Winter

I ain't got crap to say about nothing.

My Nun teachers from Catholic School would love my English writing skills. Sometimes I think I do it on purpose even though I'm 54 years old, that inner child that was beaten with a wooden ruler comes out and says things like ain't and fuck and such.

I am hating winter. It is dark when I get up and it's dark by 4:30 pm. It's too fucking cold out to go out. I hate winter. I hate winter in New England.

Although snuggling up to Mr Bruce is very nice. He's a fecking furnace. His body heat is the hottest I've ever encountered. It's great when I am freezing but when I am having a hot flash look out...

The picture above is my sister's cabin in the summer. I love it there. I hope to spend some time there this summer. It's a great place to relax! And the fishing is great!

Taken From My Journal

How does one get right with God? Do you confess all your sins and ask to be forgiven? I just don't know how to get right with God when I have some intense anger towards him. I get angry with my children but my love for them always win out. I have no love for God, so my anger is unresolved. Was my whole childhood a lie. The Catholic church taught me to have a personal relationship with God. My parents taught me the same. Now as an adult all I feel is turmoil with God.
My husband is the best!
I'm tired and I'm just beginning this fight. This battle that GOD has given me, what? You say it's not from GOD but from Satan who has control of all illnesses. Why does Satan have control of my life? I am a good person, so this makes no sense to me, this answer. I am so lost in all of this Christian theory.

I am thankful to Creator for my life.

If It Aint One Thing It's Another!

Because I couldn't get a surgery date for a few weeks I had to take the third shift at work, the 11pm-7am shift. This wears me out. I ended up back at the doctors on Thursday and now have a diagnose of pleurisy.

I knew what it was right away so I put off talking to the Dr. I went to work did 2 shifts 11 to 7 am and Thursday I couldn't take the pain anymore and broke down and went to the Dr. He gave me some very strong pain pills. Pleurisy is viral and what it is... is the lining of your lung fills up with fluid and the added fluid pressure hurts every time you take a breath.

Ok, I've been up long enough, lungs feel like they are on fire, stabbing pain, took pain pill, feeling dreamy need to go back to bed. Night night.

Surgery

My surgical oncologist, Dr. Mason called me today. Right after I had left a comment at Billy's.

I have a surgery date, February 13, 2008 12:00 noon.

This second round of antibiotics worked and my biopsy sight is almost all healed with a nice size scar. The scar won't matter any how since both boobs are going to be gone and a bigger scar will be left. Happy Valentines day Mr. Bruce.

Three months to heal. What the fuck am I gonna do at home for three months? Depending on the extent of lymph nodes and if there is cancer there will depend on my arms working. In the neat breast cancer package all decorated in pink there is a book titled lymphedema care, hot packs and wrapping.

Mr.Bruce is taking the 13th, 14th & 15th off work to take care of me. He gets to empty out blood filled drains on Valentines day. What a lucky guy. Sorry there goes my sarcastic side.

I was just looking at the breast dictionary and looked up a word I saw all over one of my reports...hyperplasia: an abnormal increase in the number of cells in a specific area, such as the lining of the breast ducts or the lobules.

It's funny all the new words I am learning that I didn't know before. Like asymptomatic, not having any symptoms of a disease. Bilateral, both boobs.

What a way to learn...

Lethal Injection

"You have the right to die with dignity," said Joshi, a political science and religion major at New Jersey's Rutgers University. Sperling, a psychology and religion major at New York University, said serving a life prison term is the appropriate alternative to the death penalty.

The Kentucky inmates say there are problems with the three drugs that are administered in succession to knock out, paralyze and kill prisoners.

The argument against the three-drug protocol is that if the initial anesthetic does not take hold, a third drug that stops the heart can cause excruciating pain. But that pain would be masked by the second drug that paralyzes the prisoner and renders him unable to express his discomfort. (this sounds OK to me, let the killer feel a little terrified and some pain)

God forbid 'these' people should feel any pain. Although they may have skinned their victim alive or drilled holes in their victims skull and pour acid in the holes like Jeffery Dahmer did.

I'm all for going back to the 'old fashion' way, get a strong rope and hang'em from the tallest tree.

My New Babies

I got two new baby guinea pigs. They are brothers and I have named them Bert & Ernie. I am loving them. This one is Bert and below him is Ernie. They can live up to 8 years, the longest one on record is 14 years old. They can weigh up to 2 and 1/2 pounds. They do learn to recognize you and when they want your attention they whistle for you.

Radical Atheist

http://www.radicalatheist.com/ Check out this blog. I liked it.

Journal Entry January 3, 2008

Frustration

If you looked in the dictionary under the word frustration you find a picture of me crying.

I had a doctor appointment today at 11:00 am. I drove the Mass Pike full of massholes down to Springfield. I get to the doctor's I pull in the parking ramp. I go in circles until I find a place to park. I park. I go in and realize I've never been here before. This is all wrong. I call Bruce and he says you should be at 35...Maine. I'm not. I'm at my Plastic Surgeon's office. Fuck! Ok go back out get into car and try to drive out of ramp. I need a special token to get out of ramp. A token you get from the doctor's office. I'm at the wrong doctors so how am I going to get the special token to get out. Fuck. I stop on the first floor and I go back in. I try one doctors office they are closed, I try the next one down, open. I explain that I don't have a appointment and that I'm at the wrong doctors office and the nice lady gives me a special token so I will stop crying and can leave.

I take my special token and I finally leave the parking ramp. I drive over to 35..Maine, park and walk into part A building, don't see my doctor's name anywhere, so I go out and walk to part B building...still no names I recognize. Fuck. I call Bruce back are you sure it's 35..Maine? Yes. Fuck. I am having a stroke.

Then I remember I put my breast Dr. number in my phone because I thought it would be a good idea. I call her office and I explain all of the above...the voice at the other end of the phone thinks I am crazy. I can tell. She tells me you are at the wrong building. You should be at 34..Maine. I call Bruce back and swear at him, you're fucking wrong about the address.

I finally get there and I go to register and the lady says "Are you sure you have an appointment, I don't see you here?" FUCK! It's right here on this card and I show it to her. Oh yeah here you are.

The doc tels me my MRI results haven't come back yet and she is so sorry. When I had the MRI last Friday they told me the results would be at my doc's by Monday. Do we really need the results? "Yes, I want to see if your left breast has any ductal cancer and to check the lymph nodes. Can I at least get a surgery date? "We will call you with that."

I want to get back to my fucking life. I cannot make any plans for anything until you give me a date. "Yes, I know you want to get back to your life, and I will try my best to get my people to hook up with your plastic surgeons people so we can get a date." "We will call you."

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

When I get home I call Bruce back and I'm crying because I yelled at him and it wasn't his fault and I say I'm sorry and snot is running out of my nose and he says it's all right I love you. He says he loves me. I don't deserve it, that kind of love. The really good and kind love. He loves me and I am blessed to have him.

My Sister Lee

This picture is of my daughters BooBoo, Aunty Lee, & AmyMy sister Lee is my hero. She is the bravest warrior I know. She was diagnosed 5 years ago. She had radical bilateral mastectomies with the reconstruction surgery. She is a survivor! She's made it 5 years cancer free. She recently went in to have her nipples put on. They take skin from two different areas to construct a nipple. Area one is your vagina, area two is your stomach.

Today she called me and shared this story with me. She went in to see her plastic surgeon to check her new nipples and to remove the stitches from the other areas. She said he took the bandages off and wouldn't let her look. He said they are nice and pink and look great. He then re bandaged them. He had to leave the room for a minute and she peeked at her new nipples and almost had a heart attack. There is a reason they don't want you to see them until they are done and all healed. It is a skin drafting so it takes 6 weeks about to heal.

So when he came back in she asked him "The place you took the skin from is hairy, will my nipples be hairy?" She's a sneaky one my sister. The doctor laughed and said that is nothing. You see an electrolysis after you are done. I was laughing so hard. Hairy nipples. hahahahahaha

Lee is my hero. She's prepared me for what lies a head. She shares her laughter and her tears with me and I love her so much! What a woman! Sisters, older sisters know and lead the way for their younger sister and I am so thankful, hairy nipples and all.

I promised her I wouldn't tell anybody about the hairy nipples story, so you didn't hear it from me.