McRaven

Lint Ball, dedicated to Leo.

2010-11-02T05:01:00.000-07:00

This is Lint Ball.

Some of you know his story from FaceBook. I thought about him this morning. And I wanted to share his story with my friend Leo. So Leo this one is for you.

Before I left on my journey of a lifetime I had great anxiety about going. Great anxiety. I was at the laundry washing my clothes and getting ready to leave on my trip. I was sitting on a bench waiting and I started to pray. I had a turtle hanging from my mirror in my car and I was looking through the window at that turtle. I was praying and I asked the universe for a sign, give me a sign please that I should drive by myself on this 5000 mile journey and that I will be OK.

I was drinking a cup of coffee and I bent down to put my cup down and I saw this lint ball move. It was a lint ball with legs. I picked it up and thought what the heck is it? Started pulling the lint off and discovered a turtle. Unfreaking believable. I called Bruce. Bring me some spring water and a bucket. I told him the story and he did not believe me.

Bruce brought me the bucket and water. We dunked Lint Ball. We cleaned him off a little more. Sure enough, there he was a perfect baby turtle. The universe had given me my sign and answered my prayers. How else would that baby turtle just showed up at the laundry covered in lint? I think the Universe created him out of lint to answer my prayers.

I brought Lint Ball home and I kept him for three days to make sure he was a healthy little guy. Then Bruce and I brought him to the swamp a few miles from our house and I said a prayer and Bruce let him go. He was so happy to bury himself in the warm mud of the swamp. His little tail was a wagging.

Special Cream Cost An Arm and a Leg

2010-10-27T05:14:00.000-07:00

So Walmart finally got my 'special' cream for my new nipples. It cost around 100 dollars for this tiny tube. But it has special enzymes that will make the black rotting skin grafts fall off. So far no luck. I get in the shower daily and try to scrub them off but they are stuck like glue oh oh oh stuck like glue it's me and you baby stuck like glue...sorry got that damn song stuck in my head.

The Summer of My Life!

2010-10-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

I drove alone from MA to Minnesota and then from Minnesota to Colorado and then from Colorado back to MA. 5000 miles. What a freakin journey it was. I didn't see my son or Piper. It was my choice because I didn't want to meet her after 24 hours of no sleep or shower in a park. That was my choice. Katrina text me after not talking to me for 2 years and said she would bring Piper to a park to meet me. Can you imagine how scary that would be for a 2 year old. I love her to much to put her through that. If I am not welcomed in your house then no thank you. They never contacted me again so I left Minnesota without so much as a hello from my son.

I'd forgotten...

2010-10-25T05:39:00.000-07:00

I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed blogging. Katrina took that away from me. She took a lot of things away from me. Boy once someone invades your privacy and uses it to hurt you it does take a while to heal from that kind of hatred. I don't have anything else she can take so fuck it. You know what I mean?

I heard from Boo via FaceBook. Goddess it was so freakin awesome to hear from her. She wants me to move to Hawaii. Live with her in Hawaii. Do you know I am thinking about it. Especially after the hate mail I got from Bruce's step mom. I am just tired of all the hatred directed at me because I am not Sharon. Sharon was Bruce's first wife. She died. I am telling you never marry a widower. I would rather deal with a bitter ex-wife then a dead saint.

Bruce also got a letter. His said Sharon was such a good lady and I was the most disgusting person she had ever met...really apple and oranges. Bruce loves my disgusting ways. hahaha

Hawaii sounds good. Warm weather. No one sending me hate mail. With family that loves and wants me. I really can't see a down side to this.

look at those smiles...it's a beautiful thing family.

Been A While

2010-10-24T08:08:00.001-07:00

I haven't been here since Feb. I always find myself coming back when I seem to deeply hurt.

So here I am. And I am deeply hurt.

Do you know what is truly disgusting? Hate and the people who spew it, and spread it...in any way they can.

They disguise it in many ways. Many ways.

It only in the long run causes pain and suffering. That is what they want. They want you to have pain and suffering.

I am choosing not to be involved in it. You keep your hate. Choke on it. wallow in it. Bathe in it. It is what you know and love. I do not want any part of it.

I choose not to be a part of it. Someday because life is a circle you will feel the pain and suffering you have caused and it will be three times worse for you. You will become enlightened and you will have a deep knowing because of the pain in your heart at what you have done.

You will also know this at that moment of enlightenment...You will know how much I love you and in that knowing you will feel pain.

Namaste

I honor the place in you
In which the entire universe dwells
I honor the place in you
Which is of love, of truth, of light, and peace
When you are in that place in you
And I am in that place in me

We are one.

Three Weeks Out

2010-02-22T11:45:00.000-08:00

So today I stayed in my pjs almost the whole day. Bruce kept me hopping all week-end and I am tired today. Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since my tummy tuck surgery. Bruce took these photos

My doctor is a miricle worker. Thank you Doctor Melissa.

A New Day

2010-02-18T04:37:00.000-08:00

I took this photo last summer. Bruce and I were fishing and I caught a rainbow...

So today is new. A friend who I work with...when I said yesterday was a long day of nothing. Well she pointed out to me that it was a long day of healing. I forgot. My body is healing from being cut almost in half and a large portion of it removed. See pictures below.

So today my mind will be in better spirits and I will let my body heal. I will help it along by feeding it right and that includes a square of dark chocolate. I will also go for a walk. I will go further then yesterday. I will go and my mind will wander to good thoughts as I walk and listen to good music. I am blessed.

Two Weeks Out

2010-02-17T13:37:00.000-08:00

So I am two weeks out of major surgery. I walked a mile today. Just one mile. Tomorrow I will go a block or two more. I will over come and I will get back to where I was. Today is another tough day. I don't know why. I am getting enough sleep and I am eating well. Maybe it's the pain meds. Coming off the pain meds. None yesterday or today. Might explain the crying jags I've had today.

Tomorrow will be better.

Before & Four Days After My Tummy Tuck

2010-02-06T13:55:00.000-08:00

Still pretty swollen, but my doctor preformed a miracle. I now have a flat tummy with no fat rolls. Can't wait to lose the drains. Maybe Thursday.

My BooBoo

2010-01-26T09:59:00.000-08:00

My BooBoo and her dog Pablo

I miss her so much.

My God

2010-01-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

Oh my God it has been a long time since I have been here. I have missed it. I wasn't sure I would remember my password and was thoroughly delighted when it opened for me the door to here.

I am depressed. It has been a long while. When I am depressed I come here and let it all out.

I am going through a rough patch. I know I will get to the other side but it is how well I will walk through the fire. I am emotionally starving. What feeds my spirit?, I am learning. My children feed my spirit. So just by those statements you know why I am starving. I have one child who feeds me and lifts me but it is not enough. It is never enough. So what can I do? What do I always do? I adopt children who are not mine and I make them mine. Like Sarah and Toni from work. I always adjust.

This Gastric Bypass isn't going the way I planned. But today I woke up and I knew it was me. It's always been me who gets in the way of my own success. Why do I set myself up to fail? Why? I know full well what I have to do. And today I started. I started. Just get me through today. I will worry about tomorrow...tomorrow.

Hot Dogs & Flower Bridge &Taryn and Nina

2009-06-01T05:15:00.000-07:00

This is what I did yesterday, and today I am resting... But first this picture of Bruce and Cole...see the resemblance!
I loved this orange flower!

This was just plain funny...Bruce's white!

The End of another great day!

Butterflys, Picnic, Ribs and a Well Deserved Nap

2009-05-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

I am so busy. I don't have time to myself . I work 12 hours a day 4 or 5 days a week. The week-ends Bruce's family has me doing this and doing that. I just don't have enough time in the day to do all the things I want to. Here are some photos of my busy week-end last week-end. We took the grand-kids to the Butterfly gardens. Then on a picnic, then I walked Sissy the cat, then we ate dinner at Brian's house, Bruce's brother, then I passed out. I am off to work now. Have a great week-end everyone!

The End.

Life, Awww It Has Become Beautiful Again...

2009-04-27T04:52:00.000-07:00

Life, my life has become beautiful again. Man it's been such a long time in the dark and cold and depression. Five long years spent in the darkest places I've ever been. Yet I had these bright Angels who stuck with me through the darkest parts of my life. These Angels of light were you. Yes, you, people I have never met who just came by to check on me and offer a kind word or two. I think about you. All of you at different times. Leo comes with me on my daily walks with his wisdom and free expression at what I see on my walks. JackieSue comes with me when I go to work and my drunks come in and I have to smile and help them along...her humor and love. Buddha Girl is with me when I have to deal or hang out with in-laws, her humor and compassion and colorful expression of family is with me. You have all influenced my life in such a positive way and I am thankful for every one of you.

The weight loss has affected me big time. I don't know why losing 90 pounds would make so cocky now. My mouth. I have this new courage and my mouth now says what I am thinking. Even to my boss at work. You should have heard me Friday. It's like I got more confidence now. The whole thing is people treat me differently now. Men are nicer. Some women meaner. What the fuck is that all about? These are people I know.

I had paged the nursing supervisor three times over head and she didn't answer one of my pages...because of that we had a huge problem with a patient. Later when I caught her at the desk I confronted her. Why didn't you answer my pages? I paged you three times. She acted all surprised, you did? She looks at her pager. Ya I did and it was over head, so you can't hear now? She really didn't like me confronting her at the desk in front of the RNs. I would have never done this but my patient is the one who suffered because she ignored my pages. I will not have a paying patient suffer because a supervisor is lacking. I really become a warrior when it's a cancer patient in hospice and they want their morphine and you call for it and no one comes. I time it. I ring for the nurse, if they don't answer in sixty seconds I ring again and again and if no one answers I call the supervisor. You see how it works. And if she doesn't answer then we have a problem with someone in anxiety and pain and dying. Not acceptable under any circumstances! I don't get these patients often but when I do I am a warrior. This patient ended up squeezing my fingers for forty five minutes waiting for morphine. Sorry I'm getting pissed off writing about it. There is no excuse for it. None. This little old lady had lung cancer. She had no family but because she had no family she got no service, no one to check on her. Yet they charge her insurance to the roof for hospice. It sucks. I see it all the time. No living will, no family and the hospital takes charge of your life and they do what they want. Get a living will I can't express that enough. Get a living will and in it lay out the care you want.

Sorry I didn't mean to go off on a tangent. Just get a living will and lay out in simple terms exactly what you want for care and pain management and burial. This simple document will give you great comfort. Because I have seen it over and over again, "Do they have a living will?" First question they ask and if you don't you're screwed. And yes, I do have one on record with the hospital I go to.

Okay I will get off that subject. I had a great weekend. I had a friend and her little boy spend the weekend. We had a great time visiting. She's got it bad at home. I won't go into detail but her and her son needed a break and I love the company and Bruce loves to cook for anyone who likes to eat. So a good time was had by all. Then on Sunday we went to the flea market. I love going to the flea market. I scored and got a Levi's jean jacket for five bucks. I needed it to go with my new hat. I did the feathers on my hat. I love my hat. I'm balding so a hat was the answer. My doctor said my hair will come back it's just falling out from malnutrition. Until it comes back the hat is staying.

Cheryl and Shane...

Shane in Bruce's boat. We are going to take him fishing soon.

Me in my hat.

Shane. What a cute kid!

Bruce and I at adopted daughter's wedding.

Me and my adopted daughter Toni and Bruce. It was Toni's wedding.

My life is going really good right now. Just a few minor things with Bruce and his eating habits. I am working on it and he is rebelling. I told him if he can't keep up with me I may have to trade him in for a younger one, he didn't like that too much. I guess I wouldn't like it either if it were reversed. I just feel so darn good and I want him to feel good and taking off a few pounds would do that for him. Ok, ok I will stop.

Breast Cancer

2009-04-16T06:32:00.000-07:00

I was doing OK. Better then OK, I was doing really, really good. One year out. Cancer free.

Then I got this phone call from my sister in Minnesota. Her oldest daughter, my niece, MaryAnn was diagnosed five years ago with Breast cancer. She had bi-lateral mastectomies with chemo and radiation. She is five years out and the cancer has metastasized to her liver. Four or five months is what she has left of her life.

I was told after five years you are considered free and clear. Wrong.

I am sad for MaryAnn. She can't stop crying. She is my age. We went on a blind date together once and it was very funny. We were fifteen going on twenty five.Breast cancer sucks.

I really need to find a lighter side to this. Going out to clear the webs of sadness out of my head. Fresh air and sunshine and good music here I come.

Thats two people...Candy and MaryAnn...

How many do you know?

Breast Cancer I am going to beat you right down, you will not take me , is my fucking attitude today. I am determined!

I am back to work full time. I was gone from work for seven months and in that seven months nothing has changed at work...nothing. Still rude nurses and poor service.

I was surprised yesterday by the reaction I had when my 85 year old patient died on me. I was on the med floor and was assigned a very difficult room with two old ladies who suffered dementia. I was putting the restraining mittens on her and she just quit moving...died. She had a red band on that states DNR. I just thought, thank god she died. Really, who wants to live like that? She didn't even know her own name. I had been with her all week and last week to. Watching the Doctors drain her bank account with worthless medical test. Her family hadn't been to visit her once while I was with her the last two weeks...I was happy she was gone.

My supervisor comes in and it's normal procedure to ask one how they are when you are with somebody who dies suddenly on you. I told her I was fine and I actually had prayed for her to die.

Bruce and I have a pact. When and if I do reach the ripe old age of 85, if I am out of my head and in outer space to shoot me. He promised me he would. I would not want to live like that ever.

I hate exercise. I absolutely hate it. I do it anyway. I know it is helping me. I am jogging now. I never thought I would be a jogger. For one, my boobs were always too big and in the way. Now I have these nice smaller ones and they don't get in my way. I am finding I like to run. I like to jog. It gets out all my anxiety and crap. There is something about it that just makes me feel better mentally and physically. So I am going to leave you and go out and jog in the sunshine with my favorite music playing in my ears and think about how blessed I am to be able to even do it.

I love you guys, my blogging family. I really do love you and I have good thoughts, energy when I think about you while I jog. Leo, JackieSue, all of you. Be well and take care.

This photo was taken ten months ago. I was shocked to see how unhealthy I look.

Bruce took this of me yesterday...I have come a long way baby!

Mother-In-Law

2009-03-30T04:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent the day with my mother-in-law. She needed me. You see she had a torn rotater cuff. She had surgery on February 13, 2009 to get it fixed. If you've been with me a while you know my mother-in-law. She is a strong, opinionated pushy woman. Never been down a day in her life. So for her to ask for help she had to be hurting.

And after my experience in Minnesota as a mother-in-law, and I did tell my daughter-in-law that someday this would come full circle because it always does and you have those enlightening moments of uh hu so this is how she felt, keeping that always in the back of my mind I was ready to go and give this wonderful lady all my help and to do it with a smile and happiness in my heart.

So yesterday I was keeping in mind to be a good daughter-in-law, respectful of my mother-in-law and all her years of wisdom and knowledge. Smile, be pleasant and very, very helpful.

And as I am on my hand and knees scrubbing her kitchen floor, and I mean scrubbing it, and this is only after I swept it twice and vacuumed it once...now I am washing it with spic and span for all I am worth and she is standing over me telling me I am not doing it right...

I need to spray it with this green cleaner to get the yellow out, the yellow that has been there for the last 50 fucking years and would take dynamite to get it out. But I just smile and say yes mom I will spray it and let it soak and breath in all these great fumes. So I spray it and I let it soak and poor Bruce is cleaning her bathroom so during the kitchen soaking stage she goes to supervise his cleaning of her bathroom. I hear from the bathroom, "Get the corners really good." This made me chuckle.

I took the opportunity while she was helping Bruce to finish the kitchen floor and put the furniture back and to pull the shade down so you couldn't see the yellow that would not come out. I was standing by the door and she walks in. "You see I told you the yellow would come out." Yes mom, you did. Bruce is standing behind her laughing.

I love this family. I really love my mother-in-law. She loves me. She would give me the shirt off her back if I needed it. You just smile and remember what is important...family. Someday she won't be here and I am really going to miss her. She is Bruce's mom. She raised him and he is basically a good man, a good husband.

Someday I am going to tell you about the day I had to help her get dressed and I had to help her put her panty hose on...now that was a funny day. And Bruce owes me big for that day.

Mom and her new great grand son Cole.

My sister Lee called me and she's found God again. Lee has spent her whole life trying to find God. She has dragged me to all kinds of church services through all kinds of faiths. Jewish was her last one, but now on Oprah she found a new one she is researching. She was so excited, I could hear it in her voice. "I found God."

Then she says to me we have to be responsible for each other. We should do something as a society to help people out. I just was quiet on the other end of the phone. I was shaking my head and just let her go on and on about people taking responsibility helping each other out...then I lost it. Hello Lee do you know who you are talking to? Do you know what I do for a living? Do you know what I have been doing my whole life? Do you know anything about me at all? My whole life I have been a care taker of others. My whole life has been in service to others. Child care, foster care mother, TBI councilor, baby sitter to you and your kids, now at the hospital I work at. Do not preach to me about taking care of others. Get out of your garage (her place of business, redoing furniture) and take care of others if you need to...to find God.

Lee & Me. Sisters who love and argue all the time. Someday I will tell you about the time she through me out of her house out on to the cold side walk of winter...we made up the next week.

I told her to have a great day and I smiled and hung up.

Sorry about the run on sentences...

Been Gone A While

2009-03-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

I've been gone a while. Missing in action. I feel like I am not worthy most of the time anyway because I neglect my friends here. I really don't mean to and it makes me feel bad. I am sorry. You all have been with me through so much, the good times and the hard times. I thank you. I love you. It's just that simple.

I've been home for almost 3 weeks. My daughter Boo has been with me the last week. She left this morning and she cried so hard. She has left several times from visits with me and never cried. This one was different. She is growing tired of good-byes. She wants to make a permanent home with no more good-byes. She is headed to Minnesota. I told her to stay put when she gets there. Make a home and I will come visit. Her friend Jason bumped a shelf and my little Native girl spirit guide fell and her wings broke off. Boo started crying harder and said that was a bad sign. "Oh no your spirit guide is broken." I made lite of it and said ya, but look at her face she is still smiling and I got the super glue out and Jason glued her wings on and you couldn't even tell she was broken. So it was good. I then gave her a hawk wing I had dried and said the Hawks will take care of her and I smudged her with sage smoke and we prayed for her safe journey. I am going to miss her something crazy. Of my children she holds me in her arms and loves me, really loves me as I am, imperfect and human. She respects my life and my knowledge. She truly loves me. She excepts me for me and there is no wall between us or conditions. It is a true mother, and child connection.

Awww damn I am so freakin emotional. My niece Terra told my daughter Amy..."you know how your mother is, those artist types are always emotional. I need to go have a good cry, get it out of my system. I am gonna miss that baby girl of mine something firece.

Candy McLeod

2009-02-26T09:21:00.000-08:00

My sister, my friend, Candy Mcleod died early this morning.

I went for a 4 mile walk today in her honor. She walked with me in spirit.

Saturday I am flying home. Saturday is my one year anniversary of being cancer free.

Love & Family

2009-02-23T08:20:00.000-08:00

"I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right"

~~Bob Dylan~~

That's the song going through my head. My precious time was still precious because I was spending most of it with my beautiful grand-daughter Piper who was innocent in all that has happened. I will never regret the time and hours I have shared with her. Her beautiful drools smile. Her laughter. Her love. I had to suffer some but what a pay off, time with this beautiful baby. We bonded. We have a heart connection. I love her and she loves me. She will remember her granny.

I've made my amends with Trina. She is a very tough cookie. She had to be growing up and so she still is a fighter and scraper. I just wish she would learn to balance it out more. Grand-ma's are not people you need to be fighting with. Grand-ma's are good. Grand-ma's mean no harm.

I think now in the end of my visit she is learning that. She had to find day care for Piper for when I leave here on Saturday the 28th of February. Monday Piper will go to day care. Not a center but a family day care. Trina went for the visit on Saturday and she said it was not perfect and somethings bothered her and she realized the luxury of having someone at home taking care of the baby. That is as close as a thank you as I am going to get. I can live with it.

She is the mother of my grand-daughter and she is my son's wife. I am trying in all my wisdom not to burn any bridges behind me. We had a big confrontation about a lot of stuff. Mostly about how she invaded my privacy and got into all my password protected stuff and this blog. She didn't like what was posted here. She shouldn't have been snooping. It's my blog. It's where I come to bitch. She gave me stuff to bitch about... I ended up apologizing for some of the rude things I said and then I deleted them to keep the peace. As of this writing I never received an apology for the invasion of my privacy and my deleted password. Oh well.

Travis had his surgery last Friday and all was a success. That was my main reason for coming out here to make sure he got his surgery. I think he will have great success at his weight loss. He had lost 21 pounds on the two weeks of liquids before the surgery. He came home off diabetic meds! His blood sugars have been normal. Yeah for that!

Anyway thanks guys for hanging in there with me. I am flying out of here Saturday morning at 7:46am should touch down in Hartford, CT around 1:15pm.

Say a prayer for a good flight...

I love you guys!

Nose Dive & Other Stuff

2009-01-24T16:04:00.000-08:00

Went for a walk last night with Trina. I hit a icy spot and I swear to god it was like a cartoon picture...my feet were going back and forth so fast and I was trying to catch my balance and I could feel myself falling forward and then it went in slow motion for me...all I could think of was save the new boobs. Do not land on the new boobs! Do not puncture the new boobs! They aren't even a year old and they are hardly used, so save the boobs! My arms shot out in front of me and absorbed the biggest part of the impact. I was laughing so hard when I hit the ground. Trina kept asking me are you OK? I could tell by the sound of her voice she was scared I had hurt myself but I told her if I had hurt myself I wouldn't be laughing this hard. I didn't even knock the wind out of my sails because I was laughing so hard.

Today my arms feel like I have been weight lifting. Muscles hurt. My back hurts and my left ribs hurt. But hey the boobs are intact and good! Damn I'm glad it was dark and no body saw me fall. when I told Bruce the story he said "save the ta ta's." great minds think a like. :)))

That was a day ago. I was watching Rocky and he got up and ran those stairs and I thought if Rocky can do it you can do it so get off your ass and go. Today it's minus 25 but I put on my long underwear, my ski mask, my big boots, my warm jacket with fur hood up and I went walking. I asked my son to come with but he said hell no it's too cold. Hello, you live in Minnesota, it's fucking cold here and you had better get used to it if you ever want to go out side. So this 55 year old woman went out and walked 3 miles. Coming home I walked right past their house and just kept walking...I was deep in thought when I looked up and realized I had walked right past their house. Maybe my subconscious was saying you really don't want to go back there do?, you just keep walking.

Mr. Bruce has booked a flight out for me. I am flying home April 2, 2009. It can't come soon enough. My son's surgery was approved and he is meeting with his surgeon on Monday and they will give him a surgery date. Sometime the end of February. Yeah baby! I informed them both I am leaving here on April 2, 2009. I was supposed to be here until May but cut it as short as I could.

Don't get me wrong I love my kids dearly. I raised them to be good human beings. Basically they are good...just not to me. Sad. It was a very rude awakening this trip. Those of you who have been reading me for a few years know the heartache I had at being torn in two. Always wanting to come home to Minnesota but not wanting to leave Bruce and his family. It took this trip and these months out here to show me you can never go home again. I have been here 3 months and my daughter Amy called me for the first time today. I have called her almost daily leaving messages. She has call ID so I know she knows it's me. This hurts. I can't even begin to say how it hurt me the way I was so unappreciated by my son and his lovely wife. My baby Boo calls me every three days and we get along so good. She is staying in Maine. She said to me "Mom you need to take care of you and if your not happy there you need to come back home." How can a mom have three kids and only be appreciated by one of them? They were all raised the same. I don't get it.

Any way I am counting down to April 2, 2009. It can't come soon enough. I will miss Piper and my sister Lee the most. They have been the kindest to me.

As of this writing I have gone from 235 pounds to 154 pounds. My blood pressure was 100/60, my blood sugar was 80...I am healthier, the numbers prove it. Yeah me!

Today

2009-01-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

Crap I am feeling so emotional. I feel like I did right before I used to get my period. I haven't had a period in 2 years so why are my hormones running a muck and toying with my emotions?

This morning I wanted to kill, hurt and maim. This afternoon I want to hide in my cave and cry. Crap. Crap. Double crap. It's only Tuesday.

I got my primary care Doctor's orders in the mail the other day and I had a lab appointment at my son's doctor's office yesterday. I got there and the lab people couldn't make out the orders for metabolic make up. I explained that I had a Gastric by-pass and he wants to check out my nutrition and how my body is reacting to starving basically. Had I been home I would have had at least three doctor's appointments since my surgery to see how my body is doing. This is just blood work. The lab people then ask me what is my doctor's name? I say isn't it on the orders? How do you say it? Dr. Ro. RO (Row) She tells her assistant to punch it in and see if he is in the system...hello dumb ass he won't be in your system because as I have told you now three times I came from Massachusetts to help my son for a few months and I need some blood work done while I am here. The movie Fargo comes to mind eh!

It ends up I have to make a new appointment for Saturday so they can call Dr. Ro and ask him what he means by metabolic work up. Lab person assures me they will have it all figured out by Saturday. I'm not feeling so secure in their ability to understand anything.

The Weekend

2009-01-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

The weekends are long here. I try to stay in the basement but there is no natural light. The windows have all been blocked with wood from the previous owners afraid of break ins. Trina and I tried to take some of the wood down but the guy used security screws. Those are screws you can screw in but can't screw back out.

The basement is fully finished with tile floors and a drop ceiling, if I could just get the wood off the windows to get some natural light it would be great.

Trina came home last Friday with a surprise for me. I came up the stairs and she said I have a present for you...she pulls out a really nice pair of size 14 jeans she got at Target. She grabs me and hugs me and tells me how sorry she is for the other morning. I was flabbergasted. The jeans fit perfect. Hey from a size 24 to a 14. All my clothes are too big for me so to get a size that actually fit was nice. I thanked her and as for the apology I accepted it. Hopefully we will get along better in the future.

My sister-in-law Candy is under Hospice care now. I had to find out from the hospital grapevine. A co-worker text me to say she was sorry about Candy and I had no idea what she was talking about, and she said about Candy in hospice. I thanked her for telling me and I called Bruce to ream his ass out for not telling me. He had good reasons, worried about me and how far away I am. I wrote Candy a letter telling her how much she means to me and how much I am going to miss her and that I will always remember her. I sent it e-mail so she would get it through her husband Brian right away. I just needed to say good bye.

Then when I was done I was talking myself into going for a walk outside. It is cold here. It is like the 17th day in a row for below zero weather. Then I thought about Candy. She is my Hero. I thought she would give anything to go for a walk so get off your lazy ass and take your walk. I walked 3 miles and I felt so good doing it. I just need to keep it up everyday. It's -30 here today and snowing but Bruce sent me my snow pants and I have the gear for cold weather outing now so no excuses...just do it.

The reason I am here and the only thing that matters right now, Piper is calling me...later dudes.

Minnesota

2009-01-05T10:46:00.000-08:00

Sister Lee
Lee and grand-son Ben
Sliding...
Niece Chloe' and Dawn and below human Popsicles...Lee, Chloe', me and Carl

Taking care of Piper is why I came out here and the rest of stuff is just gravy.

I'm having a good time for the most part. I just spent 5 days in Duluth playing in the snow. The picture above was taken at the Warmer By The Lake festival. There was a storm coming in off of Lake Superior and the wind chill was -50. A good frozen time was had by all. I am the one in orange and the rest are my nieces.

I'm back in Minneapolis taking care of Piper and sometimes the days are very long. I'd forgotten what it was like to stay home and take care of a baby...Bless all the young moms out there.

This week-end will suck because I am stuck here. I wish I had a car and a job. I do have those things just not here. I guess I should just sit back and enjoy these months off before too long I will be complaining about work.

I have lost 65 pounds but right now hit a spot weight were I seem to be staying. My hair is falling out by the handfuls. You can lose 40 to 50 percent of your hair, no one told me that before the surgery. So I just pick it up and throw it in the garbage. O well, it's only hair and hopefully it will grow back.

I'm taking more vitamins and herbs then Heinz has pickles. Every 2 hours, three or four supplements. Extra B12, D, C and horsetail, garlic and some stuff I can't spell.

It's hard to get on line here because I have to use my son's computer which he is pretty touchy about. Don't do this, don't do that...

Just wanted to write a small blog and I have...

Sorry...

2008-10-29T06:29:00.000-07:00

I am really sorry for neglecting this blog and all my friends here. It's been a tough few months.

The good news is I've been in Minnesota since Sunday and so far so good.Piper is the best baby. She never cries. Always greets me with a big toothless smile.

My son upon meeting me at the airport didn't recognize me. "Mom you don't look like you, you are so tiny. I've been called a lot of things in my life but tiny was never one of them. As to date I have lost 55 pounds. My son is meeting with his gastric-by-pass team Dec. 1, 2008. Seeing me doing so well has encouraged him. I told him the surgery will save his life. I am so glad I can be here to help him.

Awww Piper is calling me and that is why I am here...

I wonder how Bruce is living it up without me?

I Spoke Too Soon

2008-10-13T04:59:00.000-07:00

I spoke too soon. I was running a low grade fever. My primary care doc said to come in. I went in. I gave blood and urine. Doc tells me you have a UTI from being catheterized from surgery. OK. He puts me on Cipro for 5 days...500 mg once in the morning and once at night.

After 5 days I become deathly ill. Admit right to the hospital ill. 102.9 fever ill. Want to die ill. C-diff ill.

This is the second time I have gotten this illness from antibiotics. Seems from now until the rest of my life I can't take antibiotics without a course of treatment for C-diff first and probiotics.

The 7 days I was in the hospital I was under quarantine. My doc didn't visit me once. Not once. Do you know why? I do. Assfuck. I blew out 5 IV lines and was not a model patient. Because of breast removal and lymph node removal I'm what they call a hard stick. They can't touch my right arm at all so you can imagine my left arm...if not here are some photos. I got home yesterday and I'm so weak and nauseated and my hair is falling out by the handfuls and I'm not a real happy camper right now. I have tied a knot in my rope and I'm hanging on.

Two Weeks Out

2008-09-25T14:30:00.001-07:00

So it's been a while. I've been recouping. I am losing about eight pounds a week. The biggest thing is I am never hungry anymore. No appetite. I was on five or six meds and now I am down to two. No more diabetes. I am walking two miles a day and I am getting on my bike. I feel great this week.

I got by with the micro...five tiny, tiny incisions and they did the whole gastric by-pass. The incisions healed with no infection because the diabetes was gone. I am feeling so good that Monday I can go back to work.

Yesterday I gave away four big bags of my clothes. They no longer fit. I've gone down three sizes. Yeah!

Thanks to all who check on me...it touches my heart and soul and when I am out on my walks I think about all you good people and I try my hardest to send you love through the cosmos. I have been blessed.

Magnesium Citrate

2008-09-08T06:52:00.000-07:00

Day before surgery. Instructions read drink 10 oz. bottle of Magnesium Citrate. Failure to follow this prep will result in your surgery being cancelled.

I've gone through hell to get this surgery. Six months of classes, a psychiatric evaluation that I thought I would fail but didn't, kudos for me! Then I had to put it on hold for 7 months because of breast cancer, breast surgery, breast reconstructive surgery, got back on track...2 more visits to the doctors and 2 more visits to the nutritionist and then 2 weeks of protein shakes which ended yesterday on a gagging note.

Which leads me up to today and this fucking bottle of Magnesium Citrate. This 10 oz. bottle that I can't seem to drink. This lousy $1.99 bottle of clear pleasing lemony flavored Magnesium Citrate...

Because I know how I am going to spend this day if I drink this.

As for how me and Bruce are doing, I told him I would drive myself to the hospital tomorrow.

Now off I go to stand over the kitchen sink to see if I can choke this down...UGH!

Eighty-Seven Porn Sights

2008-09-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

I worked yesterday and while I was at work my husband visited 87 porn sights. How much time did that take? Eight hours probably. How do I know this? My brand new computer has the same virus my old computer had. WinSpyWare virus from porn sights. And he didn't erase his history, left it right there for me to find.

He bought this computer on August 10th. Not even a month ago.

How do I feel? My eyes are so dry from crying.

I don't care about the Internet or using the computer.

This was about trust, honor, integrity and my faith in my best friend. How could he do this a fourth time? How could he do this so soon after just healing from the last time?

I am so embarrassed. I am in shock. I am not even going to post this on my space were Bruce children can read this. Shannon would be so upset that her dad is such a pervert.

This is beyond dumb ass, beyond stupid.

I am such a fool. My daughter Amy said it is time to leave.

I have this huge surgery coming up next Tuesday. Gastric By-pass. My daughter Boo will be here.

I need all my strength to get through this. My self esteem is in the toilet. I lack something that my husband needs. It's my fault. What am I not doing for him to meet his needs that he has to keep looking at porn on line?

I have lost my respect for my best friend. I have lost faith and trust. What do I have left? Fuck. What do I have left?

My Little Piper

2008-08-25T12:48:00.001-07:00

She is going to be a red head like her daddy. Dark auburn. I love that. She is 5 weeks old. I am going home in November to finally meet her. My youngest BooBoo is moving out here the first week in September and she will ride home with me in November. I can hardly wait!

Harry Potter fan.

Dinner

2008-08-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

I decided to keep up the blog and the 'lurker' can go screw herself.

Saturday night we went out for my 'last supper'. We went with Sue & Bill. I don't know about everyone else but I had the best time! We went to the Olive Garden. Bruce & I went there on our first real date.

We, Bruce & I talked about how much fun that first date was and he said to me "It's where I fell in love with you, a woman brave enough to order spaghetti and meatballs on a first date is the woman for me."

Sue didn't smile much. I don't know what her problem was. She did have her wedding rings on. I commented on it. It's nice to see you wearing your wedding rings again. She hadn't worn them all summer long. I think that had something to do with Bruce telling her he had no feelings for her maybe.

Bill was delightful. He was funny and witty. Bruce and I laughed at all his jokes but Sue didn't. I don't know why. She should pay more attention to him he is a great guy, not as funny or as cute as Bruce but that's her problem not mine.

I had the never ending pasta bowl with angel hair pasta and Alfredo sauce with Italian sausage. It was sooo good! Then I had this chocolate pie for desert. It was yummy.

Then I suggested we go back to their house for a mid-night swim. Bruce and I had so much fun swimming. Sue and Bill watched. They got in the pool and just sat there. Didn't move. Bruce and I sang a song from Grease as we swam. The song was Summer Love had me a blast, summer love happened so fast, he showed up splashing around...yes we were that sickening, I thought I was going to throw up.

Bruce and I had a great time and I think we got our message across...

Now for me it's day one of the liquid diet. Four slim fast today. Today is also the first day off of diabetic medicine. Whooooopie! No more diabetic medicine. Now I must go walking...later dudes!

I just talked to JackieSue and she was on her way to the doctors. Seems her blood pressure is running a little high. That woman has been the best friend to me, for many years now. She is always there when I need her, granted she is always on her way out the door somewhere but we get in what we have to. Maybe it's the job that's giving her high blood pressure.

I will definitely say some prayers to the great universe and burn some sage with healthy thoughts to you my friend.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

2008-08-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

I won't be posting here much unfortunately. This will be my last post now that I've been found out by Pat or Patty. I wondered who was leaving comments then deleting them. She finally left a comment about Sue Rood. Said she's been 'lurking' and could no longer keep quiet. Lurking is a scary word. Stalking is what it feels like.

Yes, there is history there. She was married to one of Bruce's best friends, then got divorced and a whole bunch of drama followed and yadda, yadda and I just didn't care to be in the middle of her drama with this other woman and it's been great blogging without her, but she's found me and now I'm off.

I just had a weird thought...seems Bruce's friends are all a little wacky. Or maybe it's me...naw, it's them. :)

She can't follow me on myspace. So if ya'll want to keep hanging out with me head on over. I have to add you as friend because I have it set to private. So Leo, Buddha Girl come on over...

Jackie is already there and so is Duff so it's all good.

Love you guys.

Now I have to gather my thoughts about my romantic dinner and mid night swim last night to write about it...It was a hoot.

MySpace URL:

http://www.myspace.com/nmcraven

For Jackie

2008-08-22T21:16:00.001-07:00

Little Piper in an outfit Auntie Jackie got her, I loved the shoes!

Secret Blog

2008-08-22T08:41:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting in his office and there is a light knock at the door, come in I answer. In comes this beautiful East Indian doctor who I recognized right away. She says Nancy, do you remember me, I assisted Dr. Mason with your double mastectomies. Yes, I do remember you. She says , when I heard you were here I just had to come in to see your new boobs. So I lift my shirt and I show her. She says they are beautiful. What a great job Dr. Melissa did. Then she says why are you here, you look wonderful, you don't need this surgery.

Awww thanks, but I have type 2 diabetes and I can't control it with exercise and diet. I have tried. I have already lost 20 pounds and my diabetes is still running wild. So yes I do need this surgery.

She goes out and talks to Dr. Kuhn. They both come in. Dr. Kuhn says you are quite the celebrity here. He gives me his whole speech about the surgery. Doc, we've been here before remeber? Three days before I was going to do this I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Yes, and you've done fantastic and you are still smiling. But you understand you will be surgically altered for the rest of your life? I stand up and I lift my shirt up and I say Doc, I have no nipples...I would say I'm already surgically altered for life, wouldn't you?
He laughs and says that is what everyone is talking about, your attitude. Upbeat and comical.

I told him Doc, I have my share of dark moments, but I have outlets for those moments and those outlets are my many friends and family. They pull me through. Like Shannon's boob cake...that was the best gift on that day, and Toni washing my hair, and Sarah calling and texting me to see how I am and Bruce always supporting me, and all the good stuff from the people at work and Brian and Candy coming over and bringing Sissy to see me. It's hard to dwell in sadness when I have so many great people who care about me. Not to mention my secret blog and all thos wonderful friends I have there. (this is my secret blog)

So he said, I think you will do just fine with this surgery and then he asked me to lie on the table. He was on one side and she was on the other. He lifts my shirt and looks at the other doctor...do you see what I mean, you can see her ribs where they end, most of my paitients you can't even feel their ribs. This will be an easy surgery for me I can see where everything is...

It felt good to hear him say that.

And now I have to get ready for work...

Sue Rood (Rude)

2008-08-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

So you have been following my drama with Sue Rood, Bruce's childhood friend who happens to be obsessed with him. I left off on Friday when she called me once and him twice to leave a message for me right?

I work second shift so when I get home around midnight Bruce is sleeping and we don't talk because he is sleeping, then when he gets up at 6am he is very quiet because I am sleeping. We don't really get to talk to each other until the week-end.

Yesterday right before work I get a call it's Sue Rude. I say ya, what do you want? (thinking, my husband) She said I was just calling to apologize, it must have hurt you so much to know what Bruce and I talked about? I am thinking OK, what the fuck is she talking about now? Then she says "Didn't Bruce tell you we talked last night?" She says it with a tone that says oh Bruce is keeping secrets from you about me because he truly loves me kinda snotty voice. I answer her "No, he was sleeping naked in my bed and wanted to make hot slutty love to me, when I got in naked, he loves my 16 year old boobs! and nothing else when I got home." and we didn't talk about you so what?

I got nothing on the other end. Silence. So I am grinning ear to ear at the silence. I shut the cow up.

Sue regains her composer. Oh well we talked about...I rudely cut in...Listen Sue I have to get going, but I would like to tell you that I have a surgery date September 9th. Bruce and I would like to go out to dinner with you and Bill Saturday night for my last supper. She says oh we would love to. Then I say, I have to run we can talk about this Saturday when Bruce is with us OK? And I hang up.

I called Bruce after and I asked him did you talk to Sue again? Oh ya he said and he told me about her conversation with him. He told me he told her she didn't stand a snowballs chance in hell with him. He told her he loves me with all his heart. He told her I make him happier then he's ever been. And then he told me she was on the other line calling him. Of course he didn't answer the beep, he was talking to the woman he loves.

The woman just doesn't get it.

Saturday Bruce said he is going to give her an eye full. PDA (public dispaly of affection, towards me. Rubbing salt into her love wounds.) He is also going to tell Bill about all the phone calls and all the crap she has said. Bill doesn't seem to know about Sue's phone calls. Cell phones are wonderful in that you can save everything on them, dates and times and even conversations. Of course he won't do this until after we have had a wonderful romantic dinner.

I can't wait. Evil grin.

This Song Says It All For Me!

2008-08-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

City by the Lake 2008

Words & Music by John Heino

Northbound I-35, savoring the Thompson Hill view
Senses coming alive, drinking in the blue on blue
I’m gonna take a long walk by the shore
Let the waves work their magic once more
I can’t tell you what a difference it makes
To be back in the City By the Lake

Grandma’s deck in the sun, ore boat under the bridge
Seagulls keeping close watch, eyein’ my cheesy prime rib
I’m gonna catch a show at Sacred Heart
Get inspired and maybe make some art
I can’t tell you what a difference it makes
To be back in the City by the Lake

I’ve been gone such a long time, I think I lost my place
Now I know that I belong here in the City by the Lake

Saturday afternoon, Blues ‘n’ Things on the air
Jim Hall growlin’ a tune, homegrown musical fare
Belly up with the Brewhouse crowd
For a burger and an Oatmeal Stout
I can’t tell you what a difference it makes
To be back in the City by the Lake

I graduated with John, the writer of this song. We recently reconnected and reminisced about Duluth, the city by the lake.

Life is coming together for me in so may places right now and I am happy to be alive. I have a surgery date...September 9, 2008. After that there will be no stopping me from achieving the life I want.

I am going home to the city by the lake and I am going to see my grand-daughter grow up and help in her raising. I'm going to hang out with my kids and bike ride with my sister. I have so much to look forward to. I thank you Creator for this sunshine after so many storms, I thank you.

I will miss my extended family out here. I will miss Taryn the most. She makes me laugh like not even Bruce can. But I know she has the best mom and dad and she has wonderful grandparents on both sides to watch out for her and as she grows she can come stay with me a few weeks every year during the summer. We can make this all work out because we love each other.

After my surgery I have 6 weeks to heal, no diabetes so that should go smoothly. Maybe go home for Christmas, we will see. But my future is looking good.

I am feeling very optimistic right now and I haven't felt that way in so long, what a great feeling.

More Thoughts...

2008-08-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

Try and follow my thoughts on the last few days. The picture above are the Roods. Sue & Bill. Sue has known Bruce since childhood. They were next door neighbors.

Bruce and I are planning on going away for the week-end. We are going to New Hampshire to celebrate his Auntie's 80th birthday. Leaving Friday. (the 15th, last Friday)

Thursday afternoon (the 14th) I get a call from Sue. She is distraught to the point of I cannot understand her. You all know the history I have with this woman. She hates me. But anyway let me get back to the phone call...She knows I work for the Psychiatric Department baby sitting , so if you call me at work and tell me you're in crisis don't expect me to sit on my thumbs and do nothing. So I tell her to calm down, blow her nose and to quit crying for a few minutes to tell me whats going on? I should have hung up on her, but nooooo my compassionate nature takes over.

She tells me she wants to kill herself. Wants to end it all. Can't take the pain of living anymore. I ask her "Do you have a plan?" She answers "Yes, I am taking all of my pills tomorrow while I am alone in the house for the day." Which would be Friday. The day Bruce and are supposed to go away together.

I tell her to hang on and not to do anything. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. I tell her she needs to contact her doctor and to tell him how she is feeling. She promises she will. I hang up and I call Bruce to tell him what happened. (remember this part about me calling Bruce)

So I finish up my shift and go home and go to bed. Bruce says good-night I love you and that is my Thursday.

I get up Friday morning because I took the day shift. 7 to 3 so we could leave right after work to go to New Hampshire. I'm at work and it's now 8:30am and I am thinking about Sue and what she said she would do today. I think to myself go talk to the psych nurses on 2 south locked unit they all like you. So I go up to South 2 and I talk to my favorite psych nurse and I tell her the whole Bill and Sue and Bruce story. She looks at me and smiles. "Nancy you are being manipulated by a master. She wants you to call Bruce whom she loves and she hopes will come rescue her." Me...duh! It never crossed my mind that she was up to no good. Psych nurse, "she is still sick if she is doing stuff like that."

So I call Sue and no one answers. Her answering machine comes on. So I think OH No she's done it, taken all her pills. Sue had told me who her doctor was and so I had the unit secretary get me his number and I called him up. "Did Sue call you?" He answers no. So I tell him about her phone call to me and what she had said about killing herself. He calls the police to go to her house to check on her.

She got the police instead of Bruce. Hahahahahahaha. Evil shit eating grin on my face.

So I call Bruce and tell him what I did. He then tells me "Oh ya, she called me last night." And you forgot to tell me? Dumb ass! "Ya, she called me and asked me if I had feelings for her? And what did you answer her? "Hell no!" he said. The she proceeded to ask him all these questions of why he did this or that when it came to her and blah, blah ,blah.

When we were both home from work getting ready to leave for New Hampshire my phone rings and I can see it is Sue. I don't answer. Then Bruce's phone rings and it's her and I tell him if he answers it he is going to go to New Hampshire alone so he doesn't pick up. She calls his phone a second time, this time leaves a message that she's trying to call me. OK, then call me and leave me the message. Don't call my husband twice fucktard. I am so on to you and your game is up.

Bruce's mom...

tells me I should forget the whole thing because they (the Roods) will always be a part of the family and will still be at all the holidays. Fuck it. Fuck them. Fuck having to be nice to them because they are old family friends.

I'm not making nice anymore. I refuse.

Questions and Answers

2008-08-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

1. What is your occupation right now?
I'm a guard dog for a small hospital working in the ED, mostly baby sitting drunks.

2. What color are your socks right now?
I'm bare foot right now.

3. What are you listening to right now?
The voice in my head, the good one that tells me not to hurt him...

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
Garlic chicken wings.

5. Can you drive a stick shift?
Nope, to many moving parts and the hills are the worst.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Bruce and I thanked him for being an asshole.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
I stole this but the person I stole it from I like.

8. How old are you today?
54

9. What is your favourite sport to watch?
Hockey, I love when they throw down their gloves and fight!

10. What is your favourite drink?
Tall dark and handsome...

12. What is the last movie you watched?
War of The Worlds with Tom Oddball Cruise.

13.Favorite day of the year?
This year it was the day my grand-daughter was born!

14. How do you vent anger?
Like most bears I write about it. Then I stew, then I rip someone a part by packing up and leaving while he is at work...did I think that out loud? It's just a thought...

15. What was your favourite toy as a child?
The great out doors...

16. What is your favorite season?
Autumn

17. Cherries or Blueberries?
Blueballs I uh I mean blueberries.

18. Do you want your friends to add this meme to their blogs?
If they want.

19. Who is the most likely to respond?
Have no idea

20. Who is least likely to respond?
Lazy people, it takes work to do these things!

21. Living arrangements?
I live in a two bedroom apartment with a bald guy who is getting on my last nerve.

22.When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday on the way home from New Hampshire thinking about leaving the East Coast...

23. What is on the floor of your closet?
My pajamas and my motorcycle helmet.

24. Who is the friend you have had the longest ?
The one I don't talk to anymore, does that count?

25 What did you do last night?
Nothing I was exhausted from week-end in New Hampshire.

26. What inspires you?
Been a long time since anything has inspired me spiritually.

27. What are you most afraid of?
Bruce's pain when he realizes I am not fooling around and he finds himself alone.

28. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
Spicy Cheese burgers.

29. Favourite dog breed?
German Shepherds.

30. Favourite day of the week?
Monday cuz Bruce is working and I have the place to myself.

31. How many states have you lived in?
Minnesota, Rhode Island, CT, and MA.

My Thoughts This Fine August Morning...

2008-08-14T04:45:00.000-07:00

I have heard this several times in my life time...if you can make it through the seven year mark in a marriage the rest is down hill. If Bruce lives through this seventh year of marriage he will truly be a blessed man. What the hell happens to a man after six years of being the most wonderful husband? Why in the seventh year does he turn into a complete perfect asshole?

I'm just starting to get over the computer thing when this morning I am sound a sleep and Bruce sits by my head butt naked and farts. He starts laughing and being so rudely awakened I'm saying "Jesus Christ" I roll over and mumble "I remember a time when you treated me with more respect." He asked "What did you say?" I replied "Nothing."

He leaves the room. I am so glad he works first shift and I work second because if I had to spend anymore time with him right now I might rip his face off. He is so getting on my last nerve like pig shit on my new boots.

This bad behavior started when our sex life resumed. When I started to really feel better. My shoulders no longer hurt from bra straps. I have no fat rolls under my arms, sleek and smooth. I stand up straighter. I'm just feeling really good now, better then I have in a long, long time.

Now I have to tell the rest of the story. JackieSue and BuddhaGirl know this part already but no one else does so here it goes...

In a few short weeks I am having a micro gastric by-pass. Dr. Kuhn is my doctor for this. I have had to go to classes to learn how to eat 6 meals a day. Every two hours. I have gone to countless meetings and had a zillion appointments with a nutritionist. The thing is I am the smallest person this doctor has done one of these on. He's doing it to cure my type 2 diabetes. I am having a real problem with my blood sugar. Since the breast cancer it has been running in the 200 hundreds. Doc thinks this will cure it and I will be off diabetes meds before I leave the hospital. Last Friday I was cleared to have surgery. I should get a date any day now. The only thing he worried about is the weight loss...because I am not morbidly obese I could lose too much weight. I don't care I just want this diabetes to go away. I will be so happy, no more meds and checking my sugars ever!

The other thing is my insurance has okayed it and they have okayed the tummy tuck afterwards. I didn't even ask for the tummy tuck, my doctor is the one who told me. So Doc Melissa who did my new boobs is doing the tummy tuck, she will at the same time do my new nipples with the skin she takes for the tuck.

I think Bruce is acting up because I will be a new woman. Firm boobs, flat tummy. I think this worries him. It worries me. But I'm not acting like an ass yet so he shouldn't either. Because I tell ya if he keeps this shit up it will deteriorate pretty fast. Every time he does something my respect for him wanes. And when you lose the respect you got nothing.

Another thing is as soon as my hospital affiliates with someone our assets will be un frozen and I will be able to collect my money in the retirement fund and I am leaving here. The program they set up for us (per Diem people) because we get no benefits was this...in 2005 they set aside $3000.00 to start, for every 1000 hours you worked they matched that with another $3000.00. So now it's 2008 and I have some money there.

Bruce has told me for the last seven years he would move to Minnesota with me. He has always said it but never shown anything like saving for it, to me. Then with the selling of his motorcycle and he just blew the money when he said he would give it to me to go home...well that spoke volumes to me. So I think he knows after my surgeries are done I am so out of here...and this scares him. The man hates change.

Me being strong again is a change...

The picture is of my home town, Duluth, Minnesota. Sitting on the tip of Lake Superior. Home of the Great Iron Ore Docks. Take me home country roads, take me home...

Ricki Joy

2008-08-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

August is a hard month for me. Today is the anniversary of Ricki's death. August 11, 2003 at 11:15 pm. Five years. In loving memory Ricki, always with love.

Your baby brother Travis and his wife Trina had their first born daughter. You would have been Auntie Ricki. I hear you laughter at being called Auntie Ricki and it makes me smile.

Bruce

2008-08-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

The one thing I have always counted on was Bruce's word. What he said was the truth, always. He has never lied to me in the last 8 years. He always told the truth even if it hurt. I had the greatest amount of respect for him for that reason.

This last week he has lied to me twice.

He told me a while back, at least twice, that when he sold his bike he was giving me the money from the sale to go home. He sold his bike yesterday. When I asked him about giving it to me to go home I got a lot of yadda yadda yadda .

Then today I wasn't feeling the greatest and we were at BJ's. I stayed in the car. My phone rings...bad to the bone by George...that is Bruce's ring. Anyway I answer it. Ya what's up? Hi, there's a great deal on a computer here for $350.00, with an immediate $50.00 dollar rebate. OK and will this be only my computer or will we both use it? It will be your computer. OK.

He buys the computer.

We get home and I set it all up and he informs me he's using it to. An argument ensues.

It ends with me telling him to shove his computer up his ass and I will get mine, which he broke, fixed.

Please understand if this weren't his 3rd fuck up with downloading a nasty virus...
and because of that I lost over 500 music files, all my picture files, all my writing files, all my LeMay family history files, my art files and a whole bunch of other stuff.
I'm a little pissed and a whole lot disappointed in Bruce.

I could always count on him for the truth...

What Are The Odds?

2008-08-06T09:42:00.012-07:00

First some cute pictures of Piper...And my finished quilt...

What are the odds I would make it on line 2 days in a row?

Yesterday I wrote Jackie an e-mail explaining everything. Didn't have time for a blog.

I am at odds with many things in my life right now. Husband being my number one oddity right now...ha! I made a joke.

Jackie sent me a baby package for Piper and I got that mailed off Monday with my finished quilt. It cost me $30.82 to mail the package priority mail. That quilt weighed a ton. JackiSue sent such a beautiful package with lot of cute outfits and head bands and this really cute pair of pink sneakers. Thank you my friend, thank you.

I have to run to work right now and when I get my computer fixed I will visit all of you and catch up.

Baby Piper Eleanore

2008-07-14T23:00:00.001-07:00

This is the beginning, and below is a few hours later.
Piper was stubborn and finally on Saturday, July 12, 2008 she came into the world by C-section. The doctors broke Trina's water on Friday the 11th at around 11:00 AM. She was in labor for hours but didn't dilate past 5. By Saturday morning the doctors couldn't wait any longer for the safety of the baby and decided to do a c- section. Her name is Piper Eleanore, she weighed in at 7 pounds 14 oz. she was 20 inches long. I can't wait to get home to hold her.

No Baby Yet

2008-07-11T02:43:00.000-07:00

No baby yet. She is taking her sweet time. Last night she was only dilated to 2. Travis promised me he would call me and send pictures as soon as she gets here.

These are poems I wrote for Travis years ago.

When you were very, very small
I used to dance with you cradled in my arms.
You were my precious son
and holding you close
love overwhelmed me.

I dreamed what kind of life you would lead.
What would be your first words, your first job...

(Remember cold snowy mornings I helped you
deliver news papers, your first job.
I loved the alone time with you.)

I dreamed of what kind of man you would be.
And if your life would take you far from me...
And now I am the one who's life has taken me far from you.

And I'd hold you even closer,
giving you an extra kiss,
an extra hug.
And whispering "I love you" one more time.

Knowing you were too small to remember.
But, praying you would never forget.

There are days when I long to hold you
in my arms and dance once again.
My love for you still overwhelms me.

As we both grow older
please never forget
what you were too small...
to remember.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes Travis when I watched you climb rocks
I didn't see the determination in your eyes-
only your clumsiness and ripped jeans
from the fall you took.

I was thinking torn jeans.
You were thinking mountains.

Sometime Travis when you rode your bike and
raced jumping curbs in playful danger,
I didn't see the bravery in your deed-
only the impending fall and injury.

I was thinking emergency room.
You were thinking power and speed.

Sometimes Travis when a grade was slipping
and I feared failure, I didn't see
the other grades that were super-
only the bad one.

I was thinking it was my failure.
You were just thinking.

Some twenty years have come and gone,
and you have grown to be a young man.
I can see the power of your dreams,
the height of your optimism and
the speed of your accomplishments.

Sometimes I just didn't see.

But I can see now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope when he holds his daughter for the first time he realizes (moment of enlightenment) how much I truly love him.

My Hospital & Other Stuff

2008-07-10T05:13:00.000-07:00

My hospital is in deep shit trouble. Seems the CEO and two of his buddies who were also on the board were helping themselves to money that did not belong to them. The CEO got lung cancer and had to step down in January.

The new guy who stepped in discovered what a mess we are in. If we don't make a 8 million dollar payment on August 1, 2008 we will be closing our doors. They let 80 people go immediately. Trimming the fat he called it.

Another big hospital in Hartford, CT might buy us.

"They" spent the employee retirement fund. Criminal charges are being filed.

I still have my job. For how long I don't know.

Census is being kept low. The med floors can each hold about 30 patients, they are keeping the census to 15 each. Times are very scary for people who have been there a very long time, over 30 years. I've only been there 5 years and I feel very fortunate that I got the ring now.

Good news of the day, my son Travis is having his first baby, well not him but his wife Trina is having their first baby today. She is being induced. It's a good thing I sewed most of the day yesterday. Below is a picture of the quilt I am making. I had no pattern just made it up as I went. I hope they like it.

My favorite squares are the monkeys. You notice the Boston Red Sox one? Travis loves the Red Sox.

We, Bruce and I are headed to Maine for the week-end. His Auntie and Dad live up there. Auntie has a very nice pool and I have a lovely swimsuit to wear. I really need this week-end get away. We are bringing our tent and blow up mattress to sleep outside. Bruce and I love the great outdoors. We may even go swim in the ocean.

Have a wonderful day and a great week-end!

Love and Hugs to everyone!

Intimacy After Breast Cancer

2008-07-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

Bruce and I were very sexual before breast cancer. We truly love one another. We averaged intimacy at least three to four times a week.

After the diagnose of breast cancer it went down to zero. So from February until now we have had no intimacy. Six months of no touching. I went on line to research this subject, to see if anyone felt the way I did. I felt I had lost more then my breasts. I lost my femininity. I feel so unattractive. I'm tired. I hurt. The scars. The infections. me me me me me.

But this didn't just happen to me. It happened to Bruce to. I didn't get his side of it. His take on it. After this week-end I have.

He's just so happy that I am alive and I will be around to go fishing with.

He always was trying to touch me and I would pull away. He was always trying to see me naked and I would cover up and get angry, don't look at me I am ugly. I felt if he saw me he would love me less because of the scars and no jiggle.

I was the one turning him away. Me.

So Saturday I didn't. I was scared. Fear doesn't cover it. Terrified does.

I didn't want the lights on. He did. We compromised on candles.

He touched my scars and he kissed them. I could not feel his touch or kisses because that whole area is numb to the touch. I could not feel him but I could see him, his face, the way he looked. He did not look repulsed by what he saw or touched. He looked like a man glad to be touching his wife again.

We connected slowly and painfully. We had to change some things, but change is good sometimes. He talked while he touched me, which he never did before. He was telling me how soft my skin was and how beautiful I am.

We are finding our way through this breast cancer. We are finding our way back to each other.

Let me just say this... when one thing goes another thing becomes more intense. Sortta like when you go blind and your hearing becomes more acute. Use your imagination...

We are going to be OK. Bruce and I. We healed somethings that needed to be healed.

This is the article that helped me...

If you ask 10 women who recently finished breast cancer treatment about their sex lives, odds are good that at least eight of them will respond, "What sex life?"

"This is a huge issue for our patients," says Mary McCabe, RN, director of the Cancer Survivorship program at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York. "It's an enormous unmet need. One of the things our patients told us they wanted most from a survivorship department was a sexual health program."

For a breast cancer patient, nothing can kill sexual desire faster than the daily nausea of chemotherapy, the vaginal dryness of premature menopause, and the ongoing fatigue associated with just about every stage of breast cancer treatment. It takes longer to get aroused, and when you do, sex can be painful. You may not like being touched in the same way that you did before. Your affected breast may be too sensitive to touch, or if you've had a mastectomy, a reconstructed breast won't feel your partner's caresses at all.

"Frequently, sexual activity stops upon diagnosis," says oncologist Marisa Weiss, MD, founder of Breastcancer.org and the author of Living Beyond Breast Cancer. "Fear and uncertainty are huge drains on your libido. And then your body goes through all these changes at the same time, and women believe that they're less attractive and assume that their partner's not interested."

The good news: you'll get your groove back. It just takes time -- and some creative thinking. In two studies presented at the American Society for Clinical Oncology meeting in the summer of 2004, women reported that the sexual side effects of breast cancer diagnosis and treatment were mostly temporary. One study found that women's sexual function declined over six months of post-surgical treatment (chemotherapy, tamoxifen, or both). But six months later, the same women were as satisfied with their sex lives as they had been before the study started.

Now, six months is a long time to be unhappy with the level of intimacy in your life, and there's no reason that you should be. Your sex life after breast cancer may be very different than it was before, but that doesn't mean it can't be just as good.

The first step: communication. "You can't assume that what's in your head is in your partner's head," says Weiss. "Most of the time, the partner finds you just as attractive as they did before, and they want you just as much." Talk candidly with your partner about how you're feeling. You may find that if he's been reluctant to initiate sex, it's not because of a lack of desire, but because he's afraid you might not be ready and he doesn't want to push you.

Getting used to sex after breast cancer also means getting used to your new body. One book that might help is Show Me: A Photo Collection of Breast Cancer Survivors' Lumpectomies, Mastectomies, Breast Reconstructions, and Thoughts on Body Image. Now in its second edition, the book features images of more than 30 cancer survivors from support groups at Penn State Hershey Medical Center. The women's smiling, beautiful photos, and their thoughts about body image, may help you adjust to the new you that you see in the mirror.

But if you don't feel ready to be fierce and sexy about your new body just yet, there's nothing wrong with wearing a little lingerie to bed if it will help you feel more attractive and more in the mood.

No More Antibiotic!

2008-07-07T06:06:00.000-07:00

No more antibiotic. I am finally done. Friday was my last day. Today my under arms are finally sealed shut with no leakage of anything. No infection. Done. Gone. Amen! Still very red and sore but healed.

Bruce and I stayed up almost all of Saturday night talking. Holding and talking. We will survive. He admitted he was an asshole and sometimes said things that he didn't mean. Part of his charm.

I went to "the" wedding. Here are some photo's. Enjoy... :) We arrived late because of me. I couldn't decide what to wear. I ended up wearing jeans and a t-shirt that said 'I'm really excited to be here'. The wedding part was pretty much over by the time we got there.

This is the bride and groom...off to Kim's left (looking at your screen, is her dad Bill.
Bride and groom after changing their clothes. Below my mother-in-law Joan. And yes she is yelling at me. :) Below her is a picture of Bill giving Bruce rabbit ears, and below that is a picture of Adam and Eric's magic show. They are the children of Kim and Ken but they live with Tammy and Ken. Tammy is her sister and Ken is her ex. The rest of the photos are of Bruce and Taryn in the pool. We left early because of me and Bruce was OK with that. We compromised. I would go. We would leave early. It worked out OK.

Great Anger In The Air

2008-07-02T06:55:00.000-07:00

There was some strange energy in the air yesterday.

There are 5 stages of grief that you go through and
yesterday was anger for me. I was so angry I could
have spit fire. I was angry at Bruce my husband for
callousing saying to me "lighten up"

Instead I wrote all day. I told the story of why I was so
angry.  My English and grammar suck. I am great at run
on sentences but I wrote anyway. Thank Creator
for spell check.


By strange energy I mean my kids never call me.
Last night my son calls just to talk. I hang up from
him and my daughter calls me and she talks to me for
over an hour. We had a good talk and we cried a little.
Then my phone rings again and it's my niece who I am
very close to telling me her step mom had died that
morning of a heart attack.

Then last night I had this poignant dream. I dreamed
I was drawing this little girl in pencil. I was at the back
of her head drawing the hairs on her pig tails
and the drawing became 3 D and I was turning
her head to draw her face the face was me as a
little girl. I had been crying and there were boogers
in my nose and I felt so sorry for the little girl me
and then she turned into my daughter, the
one that died. I woke up after that.  I have
always been a vivid dreamer. Day dreams and night dreams.
This dream was very sad to me.

My body, I am so fucking angry at my body. What I lost.
I'm angry at Bruce. I'm worried at what this will do to
my girls. what message am I sending them?
Is this their future, is this what I hand down to them...
cancer?

What a great gift to pass on. I feel guilt for
this and so much anger right now.

I'm sick of getting up in the morning feeling like crap.
My under arms are raw
and red like my anger. It hurts to move to use my arms.
I just want all of this to go away. I want to sleep
peacefully through the night,
without pain every time I move.

I want my life back.

Lighten Up, A Very Long Story...

2008-07-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

I moved out here it seems a long forever time ago but it's only been 8 years. Minnesota to the East Coast.

In those eight years I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, asthma, and last but not least breast cancer, ductal carcinoma. Do you think my body is trying to tell me something? I was 47 and healthy when I moved out here. Now I'm 54 and very unhealthy. I had bi-lateral mastectomies with reconstruction. Now I am dealing with infections to the surgical wounds. Diabetes is interfering with my healing.

I gave up a lot to be here with Bruce. That is how much I love him. It reminds me of the Jesus Christ story somewhat. Jesus loved us so much he died for us, if you believe he did you will go to heaven. After being out here I better go somewhere nicer. I've earned it. I'm not Jesus. I'm not a martyr, I acknowledge what I gave up. I accepted my life with Bruce. It was is a good life. But I can only take so much before my temper flies off and today my friends that has happened.

This is going to be a very long story. A complicated story. Lots of colorful characters. so get a cup of coffee or a beverage a snack and settle in because I really need to unload.

When I met Bruce he said he hoped his family and friends would like me because the women he dated that didn't stay in his life was because of them not liking her. I did not understand this because my whole life had been spent with men that my family hated or didn't approve of. I always went for the bad boys, more excitement, more thrills. Bruce rode a motorcycle and had the bad boy look. Inside he was is the best man with the biggest heart. I guess that is what keeps me here. That and the fact that he was practically a virgin.

He was married for 23 years to a woman that was a twin to the Virgin Mary. She was a good Catholic girl in every sense of the word. Sex was not for pleasure. Bruce had never had a blow job, a hand job, or a couple of other things. This was wicked attraction for me, to be his first. You always remember your first. :)

Awww but soon secrets would come out and Sharon isn't the Virgin Mary after all.

This woman died. She died from complications from diabetes Type 1.

I did not measure up in any ones eyes to her.

I wrote a poem about it...

Locked Doors

I laced my shoes with loneliness
and walked
uncharted land,
loneliness don't come undone
with double knots.

Wondering purgatory, I met him
he was looking for a ghost
but couldn't find her.
So he offered to untie my shoes
while lynching my heart.

He told me he lost his
virginity in a cemetery,
he also told me
that he loved me
but I was second best.

His house is a mystery
of shadows and locked doors.
I am nowhere to be found,
he descends into the basement
looking, opening each door.

I am there
lost behind a locked door
in a card board box
unable to decipher
the silence and pain that holds me.

That leads me to Easter day. The day I was to meet his family and friends. The do or die day.

Brian & Candy loved me from the first handshake. They folded me into their arms and hugged me. Candy wanted me to sit by her and she told me of the cast and characters. I loved her from the beginning. That is all you will here about them in the rest of this story.

Sue Rood pronounced Rude has been Bruce's best friend since they were 5 years old. Sue is married to Bill. They were Bruce's and Sharon's best friends. Sharon was Bruce's 1st wife. Sue and Bill have two daughters, Tammy and Kim. Tammy is in her late 30's and still lives at home. Kim got married to Ken. They have two sons.

Bruce introduces me to Sue I hold out my hand and say glad to meet you. She totally blows me off and walks away and I'm standing there with my hand out, icicles is a warm word when it comes to the cold this woman gave out. She is the matriarch of her family so everyone in her family followed suit.

Enter Pat, Bruce sister. She is an outcast of her family. Seems years ago Pat was mad at all of them and wrote a dirty little letter telling all of their secrets or airing out their dirty laundry. I sure would have liked to read that letter. She told Sharon's secret of her abortion before her and Bruce were married. Virgin Sharon had quite a sin on her soul. She told of Sue's undying lust and love of Bruce. So that is why she hates me, it fell into place. Sue is in love with Bruce and has been for years.

Pat called me up after Easter and told me that Sue thought I was too crass for Bruce. Too CRASS, me, can you believe it? Fuck no, me either. :)

Forward a year later. Bruce has asked me to marry him and I have said yes. The first persons he wants to tell are Sue and Bill. Fuck. But I go with him to tell them the good news. He tells her and she stumbles back like shes going to faint. She grabs a kitchen chair sits down and cries. Why are you getting married so soon? We've been living together for a year, why not? But I say "Because I am pregnant." If she would have had a weapon I would be dead. I start to laugh, Bruce is laughing...Sue is crying.

Bruce has a motorcycle accident. A bad accident. I set up our living room like a hospital room and I take him home and I take care of him plus work 40 hours a week. Seems only then did I measure up to be accepted by them. And just barley.

So for years I have been doing my best to get along with this family the Roods.

Forward to this last year. Their daughter Kim divorced Ken. Their daughter Tammy took Ken as her lover and new boyfriend. Now Tammy and Ken live with Sue and Bill. They bought this big Colonial house with a cement pond. I ask you is that not crass? I would never date my sisters ex, never. Isn't there some kind of code or something? Anyway that is not the whole story. Turns out Kim doesn't want to be a mom anymore either and gives the two boys to Tammy and Ken. So now Tammy and Ken live with Sue and Bill and the two boys.

Forward to now. Kim is getting married on Friday the 4th of July. A big old white wedding. Her and Brian (new guy) are getting married at Sue and Bills house. Fireworks to follow, bring your suit swimming after. I wasn't worried about it, I wasn't going. Bruce's Mom wanted us to take her to Maine for the week-end.

Forward to this morning. Bruce calls me. Mom changed her mind. Hu? She wants to go to the wedding. Well fuck I don't. Bruce says to me "Lighten UP" Now I don't know if it was my mood or my tiredness from lack of sleep at night or if it was all the crap I've been dealing with this past month combined with lack of sleep but I was instantly enraged. I think I might lighten my load by 270 pounds and that is what I said to him.

Forward to now this moment... I am done. as of right now in this moment I am done trying to please Bruce and doing everything Bruce wants. I am done.

Monkeys On The Bed

2008-06-30T12:45:00.000-07:00

I finished 7 squares today. When I make a quilt I never use a pattern I just make it up as I go. So far these are my favorite squares. I made green pockets and I stuffed them with the monkeys. How much fun is that?

I called my doctor first thing this morning like she asked me to and I waited until noon and when she hadn't called back yet I thought don't waist the day waiting do something....and so I did.

It's 4:00PM and she still hasn't called back...

I Collect Boxes

2008-06-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

The picture in my header is of the many boxes I collect. I've been doing it for years. Yesterday I added to my collection because Jackie Sue sent me a beautiful flower one and some other things to lift my spirit. I wore the bracelet yesterday.

Jackie Sue I am humbled by your kindness and caring. I do love you and a few others. I have been truly blessed by my blogger friends. I am without words to express how much you all mean to me. Know I think about you and it always makes me smile.

Sometimes when I'm going through something painful like the other night when they were digging in my wound to irrigate it and clean it, I think about Jackie Sue and I wonder what she would be saying to the doctor and it really does make me laugh because I can picture her telling him to buy her dinner first or something outrageous. thank you my friend for your many gifts of laughter and giving and caring. One of a kind, you are one of a kind. A very special person.

I asked Mr. Bruce if he thought I would be able to go visit her by bus? He said he would only let me go if I flew or took the train. He was looking yesterday at the train schedule on line. :)

So one day after this crap with my breast is all over I may just end up on her door step...it would be fun to arrive by UPS in a box too. :)

I changed my photo...I was yelling at Bruce, hahaha

This is my booboo, gross hu? That red part is actually a hole into my body. Tomorrow I go back to doc Melissa...

My Day

2008-06-28T00:54:00.000-07:00

I was to the doctors for a different problem I am having by 11:00 AM and to work by 2:30 PM. By 8:00 PM my underarm was killing me. When I got home I un- bandaged my booboo it was draining and hurting and I felt sick to my stomach. Bruce had me to the ED by 12:30 AM.

The doc there swabbed the wound to get a culture. Yeah you have a nasty infection. He called Doc Melissa who just happened to be on call. They gave me a 1000mg of Leviquin antibiotic and 2 percocet. Along with two prescriptions for the same meds to take at home. So it's 4:00 AM and I am itching like a mangy cat with a billion fleas.

Doc Melissa wants to see me first thing Monday. Implants may have to come out.

In the meantime I finished some squares for my baby's quilt...

I am going to put a heart square in each corner of the quilt. The ribbons say cute things like mommy and me, daddy and me, everything grows with love.

Now I am going to try and scratch myself to sleep. My love to everyone.

Hahahahahahahaha

2008-06-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

I was looking through some old postings...remember 2 years ago when I got C-diff from all the antibiotics? Taken from August 2006...

This Blog is mine and I am writing from the dark side. I don’t give a shit if the sun is shining and the birds are singing. I’m near death and I am starting to get mad at stupid shit-holes for brains doctors thinking they know what’s best. I am so fucking sick of being sick I could spit fire and the next person who smiles and says to me you will get better, just give it one more day. Oh yea come here let me spit in your mouth and we will share these magical germs of mine. And when you’re burning up with a 104 fever, but yet you can’t stop the unshakable shakes of the freezing cold, and you have someone sticking you for the third time because your veins are blowing out from the fever and the illness that rages inside of you and yet you crawl out of bed to barely make it to the bathroom just to have this venomous green burning bile flying out your ass then we will talk birds and sunshine.

I read this today and it made me laugh...Shit my life is fucking hysterical, hahahaha

Infection

2008-06-25T04:50:00.000-07:00

nfection, My Third
Current mood: pissed off
Category: Life

I'm sick and vomiting. I'm going back to the doctors again. I don't know if I am sick and vomiting because I'm sick and tired of going to the doctors or because I have a third infection in my surgery wound.

It's all because of my diabetes which is out of control. It's been running in the three hundreds. No I am not eating sugar. I think it's the surgeries and stress.

Bruce says it's because I won't sit still long enough for it to heal. Do you know how sick I am of sitting still waiting to heal?

So I'm off to the doctors this morning and they will start yet another round of antibotics which tears the crap out of me.

No, I'm not in a good mood. Fuck it all.

My apologies now to everyone. JackieSue I love you and I am really sorry, especially to you. You and everyone really don't deserve my pissy mood or to read about it but this blog is my venting space, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Candy

2008-06-22T01:33:00.000-07:00

This is Candy and Brian. I love them! They are the best people ever! She has on a red wig, Brian wanted a change and got her the red wig.

The hospital had a benefit dinner and dance for Candy tonight.

I went with Mr. Bruce and I brought my camera. I was going to take all kinds of pictures and then post them but after 3 or 4 pictures my batteries went dead. Fuck.
It was the funnest I had in a while. The DJ was an RN from the ED. His name is Jim and he is the greatest person. He played some awesome music. I did get a picture of him. :) This is Jim talking to Candy, that is Brian her husband, Bruce's little brother. Brian has been on the fire department since he was 16 years old. His fire department helped with the dinner and dance. They raised $1,200.00 plus paid 4 months rent for them. It made Brian cry in a good way.

This is my grand-daughter Taryn who danced up a storm and made her grandma laugh. She is just like Bruce in her actions....

This is Candy and one of the med secretaries. One of the guys at work donated all of the flowers and we got to take home the center pieces on the tables. They were so pretty.

Then my stupid batteries died. And the night was just getting started. After a few drinks people started to dance and really let go. I was pissed because my camera pooped out. But my mother-in-law had her camera and she took some pictures so I will post more as the come out. My mother-in-law was very sweet to me, extra nice. I guess since I haven't talked to her since her remark she had time to think about it and decided to be nice.

It was a good night. Now if I could only get some sleep. Love you guys...XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOOXOXOOXO)XOXOOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXO

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

2008-06-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctors yesterday. She was running behind so my wait in the waiting room was about an hour. Last Saturday when I got the mail I had three get well cards from friends from work who became my friends out side of work. As I opened them one by one I started to cry. In one of them they had put a pink bracelet with the word SURVIVOR. Their kindness and concern touched me deeply. The ones who didn't send cards called me and wished me the best, some even came to the hospital to see me. Toni thanks for putting lip balm on my lips when I couldn't move my arms at all and coming to my house and washing my hair. I love you. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

I even got a very cute post card from a very wonderful person this week! Thank you!

As I am waiting a young girl comes in and sits down next to me. She reminds me of my daughter Ricki. She has on the same bandanna that Ricki wore when she was bald and she had it tied the same way with the tip tucked in the back...white and black bandanna. She says so your a SURVIVOR. She saw my bracelet. I said no I'm not. You have to be cancer free for 5 years before you can be a SURVIVOR. She laughed. I asked her how old she was. She replied 25. She is done with Chemo and is now going to have both her breast removed and re-construction at the same time. I told her I just went through that and showed her my new boobs. She laughed again and said very nice. I told her DR. Melissa is the best! She asked me about the pain, did it hurt much? I said the emotional pain is worse then the physical pain, for me anyway. They called her name and her and her mom walked away.

Brief encounters can touch your heart deeply.

I'm taking pain pills because the pain at the surgery sight under my arms is still very painful and I have things to do that require me using my arms.

I didn't sleep well last night because I have to sleep flat on my back, on my sides is just to painful. Why am I writing this? Because I smile a lot and I laugh a lot and I have an exterior way of acting because if I act it I will be it, happy. I am really trying to make the best of my life and to be happy but sometimes it just gets really hard to smile and laugh. I go back to the DR.'s September 18, 2008. I have to have another MRI in November, November is when I was diagnosed, to see that the cancer hasn't metastasized anywhere else. You see I never have to have another mammogram and that's good but once a year I have to have an MRI to check and see if cancer has come back anywhere in my chest area, neck and head area. Usually if breast cancer metastasized it comes back in the brain, so if you see me doing something strange like wearing underwear on my head to work just take me aside and say Houston we have a problem... And I will deal with it the best way I can with a smile.

I finished my first oil painting today. I'm calling it Amy's Darkness

I am also working on a quilt for my new grand- daughter . I haven't sewed in ages and I am enjoying this. My son bummed me out with a phone call telling me that his kid didn't matter to me. It hurt me. You see before I got cancer I told him I would come out and help but then my life was turned upside down and now he and his wife are mad at me for not coming out. He is a spoiled brat and I am hoping he will get over it when he gets the quilt.

So Yeah

2008-06-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

So yeah I deleted the other post because I couldn't stand the one photo. Sorry. I have been fighting off an infection on my right side surgery scar. I've been taking antibiotics for a week and I haven't noticed any change. I go the Dr's on Thursday. We, me and the Dr. don't want the implant to get infected because that would be a mess she said and I agreed.

In the meantime Bruce brought home these little dots that stick from work. He was practicing where he wants my nipples to go. I swear to God when he stuck them on and took this photo I was laughing so hard I hurt. Men, you can't live with them and you can't shoot them, hehehehe

I think they should be up higher...stayed tuned for more of Bruce's nipple madness...

Surgery

2008-06-04T00:30:00.000-07:00

Surgery
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Life

So yeah it's 2:57 am and I'm up thinking about my surgery today. I hate being put under, I always have a hard time waking up. They will keep me overnight because of this.

I will be at Bay State, Chestnut building. Someone once asked me why I didn't go to JMH. The answer is because my co-workers don't need to see my fat ass in a johnny.

That leads me to thoughts of Candy. She would love that segue... Candy my dear sister-in-law. She is so brave and courageous. She asked me to take care of Brian. She asked me twice...I told her I would. That we all would. She became a DNR on Sunday.

I was having second thoughts about this surgery. Candy wanted this surgery but her body never got well enough for her to have it. So I figure if I am healthy enough to do it she would want me to do it. We only talked about it once.

Last time I visited her I told her I was getting my new boobs today and she laughed. Pick out some good ones she told me. I told her Bruce picked them out...round and up high, I told her I would need a face lift to go with them and she laughed again.

I would encourage you...all of you that know her to go visit her now while she is alert and still pretty much with it. Go, drop by and just say hi...I hung some young photo's of her & Brian up, that I found in a family photo album. She told me if she could get out of her bed she would kill me. God I love her and well it's just to sad to talk about.

So off I go to the shower and get ready for my surgery.

I love all of you and we need to have a JMH walk for the cure. Here we are me & Candy, two women that you know with breast cancer, the odds are 1 in 3 women you know will get breast cancer. The odds just increased. Self exam very important. Every time you shower lift those arms and feel yourself up. After your shower look in the mirror while you feel yourself up. Awareness of your body. That's how I discovered my lump under my left arm two years ago.

My mother-in-law made a sobering statement to me while she was visiting Candy she said "In a year from now this could be you." I think about that and I just want to slap the shit out of her for saying it. People should really think before they speak. If you see my mother-in-law around the hospital slap her for me will ya? Just kidding. I love her and to love her is to accept her big mouth and all.

C U later

XOXOXOXOX

me

For those of my friends at blogger, I cut and pasted this from myspace were I have co-workers who are my friends. I'm sorry I just didn't have the energy for two post. :)

Update

2008-06-02T10:35:00.000-07:00

Candy was put as DNR yesterday. Her fight is almost over. She lost her battle.

My surgery is Wed. I feel guilty. I was explaining this to Bruce last night. I feel guilty because I am cancer free. I should be so happy. What's the difference, me her, what is the difference?

I feel guilty that I'm OK and she is not.

Spirit speaks through the love between a man and a bald eagle

2008-05-26T10:25:00.001-07:00

Freedom and I have been together 10 years this summer. She came in as
a baby in 1998 with two broken wings. Her left wing doesn't open all
the way even after surgery, it was broken in 4 places. She's my baby.

--Jeff

When Freedom came in she could not stand. Both wings were broken, her left wing in 4 places. She was emaciated and covered in lice. We made the decision to give her a chance at life, so I took her to the vet's office.

From then on, I was always around her. We had her in a huge dog carrier with the top off, and it was loaded up with shredded newspaper for her to lay in. I used to sit and talk to her, urging her to live, to fight; and she would lay there looking at me with those big brown eyes.

We also had to tube feed her for weeks.This went on for 4-6 weeks, and by then she still couldn't stand. It got to the point where the decision was made to euthanize her if she couldn't stand in a week.

You know you don't want to cross that line between torture and rehab, and it looked like death was winning. She was going to be put down that Friday, and I was supposed to come in on that Thursday afternoon. I didn't want to go to the center that Thursday, because I couldn't bear the thought of her being euthanized; but I went anyway, and when I walked in everyone was grinning from ear to ear. I went immediately back to her cage; and there she was, standing on her own, a big beautiful eagle. She was ready to live. I was just about in tears by then. That was a very good day.

We knew she could never fly, so the director asked me to glove train her. I got her used to the glove, and then to jesses, and we started doing education programs for schools in western Washington. We wound up in the newspapers, radio (believe it or not) and some TV. Miracle Pets even did a show about us.

In the spring of 2000, I was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. I had stage 3, which is not good (one major organ plus everywhere), so I wound up doing 8 months of chemo. Lost the hair - the whole bit. I missed a lot of work. When I felt good enough, I would go to Sarvey and take Freedom out for walks. Freedom would also come to me in my dreams and help me fight the cancer. This happened time and time again.

Fast forward to November 2000, the day after Thanksgiving, I went in for my last checkup. I was told that if the cancer was not all gone after 8 rounds of chemo, then my last option was a stem cell transplant. Anyway, they did the tests; and I had to come back Monday for the results. I went in Monday, and I was told that all the cancer was gone. Yahoo!

So the first thing I did was get up to Sarvey and take the big girl out for a walk. It was misty and cold. I went to her flight and jessed her up, and we went out front to the top of the hill. I hadn't said a word to Freedom, but somehow she knew. She looked at me and wrapped both her wings around me to where I could feel them pressing in on my back (I was engulfed in eagle wings), and she touched my nose with her beak and stared into my eyes, and we just stood there like that for I don't know how long. That was a magic moment. We have been soul mates ever since she came in. This is a very special bird.

On a side note: I have had people who were sick come up to us when we are out, and Freedom has some kind of hold on them. I once had a guy who was terminal come up to us and I let him hold her. His knees just about buckled and he swore he could feel her power coarse through his body. I have so many stories like that.

I never forget the honor I have of being so close to such a magnificent spirit as Freedom's.

Hope you enjoy this.

--Jeff

Charles Bukowski

2008-05-21T04:48:00.001-07:00

nobody but you

nobody can save you but
yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and /or die quietly
inside.

nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don't, don't, don't.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
being?
do you want to experience
death before death?

nobody can save you but
yourself
and you're worth saving.
it's a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.

think about it.
think about saving your self.
your spiritual self.
your gut self.
your singing magical self and
your beautiful self.
save it.
don't join the dead-in-spirit.

maintain your self
with humor and grace
and finally
if necessary
wager your self as you struggle,
damn the odds, damn
the price.

only you can save your
self.

do it! do it!

then you'll know exactly what
I am talking about.

~~Charles Bukowski~~

Charles is my favorite author. I have almost everyone of his books. His poetry and short stories touch me deeply. He was a chronic alcoholic. He lived in the mean streets. He has helped me with my life and my job. I just wanted to do a post on him. I lift my glass of wine and I toast to the greatest writer that ever lived.

	Birthday: August 16, 1920 Birthplace: Andernach, Germany Real Name: Henry Charles Bukowski Parents: Henry Charles and Katharina [Fett] Bukowski Description of Father: "[A] cruel shiny bastard with bad breath . . ." Education: Attended Los Angeles City College, 1939-41 Work History: Manual worker in a dog biscuit factory, slaughterhouse, potato chip warehouse and various other dead-end jobs; Postal Carrier; Postal Clerk; Drunk Medical History: Suffered from Acne Vulgaris, Hemorrhoids, Acute Alcoholism Literary Influences: Conrad Aiken, Louis Ferdinand Celine (Journey to the End of the Night), Catullus, Fyodor Dostoevsky (Notes from the Underground), John Fante, Knut Hamsun (Hunger), Ernest Hemingway (early writings), Robinson Jeffers (long poems), James Thurber Nonliterary Influence: Red Strange (aka Kid Red), a mentally ill tramp and derelict friend of Bukowski who wandered the highways and byways of America. Bukowski often plied Red with beer and encouraged him to relate his wildest stories, many of which ended up in Bukowski's own poems and short stories. Interests: Horse playing, classical music, fat whores Alter Ego: Henry "Hank" Chinaski Drug of Choice: Alcohol Long-time Publisher: Black Sparrow Press (defunct) On Solitude: "I was a man who thrived on solitude; without it I was like another man without food or water. Each day without solitude weakened me. I took no pride in my solitude; but I was dependent on it. The darkness of the room was like sunlight to me." [Factotum, 1975] On Work: "It was true that I didn't have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?" [Factotum, 1975] On Skid Row: "Those guys down there [in skid row] had no problems with women, income tax, landlords, burial expenses, dentists, time payments, car repairs, or with climbing into a voting booth and pulling the curtain closed." [Factotum, 1975] On Rejection Slips: "And rejections are no hazard; they are better than gold. Just think what type of miserable cancer you would be today if all your works had been accepted." [Letter to Jory Sherman, April 1, 1960, included in Screams from the Balcony, 1993] First Published Short Story: "Aftermath of a Lengthy Rejection Slip," March-April issue of Story magazine, 1944 On Short Stories: "I do not believe in writing a short story unless it crawls out of the walls. I watch the walls daily but very little happens." [Letter to Ann Bauman, May 21, 1962, in Screams from the Balcony, 1993] On Hemingway: "Hem had style and genius that went with it, for a little while, then he tottered, rotted, but was man enough, finally, and had style enough, finally." [Letter to Neeli Cherry, 1962, in Screams from the Balcony, 1993] On The Beat Generation: "Now, the original Beats, as much as they were knocked, had the Idea. But they were flanked and overwhelmed by fakes, guys with nicely clipped beards,lonely-hearts looking for free ass, limelighters, rhyming poets, homosexuals, bums, sightseers - the same thing that killed the Village. Art can't operate in Crowds. Art does not belong at parties, nor does it belong at Inauguration Speeches." [Letter to Jon Webb, 1962, in Screams from the Balcony, 1993] First Book of Poetry: Flower, Fist and Bestial Wail, 1960 (shortly after the publication of this chapbook, Bukowski attempted suicide by gassing himself in his room, but quickly changed his mind . . .) Major Works: Post Office (1971) Erections, Ejaculations and General Tales of Ordinary Madness (1972) Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame (1974) Factotum (1975) Love is a Dog from Hell (1977) Women (1978) Dangling in the Tournefortia (1981) Ham on Rye (1982) War All the Time (1984) Hollywood (1989) On Drinking: "Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn't have you by the throat." [Factotum, 1975] On Personal Hygiene: "Nothing is worse than to finish a good shit, then reach over and find the toilet paper container empty. Even the most horrible human being on earth deserves to wipe his ass." [Factotum, 1975] Films Based on Work: Tales of Ordinary Madness (1983 - Italian) - Director: Marco Ferreri. Starring: Ben Gazzara, Ornella Muti, Susan Tyrell, Tanya Lopert, Roy Brocksmith. Gazzara is severely miscast in this debacle based loosely on "The Most Beautiful Woman in Town." Barfly (1987) - Director: Barbet Schroeder. Starring: Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway, Alice Krige, Jack "Eraserhead" Nance, J.C. Quinn, Frank Stallone. Bukowski wrote the screenplay for this cult classic based on his early experiences in skid row. He even appears in a cameo as one of the barflies. Love is a Dog from Hell (1987 - Belgium) - Director: Dominique Deruddere. Starring: Geert Hunaerts, Josse De Pauw. Adapted from Bukowski short stories, mainly "The Copulating Mermaidof Venice, California." Bukowski considered it the most faithful adaptation of his work. Walls in the City (1995) - Director: Jim Sikora. Starring: David Yow, Michael James, Tony Fitzpatrick, Paula Killen, Bill Cusack. Three short films based on Bukowski short stories about assorted barflies. On Movies: "Want me to name [my favorite films]? 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,' 'Elephant Man,' 'Eraserhead,' 'Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?' - that's a classic. [Akira] Kurosawa and those great battle scenes. And all those great samurai films where guys are chopping heads off." (Film Comment interview, 1987) On Barfly: "Mickey Rourke is a real human guy, on and off the set. And in 'Barfly' he really came through with the acting. I felt his enjoyment and inventiveness. Faye Dunaway just can't match his talent or his humanness but she filled her role." [Film Threat interview, 1987] On Television: "We got cable TV here, and the first thing we switched on happened to be 'Eraserhead.' I said, 'Oh, this cable TV has opened up a whole new world. We're gonna be sitting in front of this thing for centuries. What next?' So starting with Eraserhead we sit here, click, click, click - nothing." (Film Comment interview, 1987) On Politics: "I used to lean slightly toward the liberal left but the crew that's involved, in spite of the ideas, are a thin & grafted-like type of human, blank-eyed and throwing wordslike vomit." [Letter to Tom McNamara, July 14, 1965, in Screams from the Balcony, 1993] On Luck: "I'm one of those who doesn't think there is much difference/between an atomic scientist and a man who cleans the crappers/except for the luck of the draw - /parents with enough money to point you toward a more/generous death./of course, some come through brilliantly, but/there are thousands, millions of others, bottled up, kept/from even the most minute chance to realize their potential." ["Horsemeat" in War All the Time, 1984] On Death: "I want to die with my head down on this/machine/3 lines from the bottom of the/ page/burnt-out cigarette in my/fingers, radio still/playing/I just want to write/ just well enough to/end like/that." ["suggestion for an arrangement" in War All the Time, 1984] Cause of Death: Leukemia Date of Death: March 9, 1994 Final Resting Place: Green Hills Memorial Park, Palos Verdes, California Epitaph: "Don't Try"

A Few Poems by me

2008-05-21T03:30:00.000-07:00

Between Loss And Reality

There is a space between loss and reality,
days with empty pages; reminding
you of the inexplicable way you
harmonized in reality and dreams
with the one who left.

Outside my window children playing.
Looking out I am surprised
that life goes on, even now in this
blank space between loss and reality.

How powerful your voice is now
that I can no longer hear it.
Remembering your laughter,
your kidding; your reasoning.
Listening now to your deafening silence,
leaves me feeling insignificant
in your eyes; otherwise how could you
have left me here had you loved me?

This cruel stubbornness like salt
between us, keeping us separate
and miserable; neither one wanting
to appear needy or weak; so we go
on alone and hurting.

Not that there haven't been times before
seconds, minutes; hours when we were
not speaking; but we always found our way
back to each other; always. Now there is
just this blank space between loss and reality.

July 17, 1999

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Weaving

I dance in the thunderstorm of life's turbulence,
Fueling the thirst of deserts loneliness,
Loneliness made tangible by your silence.

The fog moves silently through the valleys of thought,
Blocking my rational viewpoint.
The mist of sadness reflection unmistakable.

I go on weaving the rhythms of my breath
With each beat of my heart
Weaving, weaving, breathing, still alive.

June 24,1999

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unconditional written March 2001

My heart and soul,
I want you with my heart and soul.

I see the pain that is yours,
I want to cover you with a blanket of love
and take your hurt away.

I want to hold your face in my hands
and look into your eyes,
telling you everything will be all right.

I want to be your safe haven,
a place you can come
and be loved just for yourself.

Love is unconditional,
I would ask nothing of you.

Your sorrow's have touched me deeply.
I wrap myself up in them feeling you,
I feel your truth, honesty and integrity,
It is a code which I live by.

Our paths crossed because we mirrored
each other in thoughts and emotions.

You can be with me
and we can just be us,
no shame, no blame, we can just be,
two souls who need
the warmth of each other's love.

No expectations, no demands;
Unconditional love for you and I.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Can I Say?

2008-05-20T05:15:00.000-07:00

What can I say? It's been a while.

On Mothers day we took my sister-in-law Candy to the hospital. She hadn't urinated in 36 hours. She refused to go any earlier. She was admitted with a white blood count of .09, meaning almost nill for fighting off infections. The doc and nurses were having a hard time with her port. Turns out the port was infected. They could not remove it until the infection was under control. She also had a UTI. Her blood pressure dropped the next day to 83/45. She was moved to ICU. I was at her house helping her husband Brian clean it up.

Brian, Candy and I all work at the same hospital. Brian and Candy have always worked nights. I work second shift and some nights. So it was hard for Brian to take care of Candy, work nights and keep the house clean. Brian is Bruce's brother. My Mr. Bruce.

Candy is hospitalized at the hospital we work at. They didn't even call us to tell us she had been moved to ICU. I stopped by there on my way home from Brian's and when I went to her room it was empty. Well you all know what I thought had happened. I go to the Nurses desk...where is Candy? They all give me this look, you know the look...we can't tell you. You'll have to talk to her nurse. Christ we are all like family at the little hospital and here I was being treated like they don't even know me. This just pisses me off.

I call Brian who had gone to bed to try and get some sleep before coming into work. They moved Candy to ICU. What? They didn't call me. I know. Her blood pressure dropped too low and that is why they moved her. Thanks for calling me.

Candy was in ICU for a week. They moved her back on to the med surge floor on Sunday. I went to visit her. I brought her the biggest chocolate cup cake I could find. She smiled at me.

I showed her my ring from 5 years of blood sweat and tears that the hospital gave me. I asked her do you think it's too flashy trashy? She smiled and said no. I knew then she was OK. Candy loves big jewelry. This ring is flashy and trashy and just not my style.

I got the painting of a heart above, my header picture from my daughter Amy. It was her first oil painting. She sent it to me UPS. It made me cry. When I look at it I see a heart made beautiful from pain and suffering. That is the feeling it invokes in me.

I probably won't be around for a while. My surgery date is June 4th, 2008. I will be home then for a few weeks and I will try to be more active here. Can't promise. You see the depression is wanting to take over again and I'd rather stay away then bring you with me through the depression. JS knows this about me but loves me anyway. XOXOXOXOXO to all my friends.

My Gift From Bruce

2008-05-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

This week-end Bruce bought me a gift. Pictured below. It's the treadmill. He got it off of Craig's List for $75.00. We put it in my art room. I used it the first time this morning. I did the fat burning speed for 28 minutes and the sweat was pouring off of me. I took some pictures of the sweat running between my new boobs in my new black sports bra. I won't post them because you're probably tired of seeing my new boobs when you come here. :) Now I'm off to the shower and to work. I will visit you all tomorrow on my day off. This is the day, go out and be happy in it...I am.

Sign, Sign , Everywhere A Sign...

2008-05-04T00:19:00.000-07:00

I was at work when my cell phone rang, well not rang but sang. I have Van Morrison's Brown Eyed Girl for my ring tone. I used to have Cindy's Girls Just Want To have Fun but it seemed inappropriate for work.

Anyway I look at caller ID and see that it's work calling me. I'm at work, I've been there for 45 minutes. They leave a message. It's Ann Dragon the supervisor. This is her message..."You are scheduled to come into work today and you are not here. You really need to call and let us know if your coming in or not." And she had a bit of an attitude.

The reason I didn't answer my phone was because we are not supposed to use our cell phones at work. So I get on the hospital phone and have operator page Ann Dragon to room 308. She calls room 308 where she scheduled me to work. They put our assignments on the door when we come in as to which room we are going to.

"Hey Ann it's me Nancy and I have been working since 1/4 to 3:00pm." (Ann) "Does staff know you are there?" (me)"Unless I am now invisible, ya they know I am here." "I have helped them change this guy three times in the last 45 minutes." (Ann) "Are you sure?" (me) "Let me check...I yell out to the nurses station, hey Joyce RN am I here?" Joyce RN gives me this look like I am mental and yells back "ya, you've been here since 1/4 to 3pm." (me) " Ya I am here." (Ann) " I don't know who isn't here then." She hangs up the phone.

I kid you not that was our conversation word for word. One of the secretary's told me that Ann likes to smoke crack. I didn't believe her but after this strange conversation I am beginning to wonder.

I saw Ann later in the day, her arm was in a sling . She's an RN supervisor, the same person who harassed me about coming back to work with restrictions. I asked her so you hurt yourself? Arm in a sling. You can use only one arm? Is that a restriction? What happened to your no restrictions to come back to work?

What do I know according to her I am not even there.

The Lamp Surprise!

2008-05-01T13:53:00.000-07:00

See the above photo of lamp. Ain't it beautiful?

I got home from work last night about 1/4 to 12:00. I walk into the kitchen and there is this beautiful lamp lit up sitting on the kitchen counter. Bruce wanted me to see it as soon as I walked in.

The story behind the lamp is this. Bruce is a master auto tech for Chrysler Dodge. He works at Herb Chambers. If you Google Herb Chambers he owns just about all the dealerships in MA. Bruce said he flew to their store once in his helicopter, landed it right there on the lot and Mr. Bruce got to shake hands with him. When he came home and told me that story you would have thought he had met the Queen of England.

Anyway back to the lamp story. One of Bruce co-workers, well his wife died from cancer a year ago. He was just now cleaning all her stuff out, throwing most of it away. He told Bruce she ordered that lamp while she was sick, that she loved it's beauty. He was going to throw it away, but then thought about me. I guess men do talk at work. Bruce told him what I was going through. Anyway he brought the lamp to work and told Bruce to give it to me.

Some of you may think it's gaudy but I absolutely love it. It weighs a good 15 pounds. I think it's made heavy so it won't fall over and break the stained glass.

Anyway I thought it was pretty damn sweet this guy passed it on instead of throwing it out. And Bruce gets bonus points for sharing his feelings at work.

If you could see the man when I say Bruce I want to talk about my feelings, he gets this look on his face and his eyes roll up in his head, it's pretty darn funny. Sometime I do it just to get the reaction. :)

These Are My Relatives

2008-04-30T04:28:00.000-07:00

When my oldest daughter Ricki Joy was dying from cancer, we were in the town of Mankato, Minnesota. Mankato is on the Southern border of Minnesota. The Minister of that hospital asked me if I would like a Minister of one of the churches to come and pray and give last rights. I said no. We are Native American. If you can find a Holy Man or Medicine Man that would be good. That Minister got the Holy Man from Pine Ridge Reservation to drive from the Dakota's to Mankato to Saint Joesph's Hospital.

I remember how calm he made us feel and there was such a peacefulness as we placed sage in the 4 corners of her hospital room. We hung medicine bags from her bed. We made over a hundred prayer ties of colors of the 4 great Nations of man. We filled the prayer ties with tobacco and then they were placed around Ricki Joy. We held hands and he started to pray. It was beautiful. Her death was beautiful. She gave up peacefully and before her last breath she looked at me. I was standing at the right side of her head, with my hand on her bald head and she mouthed the words "I love you." And she died.

Some parents never even get to say good-bye. This war, these children fighting it, some of them never get to say good-bye or I love you one last time. I was truly blessed that I could in a beautiful way.

I've added Ricki's Page to the side bar. It is a page I created in her memory.

With that I leave you this video of Pine Ridge...

Cherokee Morning Song...Beautiful!

2008-04-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

I Have A Surgery Date!

2008-04-25T14:38:00.000-07:00

Stage 1: The first stage involves placement of tissue expanders. This can either be done at the time of the mastectomy (for immediate reconstruction patients) or after the mastectomy has healed (for delayed reconstruction patients). Expanders are essentially temporary implants that act as spacers. Breast reconstruction with implants or tissue expanders, in our practice, is generally reserved for patients who do not have adequate tissue for a flap reconstruction, or do not wish to use their own tissue for reconstruction.

Stage 2: The expanders are filled as much as possible at the time of the initial surgery. Further expansion is performed in the office as required once the incisions have healed. This expansion process can require several weeks, depending on the amount of expansion required by the patient to reach the optimal breast size.

Stage 3: Once the tissue expanders are adequately filled they are exchanged for permanent breast implants. Two types of breast implants are available to patients: Saline and Silicone. It is advised that you speak with your plastic surgeon as to which implant would be best for you. Patients who undergo breast reconstruction with implants should be aware that their implants may need to be replaced at a future date.

June 4th, 2008 is my surgery date for this final step. I chose silicone implants because of my diagnoses of ductal carcinoma. With the silicone implants you get the benefit of a yearly MRI. This will also show if the cancer has come back anywhere. With the saline ones the Insurance won't pay for the yearly MRI, they will pay with the silicone ones. Dr. Melissa Goddess told me the silicone ones look much more natural and feel softer to. So I got that going for me. I am so excited I can't wait to be done with all of this and to get back to my life.

Here is a photo of a woman who has had reconstruction surgery after bilateral mastectomies. She chose silicone. I think they look pretty damn good. I wish I could show you my sister Lee's but I promised her I wouldn't.

Bosom Swell I have Swell

2008-04-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

This post is a goof on me. I'm teetering back and forth today with emotions and so with trying to stay happy I took these photo's of my swell to lighten my mood. Bosom Swell or My Bear Never Looked So Good...My feathers used to droop now they have the nice curve up turn. hehehehe

My Boob News & JackieSue

2008-04-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't cried in 4 days. Count them 1, 2, 3, 4. I really believe all the prayers, happy thoughts and general good feelings people have sent for me are working. I went to the doctor's this morning and I have lost 20 pounds. She gave me my final fill. 100 ccs in each boob. I am now a C+ to a D cup. Then she gave me some freaking great news! She said how soon do you want this to be over with? I said don't I have to wait 3 months. She said no. I thought I did. She said yeah, 3 months after your bilateral mastectomy surgery. She said lets think about the final surgery scheduling it for the last week in May. I said with the biggest shit eating grin you mean my boobs will be done. She said yes. It's a day surgery. I go in, she takes out the expanders and the implants, puts in the silicone implants and she said I will do a little lipo suction here and nip and tuck here and the nipples here and wallah Pam Anderson boobs! Thank you Goddess Dr. Melissa!

I can't wait for Bruce to get home from work. Wait till he see these puppies after today's fill.

Then I am pulling into my driveway feeling pretty damn good and my phone rings. It's my baby Boo. Mom she says I was going to surprise you with this in September for your birthday but I will tell you now...I am moving out there. Me and Jason are moving to Maine. She will be only 3 hours away from me. My baby girl will only be 3 hours away from me. I will finally have family by me. I just can't believe things are looking so good for me right now. I am so happy today that I called Bruce and said it's a guarded happiness, after the last couple of years I've become more pessimistic and I'm waiting for that dooms day cloud to appear and ruin it. But I have to be strong and push those negative thoughts out of my head and just let the goodness come and be so thankful for it. Yeah today is my day to be happy and I just want to enjoy it!

JackieSue, Willie is on his way. He should be there by Wed. I sent you 2 willie paintings. And I found a taste of Texas this weekend...

Bruce and I were riding around yesterday and we found this little hole in the wall eating place. Here are the 2 photo's we took of the place. OMG! The food, I had a Buffalo wrap, it weighed in at 1 and 1/2 pounds. Then I had two fried Oreo cookies with whip cream I tell you it was to die for. The best food I've had in years. Bruce had the fried Twinkie, he took a bite and his eyes rolled back in his head and this sound came out of him and then this smile came over his face like he had died and gone to Hooters heaven.

In closing I want to thank you all once again for the candle lightings and the prayers and happy thoughts, they have reached me and surround me with such peacefulness and joy. Thank you.

Jimmy Buffet : Your An Asshole, dedicated to work!

2008-04-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

~~~A man can be defeated , but never destroyed .~~

Ernest Hemmingway

One Little, Two Little, Three Little Indian Braides...

2008-04-17T14:17:00.000-07:00

So I have decided to get off my crying depressed ass and to live again with passion and fury. This is my way of not crossing the line at work but having my moccasin on it. I was talking to a friend and I was telling them that every time worked pissed me off I was going to put a dread lock in my hair. She replied "You can't do that you're an Indian, Indian do Braides.

Like I said before if you've been reading me a while...a while back maybe 5 years ago I posted a blog about dread locks. Well one way is braiding. After you braid your hair it takes about a year and it will form into a dread lock. Just leave it alone. Never take it out, wash your hair every two days...

So here is my first braid...it's a start. My way of saying fuck you and your bad treatment of me to work. In a years time I wonder how many braids I will have?I also have a problem with their dress code. I've been wearing blue jeans to work for 5 years, I was told yesterday the next time I wear blue jeans to work security will escort me to the front doors, they didn't say anything about black jeans...

And the war wages on hear my Indian war cry!

Deciding To Be Happy

2008-04-16T05:46:00.000-07:00

I had a long talk with my son Travis last night. He is the child that is most like me of all my children. Depression can take such a toll on your life. It can ruin your health. We talked about this...my depression.

I woke up today and that I decided was a good thing. All the crap with work is just that crap. It ain't my life. It's just something I do so I can afford to do the things that make me happy. Painting and day trips to little artsy New England towns.

And Trina my daughter-in-law posted this new picture and this picture turned my attitude and my sadness into joy. This picture to me is the most beautiful picture in the world. I may have to do a painting of it. It made me laugh and it made me cry...this time they were tears of joy.

Peace, love and baby...This picture touched my heart in a very big way. It brought me such love. A new baby girl. Awww Trina I love you so much, thank you.

Thank you everyone for your time and your thoughts and for just touching a crazy old ladies heart. Thank you.

Bruce is going to cash in his vacation days for money and he is flying me home in August for two weeks.

As for everything else I have to take it one day at a time but for today I am deciding to be happy in this wondrous moment that this picture has brought me.

I look at this picture and all I can think to say is thank you Creator for this beautiful blessing.

My Sister-in-law Candy

2008-04-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

Those of you have been reading me for three years or more will remember when I wrote about my sister-in-law Candy. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a little over two years ago. She had radiation, then bilateral mastectomies followed by six months of Chemo. She was stage three when diagnosed. She's been cancer free for a year.

She was at work last week and was having trouble with her left side not working, brain telling hand to do one thing and hand doing another.

She went to the ED and they took x-rays. Today she was told by radiologist that there were masses starting at the base of the back of her head all the way down her spine. Cancer has returned with a vengeance.

She is going to start Chemo today.

Today I want to go home to Minnesota. I miss my family so much. I need to go home. I need to find faith, goodness, something bigger then myself. My sister Lee believes in God, I wish I could find that kind of faith, I wish I could believe in something, someone bigger who is good and helping and loving. Is that God? Why do some families get shit on day after day? I want to ask God that.

Candy must have known because last family get together she gave me her gold ring with diamonds and dark blue sapphires and she said I want to give this to you while I'm alive and can see you wear it smiling. I can't lose her. She is my sister, my friend. She works with me and she is my biggest supporter at work. I just can't do this again, I can't lose someone I love again. I can't watch her die. I can't abandon her. I am just so fucking messed up with God and life right now. I want to crawl into a hole. I haven't stopped crying since Monday. How many tears can one person cry? What is this doing to my own health? How much stress before I just never get out of bed again.

After three days of begging my doctor to give me my no restrictions release to go back to work she finally gave in yesterday and wrote me one. she said it was against her better judgment but could see how emotional I was about needing going back to work. Candy won't be there. Work is going to be hell without her there. She is my biggest fan at work, she won't let anyone say anything bad about me.

I don't know when I will be back here. I just can't do it anymore.

Fuck Work

2008-04-08T09:59:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctors yesterday and got another fill. 100 cc on each side. So my chest just feels very tight and uncomfortable. Doesn't hurt...just very uncomfortable.

I got a my doctor’s release to go back to work with some restrictions. Restrictions were no precautions rooms, no double patient rooms. She stated I could work in the ED and single patient rooms.

Work called today and told me to stay home. Until I get a full release with no restrictions I cannot go back to work. My reconstruction surgery could take up to a full year.

I can’t look for another job without full disclosure of what my health issues are. And with said who the fuck will hire me under those conditions?

I talked to Terry Spencer today and I asked her this, if all this bullshit with human resources is true and they follow all the rules, then how come after our "big meeting" and Paula’s warning of where we are stationed we are to stay, no trading for any reason...why then on February 5th on the 11:00pm - 7:00am shift I was assigned the ED and Gloria was assigned South 2 was I made to trade with her? Gloria said she had health issues and could not physically take care of the patient in South 2. I said to Gloria "you are being paid the same wages as me to do the same job as me, if you can’t do the job you should go home." She replied "I have health issues!" So I asked Terry Spencer why is Gloria still working? How come she doesn't have a doctors release stating full release, how come she is still working? She did not have an answer for me but assured me she would send out an e-mail to all supervisors stating CA’s once they are assigned, cannot be made to trade for health reason’s.

Also why did I work 3 days last week before they decided this week to let me go?

You know what I say after 5 years of service to that hospital...

yeah right, the rules change hour by hour, shift by shift, supervisor by supervisor...I told Terry Spencer that every supervisor has their pet and the rules don't apply to them. I'm nobodies pet and I'm not a fucking brown noser so I'm up shit creek without a paddle and a hole in my canoe.

I called my Doctor and asked her to give me a full release...she probably won't and so here I sit...depressed and pissed waiting for a phone call back deciding my life.

Professional Singer

2008-04-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

Today at work I got to take care of a professional singer. She plays a baby grand piano when she sings.

She's going through heroine detox.

I asked her to please, please sing me a song. She asked me what do you want to hear? I know over 200 hundred songs. I being a child of the 60's asked her to sing Me & Bobby McGee. She belted that song out and all the RN's and workers on the floor filled that room up listening to her beautiful voice. I cried.

This lady I will call Jayne is 50 years old but looks 30. She has the most beautiful long red hair.

When the room cleared her and I had a talk. You gonna stay clean once you get out? You don't understand in the line of work I am in it's so hard to stay clean. And I am so sad. I've lost 53 people since the age of 22. I ask her who were these people? Some family, but mostly friends.

I have never done this to a patient because it is against hospital policy to tell patients, detox people anything about your life. But I just felt so different with Jayne. I asked her do you know how many people I've lost? No, how many? Just in my family alone, both parents, 3 brothers and my oldest sister and my oldest daughter...and just recently my breasts. I'm not in your line of work but if Creator had given me a gift to sing like you do I know I would not waste it. And we talked about all the things she could do to change her life and still let her be the singer she is. She asked me for my phone number and that also is a big no no.

I went against all the rules today. It just felt like the right thing to do. When I left her I hugged her, also a no no. I told her to be strong and to be healthy. This is a fresh start for her to take it and run with it.

God I hope she makes it, with all my heart I hope she makes it.

Now I am off to up state New York with my husband to visit some of his family.

Have a great week-end everyone and say a little prayer for Jayne ...every little bit helps, look what it did for me.

Work

2008-04-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

Yeah, work was good. I get there go to supervising nurse where do you want me? She said room 320. Room 320 has TB. I said no. She said what do you mean no? I said when I came in on Sunday and signed up for work I explained to not one, but two supervising nurses because of my surgery and my re-constructive surgery...she interrupts me. What do you mean you had cancer and had surgery? I laugh and say Katherine I've been out for 5 weeks. OMG, I didn't know. I am so sorry and hugs me. So I go through the whole thing about being in rooms with precautions, were you have to gown up and gloves and mask and glasses and that sort of thing. Because my immune system is compromised. Also can't be in rooms were the detox patient is going through the worst of it and by that I mean the hallucinations and fighting. Can't afford a blow to the chest area. Some of the guys we get are 300 pounds and 6' 6" tall, right now a patient like that would pummel me. So I got the ED Crisis. Emergency Dept.

Everyone loves getting the ED. The ED is the best place to work in crisis.

I also am celebrating my 5 year anniversary there. As a gift from the hospital I'm getting a ring with 5 blue topaz stones, one for every year. And they are having a dinner on May 5th to honor a bunch of us for different things. I hope my boobs are done by then so I can buy a nice blouse and jeans for the occasion. Bruce says aren't you going to wear a dress? Bruce we've been together 7 years when is the first time you've seen me in a dress? Well he says it be kind of nice don't you think? Nope. I don't think so. I hate pantie hose, I hate the way it feels on my legs. At my age everything is about comfort.

This is the longest job I have ever held. I made it 5 years. Yeah for me!

I've always been self employed. I owned and operated my own child care for over 10 years. It was called Beansville Child Care. Then I did specialized needs foster care for Native American kids for 8 years. Always been a care taker of others in some sort of way.

So today I have off and I'm feeling better then I have in a while. I just may finish this up and go out side for a walk. :)

My best to everyone, have a great and glorious day!

PS>>>Bruce has a myspace if you want to check it out. I know Billy will. Check out the music Bruce likes...sick bastard. anyway here is his link...

http://www.myspace.com/theorigionalfamilyguy

Work

2008-04-01T17:55:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is my first day back at work. I am a little apprehensive about it all. For those of you that don't know I work in a hospital mostly taking care of detox patients.

I saw my doctor on Monday to get a boob fill up but since I just got over the infection, rejection thing she refused to stick a needle in to filler up for at least one more week. So Monday I go back and if it looks good it will be a go.

She said I could go back to work three days a week. Part time until I'm doing better then normal.

That's it for me. I hope I can make it through the shift.

This is a water color I've been working on this week. Trying to work though the pain. I don't know if it will get finished all I can do is try.

I visited everyones blogs but the last three wouldn't let me leave a comment. So I will do it here. Sister Sage I have a pair of Doc Martins and I absolutely love them. I'm from Minnesota and we ware flannel shirts all winter. I like boys clothes. I shop in the mens department. Bruce loves me just the way that I am and I don't have boobs anymore so we will see what happens. I don't wear make up either. I'm me and I'm happy. I like you and I like your take on stuff. Hang in there. XOXOXOX

Terry your blog made me gain 10 pounds from the pictures, thanks. Glad you had a great time!

Tex you are one of a kind and I love you man!

I posted some of the music I like at the very bottom of the page. Mary Gauthier and Lucinda Williams seem to be my favorites for right now. Mary Gauthier sings some of the saddest beautiful songs you will ever here. I don't know why but sad songs about life soothe my soul.

And may I apologize for those of you who don't like music on a blog but I really don't give a rats ass (I really do) but I love music more. You can go to the bottom of page and shut it off or pick out a song. I give you some choices at least.

It wound up not working on the bottom so I moved it to the top. It will always be the top post and you my friends can control if you wish to listen or not. :)

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

2008-03-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

I feel good now like I knew that I would now, so good, so good...sing it with me

Picture taken this morning. Yeah baby I feel that good! Thanks to all of my friends and family who would not let me fall...I love you guys! Like the sexy underwear thingy?...it's been in my closet for 10 years, boobs were too big, now it fits...hehehehe

Goals

2008-03-26T10:54:00.000-07:00

I set some goals for myself today because if I didn't I would sink into such a depression nothing would save me.

First goal I didn't know was a goal but was a dream. I was sleeping a wonderful Oxy sleep, dreaming I was running off of the highest roof to kill myself. I got to the edge and my thought was hell yes jump. And I jumped. I landed in a heap at the bottom but didn't die just woke up and thought damn that myth wasn't true.

Goal 1) OK it's 11:00am and you're just waking up and what do you want to do? A shower was a good answer, so I got showered and dressed with shoes and everything.

Goal 2) Feed the piggies and clean out their cage and give them fresh water. I got that done.

Goal 3) Go for a walk outside. Go at least a 1/4 of a mile and back. I did it. It felt good.

Goal 4) NO MORE OXY for pain. NONE. Dumped the bottle out. I've seen what prolonged use of the drug can do and I was falling into the pits of it. I haven't had a oxy since 10:00pm last night. I was taking them every 4 hours.

Goal 5) Too make more goals for the day...maybe go back to work at the hospital for one day just to see how I do.

Goal 6) Try and visit some other blogs today. :)

Raging Rejection & Infection

2008-03-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah that's what's left of my left breast. See the really red spot. Well that explains why I've felt like killing myself the last few days. I was already swollen from surgery so it's hard to tell if your body is rejecting the expander and implant they put in.

By last night I wanted to die. I thought about the bottle of booze and the newly filled prescription of Oxy and Valium. Then I looked over at poor Mr. Bruce and thought nope I just can't leave him by himself. So I called my surgeon. I thought it's Easter week-end who the fuck is going to be around? She was. Not only was she there for me but had me come into her office at 9:00am this Easter morning instead of going through the ED. It brought me to tears that this doctor actually listened and felt my pain. My left side is infected and is rejecting the implant and expander. The right side is not, the right side is great. So the picture above...well picture it three times that size, bright red and hurting like a bitch.

The doc asked me about the tattoo. I told her the bear is my birth animal spirit. I got it on my daughter Ricki Joy's 21st birthday and it was a full moon. The four feathers stood for my four children. Ricki Joy died 2 days past her 28th birthday from cancer. Bruce said if she was alive she would be calling me every 5 minutes today and saying some pretty funny things. She had a wonderful sense of humor which I try to uphold.

Anyone whose been reading my blog for a while knows I hold nothing back. It all, the good , bad and ugly comes out here.

So now we know why I wanted to disappear and die...it is what nature does, hurt animals want to go off by themselves and die..

I'm on some really big doses of antibiotics for now and so I will stay in my recliner and rest. It hurts to move my left arm and I did this blog one hand typing just for you my friends.

See ya when I'm feeling better.

Creation of Raven by me

2008-03-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

I did the painting of above. I did two of them Creation 1 & 2.

I haven't painted since my surgery. My right arm can't deal with holding of the paint brush. I have tried. I think I am at the part of my recovery where all I feel is pain and pissed off. I'll get through it I always do. Usually I just disappear without a word but JackieSue doesn't desreve to be treated that way plus she get's so mad at me I'm afarid she would come up here and beat the crap out of me.

I have slept most of the day today. I just woke up and didn't have nothing to blog about so this is it.

Bruce leaves every day for work and tells me the same thing..."paint something today."

And I think the same thing every time he says it. I will spare you my thoughts of shoving a painting up his ass.

So this is it for a while. I don't know how long.

Thanks for putting up with me.

Nancy

Chief Tamaha, painting by me

2008-03-18T04:59:00.000-07:00

Tamaha

A chief of the Mdewakanton Sioux who met and aided Lt. Zebulon Pike during the American explorer's expeditions in 1806 and 1807. Their ensuing strong friendship prompted Tamaha to remain loyal to the United States during the War of 1812 despite the fact that most of the Sioux supported the British. Tamaha not only refused to join the other Sioux in the war against the United States, but served General Clarke as a scout and messenger. On one of his trips, he was imprisoned by a fur trader in the employ of the British and, though threatened with execution, steadfastly refused to divulge any information to the enemy. After the war, in 1816, he visited St. Louis to participate in a council of the 46 chiefs from the upper Missouri. General Clarke took that occasion to present Tamaha a medal of honor for his faithful service to the United States. Tamaha lived to the age of 85, venerated by red man and white man alike. He died in April 1860 at Wabasha, Minn.

This is my great grand-father. He and his wife Wynona had a daughter. Her name was Apan Elku meaning Little Elk. When Chief Tamaha signed the treaty of 1812 (pictured above he is the man in the first row sitting down in the middle, this is at the signing of the treaty of 1812) he agreed to change his tribes names to English. Her name was changed to Ellen Turpin. She was my grand-mother. She also was a great Medicine Woman. She delivered many white settlers babies.

I just got my letter of acceptance into this tribe...

The first paragraph goes like this...

"Welcome to our Community! The Mendota Mdewakanton Dakota Community's Membership Committee has completed review of your membership application and found that you qualify for descendants membership under the terms of our Constitution and Bylaws."

Then in the next breath they are asking me for $15.00 a month to 'belong' to their community. If I don't pay it, then I don't belong, they throw me out.

I wrote back saying that they already found that I qualify because of descendancy, meaning blood. Blood is blood and $15.00 bucks a month wasn't going to change that fact so to go a head and throw me out.

Because of my work with special needs Native American children I had to count my blood drops of descendancy . It turned out to be 53 % Native Blood. All documented and approved except for that $15.00 dollar thing.

I ain't gonna pay it.

I'm bitchy that way. It's in my Sioux blood.

JackieSue Bruce went out and bought the cylinder I needed to mail you Willie. So Friday I will be mailing him to you. Finally! And you need to change my name from Lakota to Dakota Princess, thank you very much :))))

Philosophy

2008-03-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot of time to sit and think. Some days to sit and cry. But most days I was amazed at how many people genuinely cared about me.

People that weren't related to me by marriage or otherwise. Just people I work with or know by blogging. Awww Rocky I miss you when you get quiet and sortta disappear. I love you. Then there is that great force of nature JackieSue. Honestly the best friend anyone could have. I love you. It's amazing how much love the human heart can hold! Now I have all these new people JackieSue introduced me to and my circle just gets bigger and better.

How does that happen? How do we end up caring about others who don't belong to us or our tribe. Was it a smile or kind word? Was it a thing, a thing that reminded us of someone we love?

Cheryl, what can I say about her? Cheryl has become one of my best friends. I think its because she reminds me of myself. Shes a rebel and loves pigs. She also comes with a great mother whom I love. I am an orphan and I know Barbara would adopt me as her own. And it so nice to have a mother figure to talk to.

Toni reminds me of my Amy. Very reasonable, level headed and hard working. Very compassionate, she sees someone who needs a hug or smile or a head washing and she does it with a smile and love in her heart. She does it without expecting anything back. Her friendship is unconditional. I love her. She introduced Joe to me whose mom is Barb. Joe reminds me of my son Travis so much. And Barb is such a caring good person. Thanks you Toni for bringing them into my life.

Sarah reminds me of my youngest. Self absorbed at times but that is part of her charm. She listens. She listens deeply and she hears with her ears and heart. She calls or text me every day to see how I am. Sometimes it's at 2:00 am but it stills makes me smile. She brought me tulips the other day and they are beautiful and blooming. It's kind of cool because they will come back year after year. I love her.

Then theres the others; Toni, and Laura, Melissa, Mary, Linda, Betty, Bill, Nancy, MaryAnn, Carolyn, Candice and so many others.

My JMH family.

And I want to thank my step son Ryan for texting me almost daily to see how I am. It touches my heart Ryan like you don't even know. Thank you. I love you.

I love you all and I thank you for thinking of me.

I got off track with my philosophy on why people have to suffer in life. And my pain pill is wearing off and I need to go take another one. If I remember I will get back to my philosophy on pain and suffering. I am now on Oxycodone, another lovely drug. I went to the doctors today and she filled me up with another 100 ccs in each new boob. And God have mercy she took those awful fucking drains out! Its weird for me to have boobs high and firm, and they are only half full. I love my new boobs. I don't think my philosophy had anything to do with new boobs but at the age of 54 and getting the boobs of a 16 year old, well I just want to jump up and down and scream nanananaabooboo. :)

The Doctors

2008-03-11T22:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first post op visit. The doc put in 50cc of saline water into each boob. Bruce was so excited it was pretty funny. The doc said the drains had to stay in one more week.

So we get home and Bruce says can I touch? Touch what I ask? He says the swell of your breast at the top. Hu? I have a swell at the top of what used t be my breast? Ya and it's kind of sexy.

Sure go for it. The man had a smile that lasted for an hour.

So next Monday we go in again and get another 50 cc of saline water. I asked the doc how many too go before we put in the real implant? She says 350 cc.,after next week she said it will feel uncomfortable, tight and start to stretch. Then we will come in every two weeks for a fill of 50 ccs until we hit the 350 mark. After that I will have to decide saline implants or silicone. My sister Lee has saline and when you hug her they are as hard as rocks. They look fantastic but are hard.

The doc gave me lots of stuff to read about silicone and it's now what they call 3rd generation silicone. Safer if it leaks. But from what I read leaks average about the same as silicone vs saline water. Silicone feels so much more realistic. So I am tending to go with a good size C cup and silicone.

I trust my doc and she knows the hell I'm going though right now and wouldn't steer my wrong.

I'm still swollen and bruised and I hurt to move. I take my pain med and I wait 20 minutes for it to start working so I can get up and feel productive. I then fall asleep and I wake up and the cycle starts over. So this part of the recovery sucks.

I have an appointment with my breast surgeon Doc Holly on Thursday. We will discuss the one lymph node that came back with cancer. I'm looking forward to that chat .

I've lost my appetite. It's upsetting to Bruce. You need to eat to get better. He made the best dinner and all I could get down was a chicken wing, one piece of broccoli and a half of ear of corn. I'm just hitting the down side of this and don't feel like doing much of anything but sleep.

So why am I up at 1:47AM WRITING THIS? wtfdik?

Yeah It's Me ...

2008-03-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

OK I got all the links to work. Not bad for a chick who is on morphine, Valium and Tramadol just for good measure.

The Doc added the Tramadol because of what happened to me the other night. You see although morphine is a wonderful pain killer it can cause some pretty good or bad dreams. I have drains coming out of my sides. Both sides. So I can't sleep on my sides. I can't sleep in a bed so I sleep in a recliner. Well the other night I was having a morphine night mare. It was night terror so strong I could not move or speak from fright. All I can tell ya was I wanted out of that fucking chair now!

Too make a long story short I got out of that chair, sortta pulled a drain too hard and woke up Mr. Bruce scaring the shit out of him. You are dreaming Nancy! Get me the fuck out of here...

Well I finally woke up and I had hurt or twisted my back somehow in my rampage to get out of that chair and so Tramadol was added to my pain cocktail. The drain was fixed and restitched and now Bruce is sleeping on the couch right next to me so I don't freak out in my sleep and pull anything else.

My back hurt so much yesterday that he came home from work early to help me to wash up or sneak a shower. He taped the drains with water proof tape and I stood in the shower and I let the water gods wash all the crap and negativity off of me and I felt like a new person.

I go to see Dr. Johnson tomorrow at 10:30 am. She's the plastic surgeon who is giving me the nice firm c cup I want, up high and round. Soon as they are done you will see a picture I promise!This picture is not the most flattering picture of me but it's real and was taken this morning. I did it for JackiSue mostly. I need the pillow to hug for pain. and after this is over I am going to kill the chair.

OK thats it for now. Kisses & hugs to every body!

Morphine Dreams

2008-03-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

So yeah, I'm up and sitting at the computer.

I'm on a hefty dose of morphine every four hours plus Valium to take the edge off. I never knew I had edges I always thought I was round.

It took me the better part of my consciousness to add a few new friends. I felt like I was zipping along but no I wasn't and it is now noon and the visiting nurse is on her way to look at my scares and drains and various holes that have stuff coming out of them. My left boob removal left a scare 21 inches, how the fuck cool is that?

It might be the morphine but I would love to play the scare game with someone. Oh yeah, well look at this one...

Hey my phone rang and it was my Doctor. The lymph node biopsies came in. The left side is clean. Wooooowho! The right side showed a very small carcinoma in one of the nodes. They removed it. So today I'm sitting up at my PC adding some new friends and life is fucking great as far as my feelings go. I love you man, all of you. I may have to do a little chemo. I needed a haircut anyway. :)

Peace out and have a great fucking day in the best way! Hugggsss!

All the new links I added don't work and I'm too tired to try and fix them right now. I will fix them though sonner or later. At least I tried...

This Freaks Me Out A Little

2008-03-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

Tribal Council Approves WalMart

The Eastern Band of Cherokees has completed negotiations to bring a WalMart Super Center store to Cherokee.The site is above downtown on the hillside by the Cherokee Indian Hospital. The store is expected to boots tribal levy collections by over $1 million. Negotiations to bring the store onto the reservation began after talks with surrounding counties to locate the store near Cherokee failed to reach a satisfactory conclusion. Site preparation has already begun.

Breast Cancer & Friends

2008-03-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

I am here to tell you that I could have not gotten as far with this cancer fight as I have without my Hero's and Guardian Angels.

My sister Lee is both. She led the way for me through this terrible ordeal. The ugliness of having your chest destroyed and mangled. The pain. You can't imagine the pain. Burning stabbing pain. And through all of that the only thing that mattered was the love I felt for her alliance to me, her faith in me to survive this. It's funny after it's over the thoughts you share. She didn't think I was strong enough to endure this because of all the grieving I did over Ricki. Ricki was my strength. Ricki showed me how to fight. Ricki did not die in vain, she died showing her mother the way, the way to life.

My husband Bruce is my strongest hero. He bathed me and I was embarrassed for him to see my chest. I was humiliated by the ugliness there. The scars, wounds, black and blue, the caved in chest that was once full. The bloody drains. How could he love me now? And I watched his face as I removed the bandages and I scrutinized what was on his face, his emotions. He showed no signs of disgust or repulsiveness. All I saw was love in his beautiful face. He washed me and when he was done he hugged me to him and he said he was glad that I was still here with him because if I died he mine as well as died to.

Then there is Toni. She is an Angel. She is no relation to me. She is a young person who has so much compassion and love and giving in her heart. She was here with me right after surgery applying lip moisturizer to my lips because it hurt to move my arms right after surgery. She sat by my side and comforted me. She came to my house on Friday and she washed my hair and she stayed with me until the visiting nurse came. When the visiting nurse asked to see my wounds and I un-bandage them, Toni was not repulsed by what she saw. She was very supportive. She is close to my heart. She is a very special Angel to me.

I had so many people sending good thoughts and prayers my way I felt truly inspired to get through this well and healthy. I thank you all so much and I am on my way to a full recovery. I am humbled to all of you and your good and happy thoughts. Jackie Sue you are the best. The cream of the crop as mom would say. Thank you, thank you. To all of you whom I have never met and stopped by to wish me well...Thank you. The positive energy is with me giving me strength. Thank you.

I am truly blessed by everyone of you. Thank you.

IT'S ME...JACKIE

2008-02-28T10:08:00.000-08:00

At 5 this morning I got a phone call from the Lakota Princess..yes, that's correct...5fuckingam...sigh*...but who cares..she's fine and she's doing very very well..Her chest muscles hurt and it's very painful for her to move her arms..but the best news is ..there is no cancer in her chest muscles and she won't have to have chemo or radiation...I am going to call her Saturday and she how she's doing..will file a report for you here..Soon she will be back with a full head of hair and a bra full of brand new boobs....dang, wonder if they will let me donate some of the fat from my boobs to her..? I have plenty to spare..

I Love My Husband & Friends...

2008-02-26T17:50:00.000-08:00

What a difference a couple of hours can make. After I wrote my last blog my sister Lee called me and we had a nice long talk, cry. Then Bruce came home with the mail, I had two really cute cards from my Buddha buddy that lifted my spirits and made me smile. Bruce made me a wonderful dinner. And because I am marked with marker for surgery I can't take a shower so Bruce washed my hair. I have long thick curly hair and it's not easy to wash, but this man with his big mechanic hands washed my hair so lovingly I could not feel anything but calm and loved.

I just want to say I am so blessed by all of you. Though I've never met any of you...you all have touched my life and my heart. I love you. I can't express in mere words what your supportive words have done for me. Lifting me to a better place.

I thank I thank you.

Nuclear Medicine Sucks The Big One

2008-02-26T14:48:00.000-08:00

So I show up today at nuclear medicine. Hey weren't you here a week or so ago? Yeah I was, but they cancelled my surgery and I have to do this again. the tech says maybe not...a glimmer of hope...did you wash the marker off under your right arm? Yeah it's been almost two weeks.

She goes and talks to the Dr. She comes back yeah we have to do it again. If you hadn't washed away the markings we would've had to only do a booster. So why the fuck didn't someone tell me that? I'm the patient not the doctor. I didn't know.

So I lie down on the table exposed and feeling very emotional. One holds my left hand while the other swabs my right breast with that brown crap. There are five needles lying on the table with pretty blue nuclear medicine in them. She puts the first one in and it burns like wild fire. The other one ask me something and I reply...you ever read the comics strip Funky Winkerbean? Yeah. Well he did one about one of his characters having breast cancer Lisa Moore.

She was at her doctors office and the doctor starts with I am sorry there has been a mistake in your labs they got mixed up and ...
Lisa is very compliant and says that's OK where do we go from here? But she really was thinking what the fuck, you guys are the experts...

I said yeah I'm feeling a little bit like that.

Then the third shot goes in , the forth, the fifth. My right breast is on fire and I want to cry in the worst way, the very worst sobbing way and I don't. I refuse. My stubborn Dakota streak kicks in and all I want to fucking do is beat the crap out of someone.

So as I am getting dressed the tech says to me do you want to come back tonight or early tomorrow for two more nuclear shots? Hu? I thought we were done. No you have to have two more. I am thinking... I want to go home. I want to go home and have my life back that is what I want to do. My life before death, before, before all of this cancer hit my daughter and me...but I say I'll come in early tomorrow, at 7:00 am an hour before my surgery to get the boosters.

I get out to my car and it starts to snow. I call Bruce and I cry and cry on the phone. I tell him they should've done this surgery two weeks ago because I was in better condition emotionally then I am now. He agrees with me. The anxiety is causing me to have a meltdown along with my worries about my daughter Amy.

She's being stalked by a mad man. It's been in the Duluth News Tribune all week. Shawn Frederick. Asshole.

This was the latest article on him. The last paragraph...it was my daughter Amy's apartment he was trying to break into. He's left her threatening messages on her answering machine. I sent letters off today to the county and to the reporter of the article. Amy's side needs to be heard so this Shawn person won't get out. He stalked a local news woman so badly that she had to quit her job and leave town. So I am dealing with a lot. And forgive me if I sound whinny.

County wants to commit man in lecture-hall incident

Mark Stodghill

Duluth News Tribune - 02/23/2008

St. Louis County Public Health and Human Services is seeking to commit the 36-year-old Duluth man whose behavior in a University of Minnesota Duluth lecture hall Wednesday led students to call police.
The county alleges that Shawn Patrick Frederick is mentally ill and that serious imminent physical harm will occur to him or others unless he is in a treatment facility. A hearing on the petition is scheduled for Monday before St. Louis County Judicial Officer Gerald Maher.
Frederick is being held at Miller-Dwan Medical Center.
Frederick entered the UMD lecture hall at 9:15 a.m. Wednesday and made some students nervous by moving from seat to seat and eventually sitting in an aisle, staring down the assistant professor teaching the class. When police took him into custody, Frederick was found to be in possession of a wooden stick and a leather whip. He was charged with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor offense.
According to court records, Frederick had been formally released on Jan. 31 from an 18-month mental health commitment. Because of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996, information regarding Frederick's mental health commitment is protected and unavailable to the public. It's unclear how much time he actually spent in a mental health facility.
Frederick was charged in 2006 with four counts of
second-degree assault with a dangerous weapon but was acquitted because of mental incompetency.
In that case, he was accused of sticking a 9 mm Ruger handgun against a man's forehead and of pointing it at two other men in the Kozy Bar in downtown Duluth. He also was accused of pointing the gun at another man outside the bar. The weapon was not loaded.
A psychologist examined Frederick and determined that the defendant did not know the nature of his acts and was mentally ill at the time of the offense. Frederick, through his attorney, admitted his mental illness, waived a six-month review and agreed to an 18-month commitment to a treatment facility.
On Feb. 9, Frederick was charged with being in possession of a small amount of marijuana. According to the police report in that case, a Duluth woman said that Frederick was at her door and trying to get in. When police responded, Frederick told them that Buddhists were out to get him. During a pat search, an officer found a small jar containing marijuana in Frederick's jacket pocket.

This is his mug shot...shoot to kill I say.

Buddha Love

2008-02-25T11:35:00.000-08:00

This is an antique fan Bruce bought me a few years back. He also found the Buddha statue below that matches it.

These are some of my favorite Buddhas. I started collecting them a few years back. Bruce bought me the electric one on Saturday. It was a must have it now sorrta thing.

So tomorrow I go for the nuclear shots and lymph node detection. Then Wed. the big day finally.

Today I dusted all of my Buddhas and I talked to them. I love them. They are all fat and happy. Just look at their smiles. And they have boobs. I love them.

God bless Buddha. Amen.

So Yeah I Got A Date

2008-02-19T13:57:00.000-08:00

Not the kind I would like, romantic with Bruce. But a surgery date. Feb. 27th at 8:30 am.

I'm doing the nuclear medicine 5 shots to the right boob the night before. They will mark the lymp nodes with magic marker and I will go home try to sleep and be back at 8:30 am for surgery.

I just need to get through the next week stress free and illness free.

I need to take a nap right now.

Postponed...

2008-02-14T04:47:00.000-08:00

It's the worst day of the year weather wise but Bruce & I trudge through it to get to the hospital for my surgery. We are in the waiting room and Toni & Sarah show up. Those two girls are in my top three now. They deserve to be there. They kept me laughing and calm. Toni brought me lots of chocolate from her & Joe. Chocolate kisses and peanut M & M's...

We wait and wait. Finally they call my name. I go in get undressed put on the Johhny. The RN gives me a 10 mg Oxy. They whisk me off to nuclear medicine where I have five injections of dye shot into my right breast and they take the xrays they need of the lymph nodes for surgery. They take me back to my cubicle where Bruce & Toni & Sarah keep me company.

The man who puts me to sleep comes in and is in a pissy mood and he whines to the RN he has no room to do his thing and he leaves and his assistant comes in and does his job. I prefer her. She is nicer. I ask her what's wrong with him? The plastic surgeon comes in and writes and draws lines in black permanent sharpie marker all over my chest from my neck down. RN starts an IV. They give me fluids through the IV along with antibiotics.

Then they (the surgical team) decide because I had...had the flu a few days earlier that they would not do the surgery today.

Fuckity fuck fuck.

The only good thing about the whole day was Toni & Sarah. They had to pretend they were my daughters because it was immediate family only. Sarah kept calling me Nancy and so we said she was Bruce's daughter, my step daughter and Toni was my biological daughter from my first marriage and Joe was my son in law. Bruce was Dad and somethings got to be pretty funny. Like when I asked Toni how she broke her nose and she replied your my mother you should know...

Those two girls just don't know how much they mean to me. I love them very much. I want to thank them both for showing up on the worst weather day to be with this old lady. Thank you my adopted daughters.

Thank you Mr. Bruce you are the best!

I got a call from my plastic surgeon we are looking at Feb. 27th to reschedule surgery. And yes I will have to do the nuclear medicine all over again...

Yeah It's Me

2008-02-12T01:50:00.000-08:00

I've been sick, very sick. I got a flu shot but apparently it wasn't the right one for this flu, it was for that other flu that "they" were expecting.

It started last Thursday. I had the chills so bad I wanted to die. By 1:00 am that night I was running 101.3 fever by 3:00 am I was shitting my pants and vomiting. By Friday morning I wanted to die.

"They" say that if you get the flu shot and get the flu it won't be as severe. It won't last as long...I am here to tell you that "they" are dead wrong. It is now the day before my surgery and I am still sick with the flu. Not as bad. The fever has stopped and the runs and vomiting have subsided but the weak queasy feeling is still running strong.

I called my surgeon to let her know about how I was feeling and she said as long as I am not running a fever we are going ahead with surgery Wed. HU? Oh yeah we are still going to do surgery. But I don't feel well. We have waited too long all ready and we are not postponing it. But I feel very queasy and nauseated. That's OK we will give you something for that once you get here. Uh Ok.

Bruce my care giver came home from work early yesterday and lived with his head in the toilet the rest of the day. Seems he came down with this flu. He's supposed to take care of me when I come home, now he is sick. Life is just sortta sucking right now for me.

I had to get my ass up and out of bed to go buy sports bra's for after surgery. "They" want you to bring one to the hospital for afterwards so it will hold you tight So there I am in Walmart, queasy, weak and tired looking for sports bras that open in the front...and because it's Valentines day Thursday all the red and black satin bras and crap are out and I start to cry right there in the underwear section of Walmart because, well just because I 'm sick and I'm tired and I'm emotional. The sales clerk comes up to me, are you all right? No I'm not all right, you see I'm having both of my breasts cut off on Wed. and I need a sports bra for afterwards to help curb the pain so what size do you think I need after these BABIES ARE CUT OFF? What size do you think I should get and snot is coming out of my nose and tears are falling down my face. We have to make room for the swelling and bloody drains so yeah can you help me???

And now it's 4:22 am and I just woke up from a vivid dream I had of Ricki Joy. I haven't dreamed of her in a few years. So I think her spirit came to me in my dream and it was so real. We were outside where I grew up. I grew up way out in the sticks. She was with a few girls her age and they were going swimming and I couldn't get her attention. I was screaming Ricki you can't go swimming because of the catheter sewn to your main artery, and she dove in anyway. When she came out of the water her and her friends were laughing and it was a sunny hot day out. They started to play tag you're it and were running away from me and I was becoming very frustrated in my dream because she wouldn't listen to me and then Amy my other daughter was there holding my arm walking with me, asking me what I was doing? I explained to her about Ricki. She said isn't it wonderful that she's showed you...you don't have to worry about her anymore. That she's in a place where she has friends and she's running and swimming and doing all the things she loves, that she's happy.

And I woke up crying.

So that is how I am on this eve before surgery. That is how I am.

The Raven

2008-02-05T15:21:00.000-08:00
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door —
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; — vainly I had tried to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow — sorrow for the lost Lenore —
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me — filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
"'Tis some visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door —
Some late visiter entreating entrance at my chamber door; —
This it is, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you " — here I opened wide the door; —
Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore!"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" —
Merely this, and nothing more.

Then into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon I heard again a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore —
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
'Tis the wind and nothing more!"

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not an instant stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door —
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door —
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the Nightly shore —
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning — little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no sublunary being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door —
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered — not a feather then he fluttered —
Till I scarcely more than muttered "Other friends have flown before —
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

Wondering at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster so when Hope he would adjure —
Stern Despair returned, instead of the sweet Hope he dared adjure —
That sad answer, "Never — nevermore."

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore —
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Angels whose faint foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee — by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite — respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore;
Let me quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil! — prophet still, if bird or devil! —
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted —
On this home by Horror haunted — tell me truly, I implore —
Is there — is there balm in Gilead? — tell me — tell me, I implore!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil — prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us — by that God we both adore —
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore —
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting —
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! — quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the raven "Nevermore."

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted — nevermore!

Winter

2008-01-23T07:05:00.000-08:00
I ain't got crap to say about nothing.

My Nun teachers from Catholic School would love my English writing skills. Sometimes I think I do it on purpose even though I'm 54 years old, that inner child that was beaten with a wooden ruler comes out and says things like ain't and fuck and such.

I am hating winter. It is dark when I get up and it's dark by 4:30 pm. It's too fucking cold out to go out. I hate winter. I hate winter in New England.

Although snuggling up to Mr Bruce is very nice. He's a fecking furnace. His body heat is the hottest I've ever encountered. It's great when I am freezing but when I am having a hot flash look out...

The picture above is my sister's cabin in the summer. I love it there. I hope to spend some time there this summer. It's a great place to relax! And the fishing is great!

Taken From My Journal

2008-01-14T05:20:00.000-08:00
How does one get right with God? Do you confess all your sins and ask to be forgiven? I just don't know how to get right with God when I have some intense anger towards him. I get angry with my children but my love for them always win out. I have no love for God, so my anger is unresolved. Was my whole childhood a lie. The Catholic church taught me to have a personal relationship with God. My parents taught me the same. Now as an adult all I feel is turmoil with God.
My husband is the best!
I'm tired and I'm just beginning this fight. This battle that GOD has given me, what? You say it's not from GOD but from Satan who has control of all illnesses. Why does Satan have control of my life? I am a good person, so this makes no sense to me, this answer. I am so lost in all of this Christian theory.

I am thankful to Creator for my life.

If It Aint One Thing It's Another!

2008-01-12T23:37:00.001-08:00
Because I couldn't get a surgery date for a few weeks I had to take the third shift at work, the 11pm-7am shift. This wears me out. I ended up back at the doctors on Thursday and now have a diagnose of pleurisy.

I knew what it was right away so I put off talking to the Dr. I went to work did 2 shifts 11 to 7 am and Thursday I couldn't take the pain anymore and broke down and went to the Dr. He gave me some very strong pain pills. Pleurisy is viral and what it is... is the lining of your lung fills up with fluid and the added fluid pressure hurts every time you take a breath.

Ok, I've been up long enough, lungs feel like they are on fire, stabbing pain, took pain pill, feeling dreamy need to go back to bed. Night night.