Frustration

If you looked in the dictionary under the word frustration you find a picture of me crying.

I had a doctor appointment today at 11:00 am. I drove the Mass Pike full of massholes down to Springfield. I get to the doctor's I pull in the parking ramp. I go in circles until I find a place to park. I park. I go in and realize I've never been here before. This is all wrong. I call Bruce and he says you should be at 35...Maine. I'm not. I'm at my Plastic Surgeon's office. Fuck! Ok go back out get into car and try to drive out of ramp. I need a special token to get out of ramp. A token you get from the doctor's office. I'm at the wrong doctors so how am I going to get the special token to get out. Fuck. I stop on the first floor and I go back in. I try one doctors office they are closed, I try the next one down, open. I explain that I don't have a appointment and that I'm at the wrong doctors office and the nice lady gives me a special token so I will stop crying and can leave.

I take my special token and I finally leave the parking ramp. I drive over to 35..Maine, park and walk into part A building, don't see my doctor's name anywhere, so I go out and walk to part B building...still no names I recognize. Fuck. I call Bruce back are you sure it's 35..Maine? Yes. Fuck. I am having a stroke.

Then I remember I put my breast Dr. number in my phone because I thought it would be a good idea. I call her office and I explain all of the above...the voice at the other end of the phone thinks I am crazy. I can tell. She tells me you are at the wrong building. You should be at 34..Maine. I call Bruce back and swear at him, you're fucking wrong about the address.

I finally get there and I go to register and the lady says "Are you sure you have an appointment, I don't see you here?" FUCK! It's right here on this card and I show it to her. Oh yeah here you are.

The doc tels me my MRI results haven't come back yet and she is so sorry. When I had the MRI last Friday they told me the results would be at my doc's by Monday. Do we really need the results? "Yes, I want to see if your left breast has any ductal cancer and to check the lymph nodes. Can I at least get a surgery date? "We will call you with that."

I want to get back to my fucking life. I cannot make any plans for anything until you give me a date. "Yes, I know you want to get back to your life, and I will try my best to get my people to hook up with your plastic surgeons people so we can get a date." "We will call you."

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

When I get home I call Bruce back and I'm crying because I yelled at him and it wasn't his fault and I say I'm sorry and snot is running out of my nose and he says it's all right I love you. He says he loves me. I don't deserve it, that kind of love. The really good and kind love. He loves me and I am blessed to have him.

My Sister Lee

This picture is of my daughters BooBoo, Aunty Lee, & AmyMy sister Lee is my hero. She is the bravest warrior I know. She was diagnosed 5 years ago. She had radical bilateral mastectomies with the reconstruction surgery. She is a survivor! She's made it 5 years cancer free. She recently went in to have her nipples put on. They take skin from two different areas to construct a nipple. Area one is your vagina, area two is your stomach.

Today she called me and shared this story with me. She went in to see her plastic surgeon to check her new nipples and to remove the stitches from the other areas. She said he took the bandages off and wouldn't let her look. He said they are nice and pink and look great. He then re bandaged them. He had to leave the room for a minute and she peeked at her new nipples and almost had a heart attack. There is a reason they don't want you to see them until they are done and all healed. It is a skin drafting so it takes 6 weeks about to heal.

So when he came back in she asked him "The place you took the skin from is hairy, will my nipples be hairy?" She's a sneaky one my sister. The doctor laughed and said that is nothing. You see an electrolysis after you are done. I was laughing so hard. Hairy nipples. hahahahahaha

Lee is my hero. She's prepared me for what lies a head. She shares her laughter and her tears with me and I love her so much! What a woman! Sisters, older sisters know and lead the way for their younger sister and I am so thankful, hairy nipples and all.

I promised her I wouldn't tell anybody about the hairy nipples story, so you didn't hear it from me.

Happy New Year

Myspace Graphics- At Myspacejunks.com

JackieSue...

I don't have time to visit all your blogs today (tonight I will) but will try and post a fast one because JackieSue reamed me a new one for not keeping in touch. So JackieSue with the fear of you in my heart :) here it is.

I had a core biopsy on 11/11/2007. In a nutshell this is what is going on today...the biopsy sight didn't heal so here it is 12/28/2007 and I still have an open hole in my right boob (better then in my head so I got that going for me) So today I have to have an ultra sound of my boob to check for any abscess. Thats at 1:30 today then at 3:30 I am having a breast MRI which is tons of fun. Healing is hard for diabetics. If I can't heal from a biopsy how will I heal from bilateral mastectomys? That folks is the million dollar question we are trying to find answers to today.

Anyway here is some cute pictures of Bruce and Taryn. Remember Taryn our grand-daughter? I posted pictures a ways back when she was born and now just look at her, the love of our lives..
This is a picture taken on Christmas morning and these two didn't stop wrassling for the entire day! I swear to whoever these two make me laugh until I cry! They are both the same age!
Bruce and Taryn are the loves of my life. They make me smile and laugh. I love them so much!

Happy News!

I do have some happy news! This is a first photo of my grand-baby due June 26th. Trina & Travis are expecting their first and I am so blessed! An exciting time. I am going to go stay with them, they invited me. So I have that going for me!

Pages from My Journal

A page about my Bruce...
Two sisters also diagnosed and my feeling about them...
My way of dealing with my feelings of breast cancer.
The picture is of Ricki...
In my writing side ways is a verse from a poem written by
~~ Edna St. Vincent Millay ~~
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

We have walked through the fire together...
Boo, me & Amy

For Rocky

So here is the scoop of what is going on to catch Rocky up.

A year ago or so I had two lumpectomies. This gave me a diagnose of lobular carcinoma SITU through out both breast. Non evasive cancer that could become active in the future.

I had my 6 month mammogram. Clear, no new spots.

I had my next 6 month mammogram. Not so good. It showed a new spot on my right breast. I had that biopsied and that came back as ductal carcinoma. Cancer. Ductal carcinoma is different then lobular carcinoma SITU. It can kill you. So I had three different doctor visits with three different doctors. Dr. Hetzel, my medical oncologist, Dr. Holly Mason my oncologist breast surgeon, and Dr. Melissa Johnson my plastic surgeon for re constructive surgery.

After the double mastectomies if the good tissue that is left shows no signs of live cancer cells I will have the re constructive surgery right after. If there are any live cancer cells in the healthy tissue or any of the lymph nodes I will have to do chemo and or radiation, then the re constructive surgery.

So yesterday the good social worker called me to see what state of mind I was in...I was fine like I said until she started bring up stuff that I had made my peace with and it just started my emotions rolling.

I'm better today. Bruce is my rock. He knows me so well, and he uses his knowledge to say just what I need to hear. I am truly blessed to have this man in my life at this time.

I've been working on a collage journal and will post some photo's of it. My way of working through it. I'm glad I am back and have you wonderful people to see me though. I've missed you. You are the best of the best! Thank you for putting up with me for so long! :)

This Is How I Felt...

So I was feeling pretty good about all the crap (cancer) that was happening to me, resigned to do what I have to do. Then the phone rings...it's an oncologist social worker. She opens doors that I had gently shut. Since I talked to her at 3:00 pm I haven't stopped crying. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Wild Rice Soup

So I had a bowl of my wild rice soup and it revived me.

I saw my plastic surgeon on Monday. Her name is Melissa Johnson, Dr. Melissa Johnson. I am so blessed to have these women doctors taking care of me. My breast surgeon is one of the best on the East Coast. Her name is Dr. Holly Mason. My oncologist is the best too, Dr. Hetzel. He's a Yankee's fan, but I won't hold that against him.

I went for my 6 month mammogram. It showed a spot on my right breast that wasn't there 6 months ago. So I was biopsied. It came back as ductal carcinoma. Let me tell you the best laid plans of mice & men always get sidetracked by life.

Dr. Hetzel signed me up with Dr. Holly. The original plan was to do a partial breast removal with 6 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week. I was resigned to do it so I dug out Ricki's orange radio active shirt to wear to radiation. I thought it was funny. Apparently I was the only one.

Anyway I got my appointment with Dr. Holly and after reviewing my medical records and family history we decided on a bilateral radical mastectomy. Both breast gone. She asked me if I wanted to reconstruct my breast? Sure, why not?

That led me to Dr. Melissa. Let me tell you what an experience picking out new boobies. What size cup do you want? What shape, tear drop or round? Where would you like them placed, up high or down low? While I'm doing your boobs I'll suction out this fat here under your arms and tighten it up... Jesus Christ I'll have the boobs I had when I was 15 and my droopy face won't match. the only thing that would stop the reconstruction is while I'm under they will biopsy the tissue that is left, if there is any live cancer cells I will have to do chemo and or radiation first then the new boobs after.

So I should get a surgery date sometime in the first half of Jan.

That is my journey. The journey I'm on right now. To be cancer free.

My sister Lee got her new nipples on Monday. She loves them. They took the skin from her vagina and constructed beautiful nipples. I have that to look forward to.

Bruce is getting new boobs for Christmas. He liked the tear drop shape, up high and a good size C cup...

I'm Starting Over Again

So here I am once again starting over. Starting over gives me hope like a new day beginning again.

Where shall I start?

I guess I wanted a place to go to write about my feelings and my journey with breast cancer. Right now in this moment I am too tired to start. Not to start, but to continue this post. So maybe tomorrow, there is always tomorrow.