Tuesday, November 18, 2014

“You can't go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is...now.” ― Jay Asher

How are things now? Really, how are they? Things are all different but basically the same.

I am headed home to Minnesota where my life started. Flying out on Thanksgiving day. Will get there in time for dinner. Staying till December 1, 2014...Monday. Going to my son's house. Bruce is coming with. Been a very long time since he has gone back to Minnesota with me.

I'm excited and scared. But the fear is very small. It is fear of failing their expectations which is all in my own head anyway.

Going for my grand-daughter Piper. She doesn't know I am coming. We are going to surprise her. Just knock on the door and she will open it and surprise grandma is here to visit you! My son and his wife know and think it will be an awesome surprise for her. Have a lot planned in that short time. Sunday will be family day with my daughter Amy joining us.

I am trying to stay in the present moment. Mindful thinking. Trying not to think of the upcoming visit and short vacation. Trying not to think how it will feel to say good-bye again. Just be in today. Right now. Sitting on the couch in my pajama's, Ricki's cat blanket over my lap, my Minnesota coffee cup filled with hot coffee and my lap top.

Just sitting here thinking about stuff. I dreamed about her last night. I don't have many dreams of her anymore but I was reading a friends blog about her life and what she is going through and I wrote a response which had to do with Ricki which in turn triggered my dream I think. Strong emotions do that with me...bleed into my dreams. I was walking and she was walking towards me and had made me a gift. We hugged for the longest time, just hung on to each other and were happy in the moments of hugging...

Now today the residual of the dream is still with me. I wonder will there ever come a time when I no longer think about her. Probably not. She came from my body. She was part of me. She died.

And this is where I need to put mindful thinking into play. Do not think about it. Do not.

Vacation is coming. Playing with Piper is coming. Thanksgiving is coming. I need to get up off this couch and shower and get ready for work...Off I go. Living in this moment. Enjoying my coffee and the fact I can come here and say my thoughts and be okay. I am okay.


texlahoma said...

I think it's great that you are going to Minnesota for Thanksgiving and that you are going to surprise your granddaughter makes it even better.
It sounds kind of exciting, have a good time!

Nancy McLeod said...

Thank honey! I am way over excited. Vacation way over due. 😄😄😄😄

billy pilgrim said...

we can't go back to how things were because they never were like remember them to be.

the past doesn't exist.
the future doesn't exist.
the only thing that exists is the present so might as well, enjoy the moment!

why do they call it the present?

because it's a gift.