!

Hello, big hugs! I am back. It's just me and my dog. Makita. He is Newfoundland and Golden Retriever mix. He is from Alaska and he is my best friend.

It's been too long and I am happy to be home. I have missed you. So much has changed here and I am up for the newness. Learning. Never stop learning.