Life, Awww It Has Become Beautiful Again...

Life, my life has become beautiful again. Man it's been such a long time in the dark and cold and depression. Five long years spent in the darkest places I've ever been. Yet I had these bright Angels who stuck with me through the darkest parts of my life. These Angels of light were you. Yes, you, people I have never met who just came by to check on me and offer a kind word or two. I think about you. All of you at different times. Leo comes with me on my daily walks with his wisdom and free expression at what I see on my walks. JackieSue comes with me when I go to work and my drunks come in and I have to smile and help them along...her humor and love. Buddha Girl is with me when I have to deal or hang out with in-laws, her humor and compassion and colorful expression of family is with me. You have all influenced my life in such a positive way and I am thankful for every one of you.

The weight loss has affected me big time. I don't know why losing 90 pounds would make so cocky now. My mouth. I have this new courage and my mouth now says what I am thinking. Even to my boss at work. You should have heard me Friday. It's like I got more confidence now. The whole thing is people treat me differently now. Men are nicer. Some women meaner. What the fuck is that all about? These are people I know.

I had paged the nursing supervisor three times over head and she didn't answer one of my pages...because of that we had a huge problem with a patient. Later when I caught her at the desk I confronted her. Why didn't you answer my pages? I paged you three times. She acted all surprised, you did? She looks at her pager. Ya I did and it was over head, so you can't hear now? She really didn't like me confronting her at the desk in front of the RNs. I would have never done this but my patient is the one who suffered because she ignored my pages. I will not have a paying patient suffer because a supervisor is lacking. I really become a warrior when it's a cancer patient in hospice and they want their morphine and you call for it and no one comes. I time it. I ring for the nurse, if they don't answer in sixty seconds I ring again and again and if no one answers I call the supervisor. You see how it works. And if she doesn't answer then we have a problem with someone in anxiety and pain and dying. Not acceptable under any circumstances! I don't get these patients often but when I do I am a warrior. This patient ended up squeezing my fingers for forty five minutes waiting for morphine. Sorry I'm getting pissed off writing about it. There is no excuse for it. None. This little old lady had lung cancer. She had no family but because she had no family she got no service, no one to check on her. Yet they charge her insurance to the roof for hospice. It sucks. I see it all the time. No living will, no family and the hospital takes charge of your life and they do what they want. Get a living will I can't express that enough. Get a living will and in it lay out the care you want.

Sorry I didn't mean to go off on a tangent. Just get a living will and lay out in simple terms exactly what you want for care and pain management and burial. This simple document will give you great comfort. Because I have seen it over and over again, "Do they have a living will?" First question they ask and if you don't you're screwed. And yes, I do have one on record with the hospital I go to.

Okay I will get off that subject. I had a great weekend. I had a friend and her little boy spend the weekend. We had a great time visiting. She's got it bad at home. I won't go into detail but her and her son needed a break and I love the company and Bruce loves to cook for anyone who likes to eat. So a good time was had by all. Then on Sunday we went to the flea market. I love going to the flea market. I scored and got a Levi's jean jacket for five bucks. I needed it to go with my new hat. I did the feathers on my hat. I love my hat. I'm balding so a hat was the answer. My doctor said my hair will come back it's just falling out from malnutrition. Until it comes back the hat is staying.

Cheryl and Shane...

Shane in Bruce's boat. We are going to take him fishing soon.

Me in my hat.

Shane. What a cute kid!

Bruce and I at adopted daughter's wedding.

Me and my adopted daughter Toni and Bruce. It was Toni's wedding.

My life is going really good right now. Just a few minor things with Bruce and his eating habits. I am working on it and he is rebelling. I told him if he can't keep up with me I may have to trade him in for a younger one, he didn't like that too much. I guess I wouldn't like it either if it were reversed. I just feel so darn good and I want him to feel good and taking off a few pounds would do that for him. Ok, ok I will stop.

Breast Cancer

I was doing OK. Better then OK, I was doing really, really good. One year out. Cancer free.

Then I got this phone call from my sister in Minnesota. Her oldest daughter, my niece, MaryAnn was diagnosed five years ago with Breast cancer. She had bi-lateral mastectomies with chemo and radiation. She is five years out and the cancer has metastasized to her liver. Four or five months is what she has left of her life.

I was told after five years you are considered free and clear. Wrong.

I am sad for MaryAnn. She can't stop crying. She is my age. We went on a blind date together once and it was very funny. We were fifteen going on twenty five.Breast cancer sucks.

I really need to find a lighter side to this. Going out to clear the webs of sadness out of my head. Fresh air and sunshine and good music here I come.

Thats two people...Candy and MaryAnn...

How many do you know?

Breast Cancer I am going to beat you right down, you will not take me , is my fucking attitude today. I am determined!

I am back to work full time. I was gone from work for seven months and in that seven months nothing has changed at work...nothing. Still rude nurses and poor service.

I was surprised yesterday by the reaction I had when my 85 year old patient died on me. I was on the med floor and was assigned a very difficult room with two old ladies who suffered dementia. I was putting the restraining mittens on her and she just quit moving...died. She had a red band on that states DNR. I just thought, thank god she died. Really, who wants to live like that? She didn't even know her own name. I had been with her all week and last week to. Watching the Doctors drain her bank account with worthless medical test. Her family hadn't been to visit her once while I was with her the last two weeks...I was happy she was gone.

My supervisor comes in and it's normal procedure to ask one how they are when you are with somebody who dies suddenly on you. I told her I was fine and I actually had prayed for her to die.

Bruce and I have a pact. When and if I do reach the ripe old age of 85, if I am out of my head and in outer space to shoot me. He promised me he would. I would not want to live like that ever.

I hate exercise. I absolutely hate it. I do it anyway. I know it is helping me. I am jogging now. I never thought I would be a jogger. For one, my boobs were always too big and in the way. Now I have these nice smaller ones and they don't get in my way. I am finding I like to run. I like to jog. It gets out all my anxiety and crap. There is something about it that just makes me feel better mentally and physically. So I am going to leave you and go out and jog in the sunshine with my favorite music playing in my ears and think about how blessed I am to be able to even do it.

I love you guys, my blogging family. I really do love you and I have good thoughts, energy when I think about you while I jog. Leo, JackieSue, all of you. Be well and take care.

This photo was taken ten months ago. I was shocked to see how unhealthy I look.

Bruce took this of me yesterday...I have come a long way baby!