JOE COCKER -With A Little Help From My Friends- 1969 Woodstock..

Sometimes...

Survivor, Friendship, Truth...

Survivor. I have survived the two worst things anyone can survive. 

1. The death of ones own flesh and blood, a child. Granted she was 28 years old, but my child.
2. Deadly cancer. The loss of both breast. Seven years in February. 

I'm thinking that the Creator wants me here for a reason.  I don't know why just yet. Maybe I need to pay better attention to life lessons. I am reflecting as I do during this time of year. What was and why and how much did it cost emotionally.

I lost a best friend again. I thought we both had grown up. At the age of 60 one would think that. Then I remember I am married to the biggest kid of all. Some people never grow up emotionally. Death and cancer push you to grow up. Life & Time, only allowed so much of both or are they the same?

The truth. Some people can't handle the truth. It hurts too much. I wrote about the truth. Truth is. 
Friendships end. Even the great ones. Everything ends. All attachments lead to pain because nothing last forever. Simple and true.

Hooray. Here is to this next year. Hooray! Here's to friends that can't handle the truth so they lash out at you taking pot shots on Facebook every chance they get instead of picking up the phone to talk about it. But that would be the adult thing to do and it would be painful so let's act like a hurt angry child and post signs that talk about betrayal and hurt. Anyone that has ever confronted you on your issues has been deleted. I do not like Hugh but when I read what he wrote...even though I dislike him, I thought Hugh has wrote the truth and now will be deleted. I wrote the truth and I was deleted.

He wrote what everybody was thinking. How could a grown woman with 2 small children forget a hot pan of oil on a burner that was left on? Was she busy with her boyfriend who is a drunk or was she using and nodded off. For a fire to be that bad. Too lose everything. Accidents happen. Have you ever forgotten something on the stove? Before fire and smoke you smell burning, even burnt toast smells bad. This happened in broad day light at dinner time...2 small children. Two beautiful small children could have died because of Neglect. When you have small children you can't afford to be that neglectful. The truth. She told you she was in the bathroom and forgot...then she was awake and conscious could she not smell the burning? Her story does not add up. Unless she was so stoned...then it could happen. Truth.

Truth is I now have to let it go. Hashed it out one last time here and now just let it go. Let you go. It hurts. Letting you go... hurts. 

Okay a little more reflection, Virgo really annoys me the way we have to over fucking analyze everything...I gave you my blog address I knew you would read what I wrote. Maybe for me it was between us, stopping our growth. The growth of a friendship rekindled. And whatever happened to fucking unconditional love? You love me if I fit the version of me you want me to be. Hello this is me, fucking pickers and all. I love you with all your faults. Your inability to never be wrong or to apologize when you are. Never have I ever gotten an apology from you. You know how much you hurt me when you ignored me when I was trying to tell you about Ricki? You would not even look at me. Now you profess such great love and hurt that I didn't tell you. WTF??? 

Makita...means forever friend in Russian...

I'm 61 going on 62 and Makita is THE best dog I have ever had. I am thinking the Universe saved the best for last. We rescued him from Sitka, Alaska. His owner had him and his sister but lost his job and could not afford their care. His sister got adopted right away but no one wanted this BIG black dog. A friend I have never met posted his photo on Facebook. I fell in love with his face. I told her if you can get him to me I will take him. Up in Alaska they take them out back when their time is up and they shoot them point blank right between the eyes. She said she would go to the pound and get him and their rescue group would fly him into Boston. All I had to do was pick him up. All vet care would be done for his flight here.

In the mean time the man's son heard they were going to shoot him and broke into the pound and kidnapped him. He knew what a good dog he was and didn't want him killed. Sitka is not that big and my friend tracked him down got the dog whose name was formally Chubs and flew him into Boston. 

When he came out of that crate at Boston airport I could not believe how beautiful and happy he was. He came running at me full speed. He loved me from the get go and he is such a good dog. I love him with all my heart. He was ten months old when I got him. He will be four in May.

I loved him sight unseen and when I finally met him he seemed to come straight from heaven. He is my best friend and my greatest comfort. 

Rebuild or Move On?

The struggle is passing, as you allow it to move. As you release what could have been and what was. When you soften that resistance and pause for a moment. Allowing those tears to fall, allowing that anger to rise. For these moments are intense. They are large waves crashing down. Admit you are struggling. Give up if you have to, wipe your hands of it all. Then something will shift...you hear a sweet call. This call echoes deeply in this heart of yours. Your soul steps forward with its comfort and care. The deepest surrender, of letting go is here. Know you are ready and that you will not feel this way forever. The reason for this feeling is not something you may understand. Find some peace with this, and trust everything is how it needs to be. You cleanse, you purify, you surrender it now. Dropping all baggage, allow it to fall.

You understand that there is purpose to this painful situation. To teach. To teach. To teach.

Now it is up to you. To learn from it, and then release it completely taking the lesson into your now. Or you could change it, make it better with love, understanding, forgiveness and moving on. Letting it go and moving forward better than before.

Rebuilding from the ruins. Wiser and stronger.

Saturday 12/13/2014

I have the next three days off. I need them. Since I got back from Minnesota I have been sick with this horrendous head cold. It's not been pretty. Snotty nose, coughing and sneezing. Not to mention my bursitis of the hip. Limping while I sneeze and cough.

My emotions have been everywhere. Missing Piper and family. The mess with Lorrie. The thing with the mess with Lorrie is that she accepts NO part in all of what happened. That bothers me the most. I admit my part. I apologized that I wrote about it. But she has always been her worst enemy. Never accepting that she might have done something wrong and never apologizing. Like when she ignored me when I was telling her about Ricki. Like when she would not cross the street when I came to visit her. I was carrying a stupid book on friendship to give her and that book came home with me. She completely ignores the things she does that hurt me but she is the best Christian around. Posting stuff about God and Jesus all the time. Really? Seriously, Christians are the worst people for causing pain and suffering. So in writing about it again I am trying to work it out which is hard to do by yourself. I called her but she won't answer the phone. So childish. Jesus Christ we are 60 years old...time to grow up don't you think?

Sorry didn't mean to go off on a tangent but I love her and this hurts. Who am I going to talk to about it? Bruce doesn't give a shit about this. So I come here.

Okay I have three days off. Time to get some stuff done. Coffee is first. Getting on is second. 

Why I Went To Minnesota...

This is why I went to Minnesota. Her. My only grandchild. I didn't go to rekindle long lost friendships. I didn't go to see my kids. I didn't go to see my sisters, nieces, or nephews. I went to see her. To spend as much time as I could with her. Piper Eleanore. 

She is my joy. My bliss. She asked to take a selfie with grandma on her Kindle showing our matching spaces. She loved my stories. Let me tell you there is nothing like a grandchild. Nothing. They are what is right in the world. The children.

The rest of my trip was gravy. The rich creamy good kind. I rekindled a friendship that started before kindergarten. This woman is Jeanne Byron. My older sister and hers were friends. We were starting kindergarten at Saint Rose in the fall of 1959. Our sisters thought it would be easier for us if we had a friend to start with. So my sister Lee and Jeanne's sister Patty introduced us. OMG! We were besties from day one. So many good memories.

She showed up at the hotel with a handful of suckers and a story. It was a true story of how we parted ways. Her gesture and being there humbled me. I love you Jeanne. Adult friendship is rekindled. Better. No blame and an apology with suckers. So happy we will continue our friendship. Very excited about her and her husband coming out for a visit in the fall. She is such a loving, giving person. So happy we are friends again.

Seeing my sisters and their daughters was pure joy. Having Piper meet her dad's half of the family priceless. It was a wonderful five days!. 

Piper, me and two of my nieces Dawn and Angie

Into my Fourth Year

First day with dreadlocks. Dread babies really...

Now into my fourth year...I have stories. And the journey continues.

“You can't go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is...now.” ― Jay Asher

How are things now? Really, how are they? Things are all different but basically the same.

I am headed home to Minnesota where my life started. Flying out on Thanksgiving day. Will get there in time for dinner. Staying till December 1, 2014...Monday. Going to my son's house. Bruce is coming with. Been a very long time since he has gone back to Minnesota with me.

I'm excited and scared. But the fear is very small. It is fear of failing their expectations which is all in my own head anyway.

Going for my grand-daughter Piper. She doesn't know I am coming. We are going to surprise her. Just knock on the door and she will open it and surprise grandma is here to visit you! My son and his wife know and think it will be an awesome surprise for her. Have a lot planned in that short time. Sunday will be family day with my daughter Amy joining us.

I am trying to stay in the present moment. Mindful thinking. Trying not to think of the upcoming visit and short vacation. Trying not to think how it will feel to say good-bye again. Just be in today. Right now. Sitting on the couch in my pajama's, Ricki's cat blanket over my lap, my Minnesota coffee cup filled with hot coffee and my lap top.

Just sitting here thinking about stuff. I dreamed about her last night. I don't have many dreams of her anymore but I was reading a friends blog about her life and what she is going through and I wrote a response which had to do with Ricki which in turn triggered my dream I think. Strong emotions do that with me...bleed into my dreams. I was walking and she was walking towards me and had made me a gift. We hugged for the longest time, just hung on to each other and were happy in the moments of hugging...

Now today the residual of the dream is still with me. I wonder will there ever come a time when I no longer think about her. Probably not. She came from my body. She was part of me. She died.

And this is where I need to put mindful thinking into play. Do not think about it. Do not.

Vacation is coming. Playing with Piper is coming. Thanksgiving is coming. I need to get up off this couch and shower and get ready for work...Off I go. Living in this moment. Enjoying my coffee and the fact I can come here and say my thoughts and be okay. I am okay.

Coming in on August 2014

I love my blog. It holds a lot of my past. My love, my happiness. my grief over my daughter's death, my cancer, my surgeries...it holds a lot of me and when I am gone and floating on the breeze it will still be here somewhere in cyber space. The world in which we live.

So many emotions held in a screen and key board. How sad is my life that I spent most of my time here or there? Not too sad. I have met some wonderful people over the years. Still friends through how many new computers? I have lost count. Now I have my lap top which Mr. McLeod is not allowed on. That was a lesson learned over and over the hard way. So much happier with my lap top. MINE. Nothing on here but what I want. If you are married I would highly recommend you each have your own computers. It will save you many fights. I should have done this years ago. Years.

I am back today because some how this always feels like home. I can be gone for years and I come back and it's like I never left.

This is that hard week for me. Although after 13 years it is easier. Gentler. August 8, her birthday. August 11th her death date. I text her baby sister Boo in Kauai, Hawaii, that late Thursday night a hurricane is headed her way according to the news. I told her that is no hurricane, it was going to be Ricki blowing in on her birthday to say hi to her Nanny. She always called her Nanny not Boo like the rest of us. Hurricane Ricki, like how she lived and died and left me here to pick up the pieces...

I love you. I love you. I love you.