Yeah It's Me

I've been sick, very sick. I got a flu shot but apparently it wasn't the right one for this flu, it was for that other flu that "they" were expecting.

It started last Thursday. I had the chills so bad I wanted to die. By 1:00 am that night I was running 101.3 fever by 3:00 am I was shitting my pants and vomiting. By Friday morning I wanted to die.

"They" say that if you get the flu shot and get the flu it won't be as severe. It won't last as long...I am here to tell you that "they" are dead wrong. It is now the day before my surgery and I am still sick with the flu. Not as bad. The fever has stopped and the runs and vomiting have subsided but the weak queasy feeling is still running strong.

I called my surgeon to let her know about how I was feeling and she said as long as I am not running a fever we are going ahead with surgery Wed. HU? Oh yeah we are still going to do surgery. But I don't feel well. We have waited too long all ready and we are not postponing it. But I feel very queasy and nauseated. That's OK we will give you something for that once you get here. Uh Ok.

Bruce my care giver came home from work early yesterday and lived with his head in the toilet the rest of the day. Seems he came down with this flu. He's supposed to take care of me when I come home, now he is sick. Life is just sortta sucking right now for me.

I had to get my ass up and out of bed to go buy sports bra's for after surgery. "They" want you to bring one to the hospital for afterwards so it will hold you tight So there I am in Walmart, queasy, weak and tired looking for sports bras that open in the front...and because it's Valentines day Thursday all the red and black satin bras and crap are out and I start to cry right there in the underwear section of Walmart because, well just because I 'm sick and I'm tired and I'm emotional. The sales clerk comes up to me, are you all right? No I'm not all right, you see I'm having both of my breasts cut off on Wed. and I need a sports bra for afterwards to help curb the pain so what size do you think I need after these BABIES ARE CUT OFF? What size do you think I should get and snot is coming out of my nose and tears are falling down my face. We have to make room for the swelling and bloody drains so yeah can you help me???

And now it's 4:22 am and I just woke up from a vivid dream I had of Ricki Joy. I haven't dreamed of her in a few years. So I think her spirit came to me in my dream and it was so real. We were outside where I grew up. I grew up way out in the sticks. She was with a few girls her age and they were going swimming and I couldn't get her attention. I was screaming Ricki you can't go swimming because of the catheter sewn to your main artery, and she dove in anyway. When she came out of the water her and her friends were laughing and it was a sunny hot day out. They started to play tag you're it and were running away from me and I was becoming very frustrated in my dream because she wouldn't listen to me and then Amy my other daughter was there holding my arm walking with me, asking me what I was doing? I explained to her about Ricki. She said isn't it wonderful that she's showed you...you don't have to worry about her anymore. That she's in a place where she has friends and she's running and swimming and doing all the things she loves, that she's happy.

And I woke up crying.

So that is how I am on this eve before surgery. That is how I am.